I do not like feeling like a whiner. Here is the truth: the last few weeks have not been the best for me. I'm stressed, tired, and I am constantly on the verge of a panic attack/melt down. Yes, I know what is causing it. No, there is nothing I can do (at the moment) to fix it. It is completely possible I may go crazy before the situation resolves. I have it pretty easy compared to most. However, there are times, when I just want to give up. Life is hard. I envy my friends with little responsibility and with choices. I have very few choices. At this point, my life is pretty much set out for me. I'm a parent, I'm married, and I will probably never do any of the things I wanted to do when I was younger. Soon I will be 25. Sure, to some of you this may seem young, but to me it feels ancient. I told a friend of mine that you had to add 5 years to your age for each kid, so really I was turning 35 and therefore justified in my irritation with the thought of my next birthday. It's not that I'm not happy, it's just that well, I pictured myself in a different place when I turned 25. I suppose that is what has me so bothered. This just isn't the life I thought I would be living right now.
(P.S. Comment at your own risk. I am not in a good mood these days and I may bite.)
Showing posts with label how a passive agressive girl screams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label how a passive agressive girl screams. Show all posts
3.16.2010
because sleep eludes me...
I'm going to go off on a nonsensical rant now. If you think you have some deep insight into what I am talking about, you are probably wrong. However, it makes me giggle when people try, so knock yourselves out!
I drive a lot at night. Sometimes I am stupid and drive too late at night because my phone turns off and I don't hear my alarm or because I am just enjoying things too much to head home. The roads in Idaho are empty at night. Some people may find that offensive, I find it reassuring. There is still at least one place in the world where people sleep; life is like it was long ago. It isn't like living in a big cit. For instance, there was always traffic in L.A. Maybe it wasn't bad, bumper-to-bumper, maddening, stop-and-go traffic, but it was traffic nonetheless. I like that my city still slumbers. I like that I live in a state where the past still thrives. Mere hours from my house there are people living on ranches, there are hermits surviving in the wilderness, and there are people who would still rather catch their dinner from the river than buy it from a fast food joint. It's different here. We have our own way of life. It is solid and good and I would not want it any other way.
Lately I've grown weary. I've noticed that the more anger I sense around me, the heavier my soul gets. It is still beyond my comprehension how people can be so hurtful to each other. It is even more beyond my comprehension how they can call each other on it without noticing that they are doing the exact same things back and forth. I don't understand hate. I've had bad things happen around me. It isn't that I live in a perfect bubble. Trust me, I wish I did. I feel pain, anger, frustration, but I don't feel the need to take it out on people around me. I know my secret hurts. I know the pain that I feel that nobody else could even imagine existing. I also know that the person that is making me angry has their own secret weight-of-the-world type pain. I try so hard to be kind and to not be hateful. It is an uphill battle, but I do try my hardest. I don't understand not trying.
Perspective is a bitch, hardcore. There is so much pain that is greater than the hurts I feel. My life is significantly more fair than that of a lot of people. Most of the stress and irritation I feel, I brought on myself. However, I still feel the need to vent it occasionally. The problem is that when perspective comes swinging at me with an iron fist, I have to pause and stop myself. It could be worse. It could always be worse. This nagging annoyance is nothing compared to the gigantic weight of grief felt by those around me.
For the last time, I am not fourteen. It has been nearly 11 years since I was. In fact, I don't even remember anything specific about being that young. That's how long ago it was. I realize that I look younger than my (almost) 25 years. I truly do not have a problem with people assuming I am in college or that I just graduated from highschool. I find nothing offensive about that at all. However, when someone looks at me and thinks "She can't even drive!" I want do punch them. I've decided that I am going to wear a whorish amount of makeup from now on. I am going to wear 7 inch heals so that I am at a more "adult" height. I am also going to go have larger breasts surgically implanted. Why you may ask? Because these are the top three reasons I hear for people thinking I am young enough to have been born in the mid 90s. "Oh! But you are just so tiny!" "I just assumed you were younger since you aren't wearing make up." "Wow, I had bigger boobs than you when I was 12!" Dear world so bombarded with media images of what is average that you can't even see my forming crows feet or the fact that my face is more mature than that of a barely pubescent child, you can bite me. I have friends with 14 year old daughters. I've seen them up close... yeah, I don't look even close to that young.
Oh, and while I'm already annoyed: writing is a job for me. It may not make me any money yet, but it is my job. Call it a hobby, and I'll probably cry. I would threaten loss of friendship, but we all know I'm not capable of carrying through on such things.
Kids are a test of patience. Patience has never been my strong suit. Every day I feel like I'm running a gauntlet. I think I need to buy a new pair of noise canceling earphones, put Eddy Izzard on loop on my iPod, and just tune out the incessant whining that I can't seem to stop my kids from doing. I love them dearly, however, I wish they had more grown up manners.
If it is sunny tomorrow, I am going to do a jig on my patio.
I bought a green tank top for St. Paddy's day, but then I realized I am probably just working in the nursery and nobody will see it because I'll wear a sweatshirt over it so that it won't matter if a kid pulls on my shirt. Oh well, at least I'll know I'm wearing a super cute and festive something under my bulky sweatshirt! :)
(fingers crossed) I am going to check out a knitting group tomorrow for a half an hour or so. I'm so scared of strangers. Well, really, I'm scared of not strangers too. In fact, we'll go ahead and say that I'm really scared of most people. Maybe meeting an entire group of knitting ladies that I know online in person isn't really THAT much of a stretch after all.
The End
(P.S. I don't even want to know how many errors are in this post. Typing at 3 a.m. is not really that great for flawless writing...)
I drive a lot at night. Sometimes I am stupid and drive too late at night because my phone turns off and I don't hear my alarm or because I am just enjoying things too much to head home. The roads in Idaho are empty at night. Some people may find that offensive, I find it reassuring. There is still at least one place in the world where people sleep; life is like it was long ago. It isn't like living in a big cit. For instance, there was always traffic in L.A. Maybe it wasn't bad, bumper-to-bumper, maddening, stop-and-go traffic, but it was traffic nonetheless. I like that my city still slumbers. I like that I live in a state where the past still thrives. Mere hours from my house there are people living on ranches, there are hermits surviving in the wilderness, and there are people who would still rather catch their dinner from the river than buy it from a fast food joint. It's different here. We have our own way of life. It is solid and good and I would not want it any other way.
Lately I've grown weary. I've noticed that the more anger I sense around me, the heavier my soul gets. It is still beyond my comprehension how people can be so hurtful to each other. It is even more beyond my comprehension how they can call each other on it without noticing that they are doing the exact same things back and forth. I don't understand hate. I've had bad things happen around me. It isn't that I live in a perfect bubble. Trust me, I wish I did. I feel pain, anger, frustration, but I don't feel the need to take it out on people around me. I know my secret hurts. I know the pain that I feel that nobody else could even imagine existing. I also know that the person that is making me angry has their own secret weight-of-the-world type pain. I try so hard to be kind and to not be hateful. It is an uphill battle, but I do try my hardest. I don't understand not trying.
