kaplooey...

Apparently I was feeling a little too proud of myself for feeling blessed and not having too much stress. Why you may ask? Why? Because today the proverbial shit hit the fan. Why is it that creditors can't give you one extra week? In two years we've never been late on any of our payments... NEVER! So, why would people want to screw over and piss off such good customers? Ugh. I don't know. But unless we wanted everything to be shut off and late feed we had to cough up a wad of cash and we are once again tapped. I'm trying to remember that we get payed in a week and a half, but that doesn't feel very comforting right now. In a week and a half we will not only get paid for teaching, but also for working at the church. I feel defeated at the moment. Defeated, run down, lost, confused... A day ago I felt like no matter what we would make it. Today I feel doubt. All around me I have people telling me that even after we start getting paid it will never be enough. We are, so they say, destined to always feel the way we do now. Why try? Why look forward to the future? At the moment, I seem to be being told that we will always be left wanting. We will never have enough to make us feel like we are on top of things. We will always be destitute. Why would people say such horrible things? Who knows?!?! Maybe things will look better tomorrow. Maybe I just need some food, sleep and perspective. Maybe and hopefully this will all be over soon and people will turn out to be utterly and horribly wrong about everything. Maybe Josh's salary will be enough. Maybe we won't always feel unable to survive. Maybe someday I'll wake up and realize that in the grand scheme of things none of this matters. However, for right now, I feel broken.