Perspective is a bitch, hardcore. There is so much pain that is greater than the hurts I feel. My life is significantly more fair than that of a lot of people. Most of the stress and irritation I feel, I brought on myself. However, I still feel the need to vent it occasionally. The problem is that when perspective comes swinging at me with an iron fist, I have to pause and stop myself. It could be worse. It could always be worse. This nagging annoyance is nothing compared to the gigantic weight of grief felt by those around me.
For the last time, I am not fourteen. It has been nearly 11 years since I was. In fact, I don't even remember anything specific about being that young. That's how long ago it was. I realize that I look younger than my (almost) 25 years. I truly do not have a problem with people assuming I am in college or that I just graduated from highschool. I find nothing offensive about that at all. However, when someone looks at me and thinks "She can't even drive!" I want do punch them. I've decided that I am going to wear a whorish amount of makeup from now on. I am going to wear 7 inch heals so that I am at a more "adult" height. I am also going to go have larger breasts surgically implanted. Why you may ask? Because these are the top three reasons I hear for people thinking I am young enough to have been born in the mid 90s. "Oh! But you are just so tiny!" "I just assumed you were younger since you aren't wearing make up." "Wow, I had bigger boobs than you when I was 12!" Dear world so bombarded with media images of what is average that you can't even see my forming crows feet or the fact that my face is more mature than that of a barely pubescent child, you can bite me. I have friends with 14 year old daughters. I've seen them up close... yeah, I don't look even close to that young.
Oh, and while I'm already annoyed: writing is a job for me. It may not make me any money yet, but it is my job. Call it a hobby, and I'll probably cry. I would threaten loss of friendship, but we all know I'm not capable of carrying through on such things.
Kids are a test of patience. Patience has never been my strong suit. Every day I feel like I'm running a gauntlet. I think I need to buy a new pair of noise canceling earphones, put Eddy Izzard on loop on my iPod, and just tune out the incessant whining that I can't seem to stop my kids from doing. I love them dearly, however, I wish they had more grown up manners.
If it is sunny tomorrow, I am going to do a jig on my patio.
I bought a green tank top for St. Paddy's day, but then I realized I am probably just working in the nursery and nobody will see it because I'll wear a sweatshirt over it so that it won't matter if a kid pulls on my shirt. Oh well, at least I'll know I'm wearing a super cute and festive something under my bulky sweatshirt! :)
(fingers crossed) I am going to check out a knitting group tomorrow for a half an hour or so. I'm so scared of strangers. Well, really, I'm scared of not strangers too. In fact, we'll go ahead and say that I'm really scared of most people. Maybe meeting an entire group of knitting ladies that I know online in person isn't really THAT much of a stretch after all.
The End
(P.S. I don't even want to know how many errors are in this post. Typing at 3 a.m. is not really that great for flawless writing...)
2.24.2010
guh... (that's ugh all mixed up)
Oh how it has been a week for ugh.
Yesterday I got a call from a government collections agency. Apparently, Wells Fargo decided to say I had defaulted on one of my loans. I was confused. I had been working with them on deferment, but when a fax apparently didn't go through, they decided to just default instead of contacting me first. Granted, I probably should have called them to make sure they got the fax, but it was still a little shocking. After a few hours of crying on the phone to a complete stranger named Michelle (the lady assigned to my account at the agency), I calmed down a bit. She was really the nicest person I have talked to about loans since graduating. She gave me options and it turns out that one of those options is even better than never having defaulted. Sure, I currently have a rather nasty mark on my credit that looks the same as if I had filed for bankruptcy, but she assured me that as soon as my loan was rehabilitated it would be as if it never existed. The really good news? Everything should be back to normal (well, even better than normal) in a couple of months. I'm hoping it all goes as smoothly as Michelle told me it would, but I really do think she was telling me the truth. In a couple of weeks I should be well on my way to a brand new student loan and also to having my credit restored. Whew.
Jenna has been a pill all week. At least when Josh is gone. I feel like she has a little switch that turns to naughty when it is just the three of us, and to nice the minute she senses him in the vicinity. The booger has been hitting, pinching, pulling hair, name calling, and taking toys from Cole. I think she knows I'm tired. I still try to be consistent, but insomnia and parenting a 3 year old don't seem to mix very well. I'm going to start tomorrow with a new strategy I think. If she even comes close to being bad, it's time out time. I need to stop with the second chances. Punishing takes a lot of effort when you are fall down tired, but I think in the long run it will save me energy.
Finally, there was the scarf. I can't even talk about it. *sob* Wanna know? You can read about it here...
I'm going to out think the insomnia tonight. I've going to bore myself to death with a constant stream of House Hunters on Hulu. Hopefully it bores me into dreamland and becomes insta-cure for the constant stream of sleepless nights I've been combating recently.
Yesterday I got a call from a government collections agency. Apparently, Wells Fargo decided to say I had defaulted on one of my loans. I was confused. I had been working with them on deferment, but when a fax apparently didn't go through, they decided to just default instead of contacting me first. Granted, I probably should have called them to make sure they got the fax, but it was still a little shocking. After a few hours of crying on the phone to a complete stranger named Michelle (the lady assigned to my account at the agency), I calmed down a bit. She was really the nicest person I have talked to about loans since graduating. She gave me options and it turns out that one of those options is even better than never having defaulted. Sure, I currently have a rather nasty mark on my credit that looks the same as if I had filed for bankruptcy, but she assured me that as soon as my loan was rehabilitated it would be as if it never existed. The really good news? Everything should be back to normal (well, even better than normal) in a couple of months. I'm hoping it all goes as smoothly as Michelle told me it would, but I really do think she was telling me the truth. In a couple of weeks I should be well on my way to a brand new student loan and also to having my credit restored. Whew.
Jenna has been a pill all week. At least when Josh is gone. I feel like she has a little switch that turns to naughty when it is just the three of us, and to nice the minute she senses him in the vicinity. The booger has been hitting, pinching, pulling hair, name calling, and taking toys from Cole. I think she knows I'm tired. I still try to be consistent, but insomnia and parenting a 3 year old don't seem to mix very well. I'm going to start tomorrow with a new strategy I think. If she even comes close to being bad, it's time out time. I need to stop with the second chances. Punishing takes a lot of effort when you are fall down tired, but I think in the long run it will save me energy.
Finally, there was the scarf. I can't even talk about it. *sob* Wanna know? You can read about it here...
I'm going to out think the insomnia tonight. I've going to bore myself to death with a constant stream of House Hunters on Hulu. Hopefully it bores me into dreamland and becomes insta-cure for the constant stream of sleepless nights I've been combating recently.
1.27.2010
grumble, grumble, NNU, grumble...
Every government institution insists on viewing me with my husband. It's like glob tag in elementary school. We got married, and then we were one glob, so sayeth the United States of America. I have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is inconsistency. To qualify for food stamps they look at my income along side of Josh's. If we (together) make less than a certain amount, we get aid. To get a student loan deferment they look at my income, alone. The problem with that? I don't have an income. Apparently, I make too little for them to consider me for deferment. *Growl* I can't make any more, Jerkfaces! I have kids that I can't afford to put into daycare. I'm a stay at home mom. (That is not on their list to consider for deferment.) Nope. I have to make a certain amount of money. I have to have a job. The funny thing is that if I were on food stamps, I would automatically qualify. It sucks that because I feel like I should not take advantage of government systems that I don't really need, I get punished. Me being on food stamps could take them away from someone that really can't afford their food. I don't care why that person can't afford food, people should eat. I can buy my groceries, therefore, I refuse to apply for food stamps. However, even if I were to apply they would guage me as a dual income, something that they won't do when it comes to deferring student loans. That just seems somehow wrong. Stupid double standard crap.
1.11.2010
no... just, no...
I am not pregnant. Nor should it be assumed that because I am married and have two kids that good news automatically means that I am. You know, I have a life, and a rather good one, outside of my kids. There are also a whole plethora of other things I enjoy doing or that I would love to have happen that I would scream from the rooftops as good news.
Here is a list of things I would be excited about:
1: Being a published author.
2: Having a super popular web comic.
3: Making a decent amount off of my crochet projects.
4: Finding a new place to live.
5: Finding out good news about one of my friends.
6: Getting to go yarn shopping.
7: Driving again.
Here is a list of things I would not be excited about:
1: Finding out I was pregnant.
2: Waking up and having to shovel snow.
3: Falling off of a ladder.
4: Spending more time cooped up in my house with the inability to leave.
5: Cleaning the office.
Okay. I hope that clears a few things up for people. I know I feel better after a good long rant.
The end.
Here is a list of things I would be excited about:
1: Being a published author.
2: Having a super popular web comic.
3: Making a decent amount off of my crochet projects.
4: Finding a new place to live.
5: Finding out good news about one of my friends.
6: Getting to go yarn shopping.
7: Driving again.
Here is a list of things I would not be excited about:
1: Finding out I was pregnant.
2: Waking up and having to shovel snow.
3: Falling off of a ladder.
4: Spending more time cooped up in my house with the inability to leave.
5: Cleaning the office.
Okay. I hope that clears a few things up for people. I know I feel better after a good long rant.
The end.
12.17.2009
it's almost christmas...
It's almost Christmas and I should be more excited. The holidays are stressful. I have a few more orders to get done, but they should be fairly quick. I also have a few presents to get done for my family. I'm actually looking forward to wrapping presents. I think it's fun. I like making boxes look pretty under the tree.
Due to the fact that annoying things are attracted to me, I lost my license for driving without insurance. It's going to take forever to get it back. It makes me so ridiculously upset that I didn't do something fun to get in trouble. No I followed all of the traffic laws and got pulled over for something the cop admitted I didn't do and got a ticket for something that I wasn't aware of. I mean, if I'm going to get in trouble, I want to do something rebellious and sinister. That would make it feel a little better, right? Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe I just don't like getting in trouble.
The week after Christmas Josh is going hunting and the kids are going to go stay with his mom for a day (maybe two). I'm hoping to find a hotel room that I can afford in Boise so that when I get a break I can at least do something. I have this fear that I'm going to end up without a license and stuck in my house. I would rather be stuck in Boise and close to coffee and a movie theater.
The comic seems to be doing pretty well. We've been putting it up for 6 months now and we haven't lost any of our readers. I think that is a pretty darn good start. By this point I figure the people that were reading it to be nice would be done with it if they didn't like it. I'm still enjoying writing it and I have all kinds of story ideas. I suppose that is an excellent place to be.
A few weeks ago I started a new blog. I've been selling a few of my toys and things. It's keeping me busy and I enjoy feeling like I am actually doing something with my time. I pretty much suck at the whole stay at home mom thing. I'm not a fan of cooking and cleaning and sitting all day with a smile on my face waiting for my husband to come home. I really, really wish I was. If I could transform myself into Donna Reed I would be tempted, but since I can't, having a hobby has really helped.
Speaking of hobbies, my book has been going pretty well. I work on it when I can, and it keeps me feeling like I'm using my brain. That is a very good thing because occasionally I feel like my brain may be turning into complete mush.
I think it's time to wrap a few presents now. It would be good to do it while the kids are napping.
Due to the fact that annoying things are attracted to me, I lost my license for driving without insurance. It's going to take forever to get it back. It makes me so ridiculously upset that I didn't do something fun to get in trouble. No I followed all of the traffic laws and got pulled over for something the cop admitted I didn't do and got a ticket for something that I wasn't aware of. I mean, if I'm going to get in trouble, I want to do something rebellious and sinister. That would make it feel a little better, right? Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe I just don't like getting in trouble.
The week after Christmas Josh is going hunting and the kids are going to go stay with his mom for a day (maybe two). I'm hoping to find a hotel room that I can afford in Boise so that when I get a break I can at least do something. I have this fear that I'm going to end up without a license and stuck in my house. I would rather be stuck in Boise and close to coffee and a movie theater.
The comic seems to be doing pretty well. We've been putting it up for 6 months now and we haven't lost any of our readers. I think that is a pretty darn good start. By this point I figure the people that were reading it to be nice would be done with it if they didn't like it. I'm still enjoying writing it and I have all kinds of story ideas. I suppose that is an excellent place to be.
A few weeks ago I started a new blog. I've been selling a few of my toys and things. It's keeping me busy and I enjoy feeling like I am actually doing something with my time. I pretty much suck at the whole stay at home mom thing. I'm not a fan of cooking and cleaning and sitting all day with a smile on my face waiting for my husband to come home. I really, really wish I was. If I could transform myself into Donna Reed I would be tempted, but since I can't, having a hobby has really helped.
Speaking of hobbies, my book has been going pretty well. I work on it when I can, and it keeps me feeling like I'm using my brain. That is a very good thing because occasionally I feel like my brain may be turning into complete mush.
I think it's time to wrap a few presents now. It would be good to do it while the kids are napping.
11.29.2009
so irritated...
Disclaimer: This is an angry letter to the world, if you don't feel you are part of the problem, then you shouldn't take it personally. If you know you are part of the problem, you are welcome to take offense. It seems like I have been hearing a lot of the same complaint lately. All I have to say is that people are downright mean.
Dear World,
It is absolutely not okay to treat people like you can apologize to them later. It is a completely ridiculous notion that you will always have a chance to say that you are sorry, and that when you do, it should make everything better. It really doesn't matter what your problems are. I am sorry, but it's a fact. When you go out and, because of your stress, pulverize the feelings of someone else, you can never fix it. I'm sorry that your life hurts you. That, is a shame. However, it is silly to assume that you are the only one feeling stress, pain, grief, or like you aren't getting your fair share. That person you just yelled at, had those same feelings, and now they are feeling just a bit lower. You should be nicer to the people you call your friends, before you damage one of them to the point where they jump off a cliff.
The End
Dear World,
It is absolutely not okay to treat people like you can apologize to them later. It is a completely ridiculous notion that you will always have a chance to say that you are sorry, and that when you do, it should make everything better. It really doesn't matter what your problems are. I am sorry, but it's a fact. When you go out and, because of your stress, pulverize the feelings of someone else, you can never fix it. I'm sorry that your life hurts you. That, is a shame. However, it is silly to assume that you are the only one feeling stress, pain, grief, or like you aren't getting your fair share. That person you just yelled at, had those same feelings, and now they are feeling just a bit lower. You should be nicer to the people you call your friends, before you damage one of them to the point where they jump off a cliff.
The End
10.12.2009
pop goes the weasel (or my head)...
Warning: This is me going stark raving mad.
Let me tell you a little something about me. I am happy with the way I look. (At least mostly.) I am not, however, happy with feeling like I have to be upset with myself because that is what girls do. It is harder for me to gain weight than lose it. Why do I have to apologize for that? I still get excited when I fit into an old pair of jeans that haven't fit me since I had my kids. I don't want to be skinnier, but I do enjoy that I am back to my pre-baby size. It is frustrating to me that I get scowled at for being the way I am. You know what? I can't really help it, and it sucks to feel guilty over something so trivial. Why is it that because I am small I can't be excited about weight loss? It is a fact that after I had my kids I was over weight for my height. Not a lot, but enough. 160 pounds is too much for me and my petite frame whereas it is the perfect weight for a lot of lovely people I know. A size 8 looks a lot bigger on me than on your average person. It sucks that people get mad at me for wanting to not be a size 8! Every other girl on the planet is allowed to improve on the way they look and be excited about it. I want to as well! So...
This is me being excited! I put on an old favorite pair of jeans last week. They hadn't fit me since I got pregnant with Jenna, and I had just about decided that they would never fit me again. I was really okay with that, however, they fit! And I'm happy! Yay!
Next item of irritation. I am not too young to be a mom. Okay? 24 is a great age to have kids. I totally respect the decision that some people make to wait to have kids, I wish that those people would respect the fact that I am a perfectly capable adult. I am not a child. Sorry, just because someone is 5 to 10 years older than me it does not mean they are more qualified to be a parent of a child the same age as mine. Now, if you have had toddlers before and your kids are now grown, I welcome advice... this is a totally different situation.
Usually my "Why can't we all get along?" speeches are about politics. However, I want to give a quick one about parenting. I think that I am a good parent, but the more other people tell me that what they are doing is better or that they feel like there is something wrong with one or both of my kids, the more I doubt. It really shouldn't matter who home schools or who does the public school bit. It also shouldn't matter what kid was walking first, who only does organic food, who chooses to cloth diaper, or uses preschool to help keep their sanity. You know, we can all be good parents and make different choices in those areas. We can all get along and recognize that there are different methods of parenting that all work equally as well. Can't we? Maybe not. But, here's the thing, I am so tired of losing confidence and feeling bad about myself because other people are too critical.
Sorry for the explosion, but I promise that it is better for me to blog it than to let it bottle until it explodes into a volcano of me feeling inferior and hiding in my closet while yelling and crying at no one. (Yeah, I can get that crazy.)
Let me tell you a little something about me. I am happy with the way I look. (At least mostly.) I am not, however, happy with feeling like I have to be upset with myself because that is what girls do. It is harder for me to gain weight than lose it. Why do I have to apologize for that? I still get excited when I fit into an old pair of jeans that haven't fit me since I had my kids. I don't want to be skinnier, but I do enjoy that I am back to my pre-baby size. It is frustrating to me that I get scowled at for being the way I am. You know what? I can't really help it, and it sucks to feel guilty over something so trivial. Why is it that because I am small I can't be excited about weight loss? It is a fact that after I had my kids I was over weight for my height. Not a lot, but enough. 160 pounds is too much for me and my petite frame whereas it is the perfect weight for a lot of lovely people I know. A size 8 looks a lot bigger on me than on your average person. It sucks that people get mad at me for wanting to not be a size 8! Every other girl on the planet is allowed to improve on the way they look and be excited about it. I want to as well! So...
This is me being excited! I put on an old favorite pair of jeans last week. They hadn't fit me since I got pregnant with Jenna, and I had just about decided that they would never fit me again. I was really okay with that, however, they fit! And I'm happy! Yay!
Next item of irritation. I am not too young to be a mom. Okay? 24 is a great age to have kids. I totally respect the decision that some people make to wait to have kids, I wish that those people would respect the fact that I am a perfectly capable adult. I am not a child. Sorry, just because someone is 5 to 10 years older than me it does not mean they are more qualified to be a parent of a child the same age as mine. Now, if you have had toddlers before and your kids are now grown, I welcome advice... this is a totally different situation.
Usually my "Why can't we all get along?" speeches are about politics. However, I want to give a quick one about parenting. I think that I am a good parent, but the more other people tell me that what they are doing is better or that they feel like there is something wrong with one or both of my kids, the more I doubt. It really shouldn't matter who home schools or who does the public school bit. It also shouldn't matter what kid was walking first, who only does organic food, who chooses to cloth diaper, or uses preschool to help keep their sanity. You know, we can all be good parents and make different choices in those areas. We can all get along and recognize that there are different methods of parenting that all work equally as well. Can't we? Maybe not. But, here's the thing, I am so tired of losing confidence and feeling bad about myself because other people are too critical.
Sorry for the explosion, but I promise that it is better for me to blog it than to let it bottle until it explodes into a volcano of me feeling inferior and hiding in my closet while yelling and crying at no one. (Yeah, I can get that crazy.)
9.08.2009
and then my heart hurt...
You know, sometimes people get completely out of hand when it comes to how they treat political issues. It's such a terrible cycle. Today, the mudslinging is toward those who disagree with our president addressing children directly in schools. It really is sad. People are being called things like "uneducated hicks" just because they differ in opinion from someone else. There is no purpose in name calling or mocking. It just doesn't make sense. There will always be differences in opinion between groups. That is just a fact. The important thing is how we deal with those differences. Calling people that disagree with you ignorant or uneducated just spreads hate and hard feelings. It would help situations like this greatly if people could step back and try to understand why the other side feels the way they do. After that, just drop it! It doesn't matter what CNN or Fox News is saying. If you don't like watching one or the other and hearing what "lies" they are spreading... don't watch it! All it does is cause hard feelings.
I know a lot of very well educated, non hick, very sweet, very loving, very non judgmental, conservatives. They are, in fact, some of the best people I know. It hurts me to hear them being called names by people that are the other best people I know.
I really don't take sides on this issue. I see both sides very clearly. That's why I think that having parents sign a permission slip to let their kids watch the address is a great way to deal with it.
The fact is, parents are allowed to feel however they want about the education of their kids. I can remember back when I was in elementary school. There was a very wealthy man that wanted to land his very large private plane at the McCall airport. People felt that it was too dangerous because the landing pattern went right over the school. Others thought that those people were just complaining because they didn't like the man in the plane. Some parents pulled their kids out of school for the day in protest, some parents let their kids go. It doesn't really matter who was right or who was wrong in the situation. The important thing is that those parents were allowed to choose what they felt was best for their kids in that situation.
Another example. In jr. high, dances were held during school hours. I was not allowed to go to school dances until I was 16. It was just a house rule that bothered the hell out of me but that my parents had made. For those dances, the school was required to have a permission slip from kids so that parents were still in control of what happened with their kids. It made it impossible for me to sneak into a school dance. However, it also meant that my parents, who were uncomfortable with their 13 year old daughter being at a school dance, were still able to make that choice for me and themselves.
The fact is, no matter how you feel, parents are still in control of their kids. You don't agree with them? Tough. The best thing that people can do is be loving, on both sides. Respect one another. You want people to see your side of an argument? Then be nice and respectfully hear what they have to say from the opposing side.
Okay. I'm done now. If you hate what I had to say, I'm sorry. But, the great thing is, I can feel the way I do without fear. (Well, if you know me, you know I'm actually terrified of writing stuff like this and that I could never actually say any of it to someone's face, but you know what I mean.)
I know a lot of very well educated, non hick, very sweet, very loving, very non judgmental, conservatives. They are, in fact, some of the best people I know. It hurts me to hear them being called names by people that are the other best people I know.
I really don't take sides on this issue. I see both sides very clearly. That's why I think that having parents sign a permission slip to let their kids watch the address is a great way to deal with it.
The fact is, parents are allowed to feel however they want about the education of their kids. I can remember back when I was in elementary school. There was a very wealthy man that wanted to land his very large private plane at the McCall airport. People felt that it was too dangerous because the landing pattern went right over the school. Others thought that those people were just complaining because they didn't like the man in the plane. Some parents pulled their kids out of school for the day in protest, some parents let their kids go. It doesn't really matter who was right or who was wrong in the situation. The important thing is that those parents were allowed to choose what they felt was best for their kids in that situation.
Another example. In jr. high, dances were held during school hours. I was not allowed to go to school dances until I was 16. It was just a house rule that bothered the hell out of me but that my parents had made. For those dances, the school was required to have a permission slip from kids so that parents were still in control of what happened with their kids. It made it impossible for me to sneak into a school dance. However, it also meant that my parents, who were uncomfortable with their 13 year old daughter being at a school dance, were still able to make that choice for me and themselves.
The fact is, no matter how you feel, parents are still in control of their kids. You don't agree with them? Tough. The best thing that people can do is be loving, on both sides. Respect one another. You want people to see your side of an argument? Then be nice and respectfully hear what they have to say from the opposing side.
Okay. I'm done now. If you hate what I had to say, I'm sorry. But, the great thing is, I can feel the way I do without fear. (Well, if you know me, you know I'm actually terrified of writing stuff like this and that I could never actually say any of it to someone's face, but you know what I mean.)
8.27.2009
oh, the summer is gone...
Getting ready to flee this city to a different city. It seems like forever since the last time that Lola and I ran away for a hastily planned trip. It's super exciting, and I can't wait! It's funny, I always plan these escapes ready to get away for a bit, but when it comes right down to it, I dread leaving my kids. I'm going to miss them. They, will probably not miss me. They will be very busy and having a very good time.
Life has been so busy this summer that I've forgotten most of it. It almost feels like we didn't do anything, but the truth is, we were so busy that I barely had time to think.
The comic is going well. I'm enjoying it and am starting to feel the characters take on their own personalities. It's funny how that happens. It's like they exist outside of me, even though I created them. They have full control of where the scripts go now.
My latest trial has been trying to stay grounded. I know what I believe and how I want to view the world and how I want the world to view me. I get frustrated when I catch myself thinking negatively or living in the past. I also get frustrated when those little nagging comments start to come to the surface again. I know there are people out there that think they could do better than I am doing with my life. (I say "I know" because they tell me.) Honestly, I'm sure that by their standards, they could. The problem is that I am happy with how I have chosen to live and with the general direction my life is going. It's true that I make mistakes, but I just can't regret any of them. Why regret things? Why spend so much time feeling down on yourself that you forget how to be happy? Forget how to smile? I just don't get it. I'm continuing on quest to not judge those around me and to forgive, but sometimes, people just make it hard. Seriously, ridiculously, hard.
I should think about sleeping now. Lots to get done before I leave tomorrow! (Well, technically today.)
Life has been so busy this summer that I've forgotten most of it. It almost feels like we didn't do anything, but the truth is, we were so busy that I barely had time to think.
The comic is going well. I'm enjoying it and am starting to feel the characters take on their own personalities. It's funny how that happens. It's like they exist outside of me, even though I created them. They have full control of where the scripts go now.
My latest trial has been trying to stay grounded. I know what I believe and how I want to view the world and how I want the world to view me. I get frustrated when I catch myself thinking negatively or living in the past. I also get frustrated when those little nagging comments start to come to the surface again. I know there are people out there that think they could do better than I am doing with my life. (I say "I know" because they tell me.) Honestly, I'm sure that by their standards, they could. The problem is that I am happy with how I have chosen to live and with the general direction my life is going. It's true that I make mistakes, but I just can't regret any of them. Why regret things? Why spend so much time feeling down on yourself that you forget how to be happy? Forget how to smile? I just don't get it. I'm continuing on quest to not judge those around me and to forgive, but sometimes, people just make it hard. Seriously, ridiculously, hard.
I should think about sleeping now. Lots to get done before I leave tomorrow! (Well, technically today.)
7.07.2009
nothing better to do...
My life today is a bit dull and I feel like writing. So, I decided to blog. A lot (see links throughout).
Summer is now turning to the point of sweltering. Outside is mostly unappealing and I miss the rain that was constant and beautiful a mere few weeks ago. The heat has gotten so dreadful that I am actually wearing shorts today. The likelihood is that I will still not allow myself outside of my house in such attire, but the fact that I am wearing them makes me feel like a bit of a rebel. It may be ridiculous to rebel against myself, but it is easier than rebelling against anything or anyone else.
Over the past few weeks I have realized that my kids are growing up and that I am desperate for that. I know that many of you will now comment on this telling me that I need to treasure every minute I have with them while they are young, but I enjoy watching them develop from babies into children. My head has recently realized that I was probably the least likely candidate for motherhood on the face of the planet when we had our kids, and that is pretty much still true. I don't really want anyone to respond to that. The fact of the matter is that none of you can know my head or heart and that you can only guess at what I am like. The truth is that it is damn hard for me to nurture and take care of my small children every minute of every day. I love them fiercely, but I fear that is not enough.
My brain often fails me. Lately, it has been being more insightful than I wish it would be. People all over imagine what it would be like to have super powers. They conjure images of themselves fighting crime and living forever. What would it be like to actually have a super power? Would you believe me if I said I had a few? No. Most likely not. It would be foolish for you to believe such a thing. It would be foolish for me as well.
It is amazing what time can do to change the views a person has on the world. I am becoming increasingly more neutral. I have a hard time believing that anyone is completely wrong for feeling a certain way on an issue. If you can give me a well thought out argument on anything, I will respect your opinion. I am baffled by those that believe that their way is the only way. How can it be that one thought process is any more valid than another? We were all given brains and we were all giving the ability to think. Our thoughts say a lot about us, but just because we disagree with what someone's thoughts say, that does not invalidate them. They are still people that believe in something. Believing solidly in anything takes so much faith in yourself and in the people around you. It takes faith in outside powers and also in the fact that you will not be mocked or ridiculed for the ideas you put forth. My ability to make decisions and express myself has been squelched by those that are willing to destroy the self-esteem and dreams of others simply because they believe differently.
I have been struggling lately with judging people around me. Daily I find that I must stop myself and remember that I am not better nor any more special than anyone else around me. I am simply a human being like everyone else. I have no more right to anything than anyone else. I'm trying my hardest to remain humble. However, is it wrong to want to feel wanted every now and then? Is it wrong to want to feel pretty and unique? Is it wrong to crave something to set me apart and have people take notice? I only want it on occasion, not always. Just every now and then I want to know that I am wanted in this world.**
My life has been fairly consumed recently by my reading and writing. My heart feels empty if my hands are not holding a book or a pen or a keyboard. Whenever I am sitting and spending time with words I also have music on. What would I do without that escape? Most likely I would explode into a giant black hole. It is frustrating that there is a nagging piece of my brain that tells me to stop. People take it wrong. They don't understand. Everything is so serious. Nothing can be written just as something that is being put on paper. It all must lead back to some inner turmoil in my soul. It just isn't true. It would be so amazing to set myself free from the careless views and theologies of everyone around me so that I could just put words out there without judgment.
That is all for now. I'm spending time with friends later, and then more friends even later than that. For most of the rest of my day I am going to be social... we'll see if it kills me or if I survive.
**(Mom, if you respond to this, so help me I am going to scream! I know that you and Jesus love me and find me to be all of these things and I appreciate that more than you can know... but that is just not what I am getting at right now.)
Summer is now turning to the point of sweltering. Outside is mostly unappealing and I miss the rain that was constant and beautiful a mere few weeks ago. The heat has gotten so dreadful that I am actually wearing shorts today. The likelihood is that I will still not allow myself outside of my house in such attire, but the fact that I am wearing them makes me feel like a bit of a rebel. It may be ridiculous to rebel against myself, but it is easier than rebelling against anything or anyone else.
Over the past few weeks I have realized that my kids are growing up and that I am desperate for that. I know that many of you will now comment on this telling me that I need to treasure every minute I have with them while they are young, but I enjoy watching them develop from babies into children. My head has recently realized that I was probably the least likely candidate for motherhood on the face of the planet when we had our kids, and that is pretty much still true. I don't really want anyone to respond to that. The fact of the matter is that none of you can know my head or heart and that you can only guess at what I am like. The truth is that it is damn hard for me to nurture and take care of my small children every minute of every day. I love them fiercely, but I fear that is not enough.
My brain often fails me. Lately, it has been being more insightful than I wish it would be. People all over imagine what it would be like to have super powers. They conjure images of themselves fighting crime and living forever. What would it be like to actually have a super power? Would you believe me if I said I had a few? No. Most likely not. It would be foolish for you to believe such a thing. It would be foolish for me as well.
It is amazing what time can do to change the views a person has on the world. I am becoming increasingly more neutral. I have a hard time believing that anyone is completely wrong for feeling a certain way on an issue. If you can give me a well thought out argument on anything, I will respect your opinion. I am baffled by those that believe that their way is the only way. How can it be that one thought process is any more valid than another? We were all given brains and we were all giving the ability to think. Our thoughts say a lot about us, but just because we disagree with what someone's thoughts say, that does not invalidate them. They are still people that believe in something. Believing solidly in anything takes so much faith in yourself and in the people around you. It takes faith in outside powers and also in the fact that you will not be mocked or ridiculed for the ideas you put forth. My ability to make decisions and express myself has been squelched by those that are willing to destroy the self-esteem and dreams of others simply because they believe differently.
I have been struggling lately with judging people around me. Daily I find that I must stop myself and remember that I am not better nor any more special than anyone else around me. I am simply a human being like everyone else. I have no more right to anything than anyone else. I'm trying my hardest to remain humble. However, is it wrong to want to feel wanted every now and then? Is it wrong to want to feel pretty and unique? Is it wrong to crave something to set me apart and have people take notice? I only want it on occasion, not always. Just every now and then I want to know that I am wanted in this world.**
My life has been fairly consumed recently by my reading and writing. My heart feels empty if my hands are not holding a book or a pen or a keyboard. Whenever I am sitting and spending time with words I also have music on. What would I do without that escape? Most likely I would explode into a giant black hole. It is frustrating that there is a nagging piece of my brain that tells me to stop. People take it wrong. They don't understand. Everything is so serious. Nothing can be written just as something that is being put on paper. It all must lead back to some inner turmoil in my soul. It just isn't true. It would be so amazing to set myself free from the careless views and theologies of everyone around me so that I could just put words out there without judgment.
That is all for now. I'm spending time with friends later, and then more friends even later than that. For most of the rest of my day I am going to be social... we'll see if it kills me or if I survive.
**(Mom, if you respond to this, so help me I am going to scream! I know that you and Jesus love me and find me to be all of these things and I appreciate that more than you can know... but that is just not what I am getting at right now.)
6.30.2009
a severe case of feeling displaced...
What happens when you don't put yourself out there? You get left behind. You see the rest of the people around you moving on together, and you sit by the side of the road watching. Then, you end up flopped on your couch in the middle of the night and have yourself a good little pity party. You convince yourself that you are not worth the time or effort, and then you plan the best way to avoid the world the next day. You start plotting turning off your phone and then painting a red X on your door so that the neighbors all think you have the plague and just turn around and walk away. Of course, in the end, this just furthers you down into the pit that got you into the mess in the first place. People continue to not know you and continue to forget you exist. Eventually, you disappear into a poof of smoke and the world just believes that you were only an illusion or a nice idea that somebody maybe had once.
I will stop feeling sorry for myself now. Maybe. I will at least stop whining to the world about how sorry I feel for me.
I will stop feeling sorry for myself now. Maybe. I will at least stop whining to the world about how sorry I feel for me.
2.02.2009
a letter to anonymous
To whom it may concern,
I am not better than you. However, recently you would have a hard time convincing my brain of that. I see you. I see the way you live. I see the things you do. There is no possible way I can approve.
Logic tells me that anyone can fall down and scrape their knees. There is no one that is immune to the possibility of utter failure. Small occurrences in ones life can cause somebody to change the direction they were heading. It does not take much for a person to become wounded and turn away from God's plan for them. My life could be where yours is. I have had hurts and failures that could have caused me to run from the grace of God. I see you doing just that. I wish you knew you could not run. He will always catch up with you. God's grace is free and it will hunt you down until you are willing to accept it and let him heal your broken and weary soul.
Conviction has been chasing me. There has been so much judgment in my heart. That judgment has been like a disease filling my head and causing me to sin. It is vital for me to show you grace. However, at this time, I am not sure how to do that... or even if I am able.
Even with the judgment pouring from my head and down into my heart, I want you to know that I feel for you. I hurt for you. I long for you to find your way out of the pit you have fallen into. I want you to know that it is possible, just as it is possible for me to find my way out of the pit of pride I have found myself in. We can both be healed from our diseases. We can both be blessed with God's grace and find ourselves living lives so wonderful that they are completely beyond our imaginations.
I will pray for you. I will also pray for me. I will try my best to keep my prayers for you pure and to keep honest intentions in my heart and head as I lift you up to our Father. I do love you. Please, know that.
With love,
Me
I am not better than you. However, recently you would have a hard time convincing my brain of that. I see you. I see the way you live. I see the things you do. There is no possible way I can approve.
Logic tells me that anyone can fall down and scrape their knees. There is no one that is immune to the possibility of utter failure. Small occurrences in ones life can cause somebody to change the direction they were heading. It does not take much for a person to become wounded and turn away from God's plan for them. My life could be where yours is. I have had hurts and failures that could have caused me to run from the grace of God. I see you doing just that. I wish you knew you could not run. He will always catch up with you. God's grace is free and it will hunt you down until you are willing to accept it and let him heal your broken and weary soul.
Conviction has been chasing me. There has been so much judgment in my heart. That judgment has been like a disease filling my head and causing me to sin. It is vital for me to show you grace. However, at this time, I am not sure how to do that... or even if I am able.
Even with the judgment pouring from my head and down into my heart, I want you to know that I feel for you. I hurt for you. I long for you to find your way out of the pit you have fallen into. I want you to know that it is possible, just as it is possible for me to find my way out of the pit of pride I have found myself in. We can both be healed from our diseases. We can both be blessed with God's grace and find ourselves living lives so wonderful that they are completely beyond our imaginations.
I will pray for you. I will also pray for me. I will try my best to keep my prayers for you pure and to keep honest intentions in my heart and head as I lift you up to our Father. I do love you. Please, know that.
With love,
Me
1.21.2009
death, or something like it...
Dying as defined by Miriam Webster
1: to pass from physical life: expire
2: a: to pass out of existence: cease
b: to disappear or subside gradually —often used with away, down, or out
Dying as defined by Dictionary.com
1: ceasing to live; approaching death; expiring
2: of, pertaining to, or associated with death
3: given, uttered, or manifested just before death
4: drawing to a close; ending
5: the act or process of ceasing to live, ending, or drawing to a close
I didn't write this for any reason other than that I thought the definitions were interesting... especially when one thinks about all of the situations in which you use the word death. Examples? The literal death of someone. The death of a way of life. The death of ones childhood. The death of old, harmful memories. We put things to death every day in our lives.
Call me morbid, but as I was reading these a few actually struck me as funny...
------------
I'm only going to say this once on this blog. If I have actual problems that should be dealt with in ways other than blogging them, I promise, I will. Don't take this too seriously! If you all really know me, as most of you do, then you know that I am a thinker, a brooder, a deep soul lost in a shallow world. I say things to make people think. Rarely am I actually feeling the emotion portrayed within the words I use. Think about it for a while. Just because I sound happy, does not mean that I am. However, this also means that depressing posts do not mean that I'm depressed and that blogs talking about death do not mean that I'm dying. Chillax my friends. I write to write, and I enjoy it. I speak truth here, but I also explore and contemplate. You'll just have to take that for what it is. Love to my fans! Peace out...
1: to pass from physical life: expire
2: a: to pass out of existence: cease
b: to disappear or subside gradually —often used with away, down, or out
Dying as defined by Dictionary.com
1: ceasing to live; approaching death; expiring
2: of, pertaining to, or associated with death
3: given, uttered, or manifested just before death
4: drawing to a close; ending
5: the act or process of ceasing to live, ending, or drawing to a close
I didn't write this for any reason other than that I thought the definitions were interesting... especially when one thinks about all of the situations in which you use the word death. Examples? The literal death of someone. The death of a way of life. The death of ones childhood. The death of old, harmful memories. We put things to death every day in our lives.
Call me morbid, but as I was reading these a few actually struck me as funny...
------------
I'm only going to say this once on this blog. If I have actual problems that should be dealt with in ways other than blogging them, I promise, I will. Don't take this too seriously! If you all really know me, as most of you do, then you know that I am a thinker, a brooder, a deep soul lost in a shallow world. I say things to make people think. Rarely am I actually feeling the emotion portrayed within the words I use. Think about it for a while. Just because I sound happy, does not mean that I am. However, this also means that depressing posts do not mean that I'm depressed and that blogs talking about death do not mean that I'm dying. Chillax my friends. I write to write, and I enjoy it. I speak truth here, but I also explore and contemplate. You'll just have to take that for what it is. Love to my fans! Peace out...
1.12.2009
stop... hammer time...
I hereby renounce all unnecessary drama. I ban said drama from my life and home, and demand full restitution for the sleep and peace it has stolen. My life is beautiful! I will not let it be maimed or mangled by naysayers that wish for everyone to be miserable simply to make their own lives look better.
Also, Stop! Hammer time!
Also, Stop! Hammer time!
12.28.2008
all alone, there's nobody there beside me...
I would like to take a minute and curse hunting season.
BOOOOOOO hunting season! A pox on you and your need to take away my husband. Bah humbug and whatnot.
Hopefully Josh gets a yummy elk so that I can be slightly less irritated at him being away.
BOOOOOOO hunting season! A pox on you and your need to take away my husband. Bah humbug and whatnot.
Hopefully Josh gets a yummy elk so that I can be slightly less irritated at him being away.
9.15.2008
kaplooey...
Apparently I was feeling a little too proud of myself for feeling blessed and not having too much stress. Why you may ask? Why? Because today the proverbial shit hit the fan. Why is it that creditors can't give you one extra week? In two years we've never been late on any of our payments... NEVER! So, why would people want to screw over and piss off such good customers? Ugh. I don't know. But unless we wanted everything to be shut off and late feed we had to cough up a wad of cash and we are once again tapped. I'm trying to remember that we get payed in a week and a half, but that doesn't feel very comforting right now. In a week and a half we will not only get paid for teaching, but also for working at the church. I feel defeated at the moment. Defeated, run down, lost, confused... A day ago I felt like no matter what we would make it. Today I feel doubt. All around me I have people telling me that even after we start getting paid it will never be enough. We are, so they say, destined to always feel the way we do now. Why try? Why look forward to the future? At the moment, I seem to be being told that we will always be left wanting. We will never have enough to make us feel like we are on top of things. We will always be destitute. Why would people say such horrible things? Who knows?!?! Maybe things will look better tomorrow. Maybe I just need some food, sleep and perspective. Maybe and hopefully this will all be over soon and people will turn out to be utterly and horribly wrong about everything. Maybe Josh's salary will be enough. Maybe we won't always feel unable to survive. Maybe someday I'll wake up and realize that in the grand scheme of things none of this matters. However, for right now, I feel broken.
6.26.2008
crummy...
I don't feel good. I'm nauseous, I have a headache, my body hurts, and the baby keeps jabbing me in the ribs and flopping around making my stomach worse. To top it off, our microwave blew out tonight. It fried the outlet it was in which was also the outlet that our fridge was in. It totally stressed me out. So, I asked Josh if he could help me get everything out of the fridge and freezer and into our mini fridge and deep freeze. His response was to do nothing. He jiggled the outlet and it turned on... so we did nothing. Then, as I was getting ready to go to bed, I went to put dinner leftovers in the fridge and it was off again. Josh still didn't want to do anything about it. Why you may ask? Because he had a friend over... I begged, and I think he listened. But I am so stressed! Stressed and sick... I feel so crummy right now that I'm not sure what to do about it. My brain isn't functioning... I can't focus on anything for more than a few seconds and that is stressing me out even more. I'm really not sure what is wrong with me, but it needs to go away. I have too much to get done and too many responsibilities to be sick right now. AHHH!!! I kind of just want to scream and cry all at the same time... So, now what? I think I should sleep, but the stress is causing anxiety which is making that impossible. Ugh... I give up...
4.20.2008
honest to blog...
I will begin this with something positive. Josh bought me Juno for my birthday! A couple of nights ago he went out to find me milk, chocolate, and cough drops (two because I was craving, and one because of allergies). When he came back he said, "The Swiss Cake Rolls were more expensive than usual." I looked at the receipt and the total was way high. Then I looked at the price of the sweets but they weren't any higher than normal. Then I noticed that there in the middle was Juno! I was very excited. Today was the first day that Josh and I had a chance to sit down and watch it. I love, love, love that movie! It is so beautiful and honest. The lines are a kick in the pants as well... I highly recommend checking it out if you haven't already.
Pregnancy movies are a funny thing to watch while you are pregnant. (True story... no joke...)
Now for the less positive stuff: my skin is dry, my hips and back are sore, my feet are starting to ache, my boobs are ridiculously big (almost to the annoying point) and sore, I'm super emotional, I'm getting a preview of menopause with all of the hot flashes I have been getting, the baby doesn't know it is supposed to sleep when mommy is tired and ready for bed or a nap, insomnia has once again set in, and there are a myriad of other pregnancy related issues that keep popping up that nobody wants to hear about I'm sure. I feel so blessed to have a healthy baby growing inside of me and that I am well and able to help nourish it and give it what it needs. However, I had almost forgotten that being pregnant is not easy and that I do not personally posses the patience that is necessary to make it through it with my sanity intact. I need prayer. Prayer for energy and patience. I am currently very short on both. I feel selfish complaining about these little ailments when I know that things could be much worse, but I also needed to vent a little.
Pregnancy movies are a funny thing to watch while you are pregnant. (True story... no joke...)
Now for the less positive stuff: my skin is dry, my hips and back are sore, my feet are starting to ache, my boobs are ridiculously big (almost to the annoying point) and sore, I'm super emotional, I'm getting a preview of menopause with all of the hot flashes I have been getting, the baby doesn't know it is supposed to sleep when mommy is tired and ready for bed or a nap, insomnia has once again set in, and there are a myriad of other pregnancy related issues that keep popping up that nobody wants to hear about I'm sure. I feel so blessed to have a healthy baby growing inside of me and that I am well and able to help nourish it and give it what it needs. However, I had almost forgotten that being pregnant is not easy and that I do not personally posses the patience that is necessary to make it through it with my sanity intact. I need prayer. Prayer for energy and patience. I am currently very short on both. I feel selfish complaining about these little ailments when I know that things could be much worse, but I also needed to vent a little.
3.28.2008
psycho doctor from planet Grrrr....
So, today I finally gave in and went to the doctor about my cold. Having had approximately 2 sinus infections a year since I was seven, I was pretty sure that my basic little virus had morphed into one. Also, I was just getting sick of being too sick to function. Anyhow, I went to the Mercy North quick care as recommended by my OBGYN and waited miserably, yet quietly, for a half an hour. After telling the receptionist and the nurse that I was 22 weeks pregnant (go me! over half way there!) I figured the doctor would already know. However, after waiting for another miserable 15 minutes, the man came in and asked, "So, are you breastfeeding or pregnant?" Grr! Stupid health care system for the masses! I replied once again that I was in fact 22 weeks pregnant. The psycho doctor then asked me if I had been taking anything for my cold. I told him that I had been taking Tylenol for the fever. I then got the most bizarre lecture of my life. Crazy guy then went on to tell me that I should not be taking anything period while I was pregnant. He said that he would not give me a prescription because he felt that he would not allow his wife to take anything while she was pregnant, so he shouldn't put other women at risk either. He then said, "Wouldn't you feel terrible if the baby was born with a defect and you could never be sure if it was your selfish use of drugs while you were pregnant?" Come on dude! It's not like I'm asking for a prescription for Cocaine! He then went on to read from his little drug book about what it said about pregnant women and the drug Amoxicillin. The book said, and I quote, "There are no known or confirmed side effects in animals or humans." Then he said, "Now, it doesn't say, 'Go ahead and take it!' now does it?" No psycho, it doesn't, but I am miserable and I need to get better! I told him I had been fighting this off for about a month and the fever had concerned me, but so did the green and bloody discharge coming out of my sinuses. He still refused me a prescription, so I convinced him to call my OBGYN and ask permission. About 20 minutes later I got a call saying that I was getting my drugs. As for psycho doctor? He's being reported... Grr!
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