if I could only escape my brain for a few minutes...

Last night I had terrible dreams. After making the decision to have the c-section yesterday I did what any ex English major would do and I came home to read anything I could get my hands on about them. I read things online and in books and in magazines. The problem? It seems like most things about c-sections are about the risks and complications. All night long I had all of these dreams about things going wrong and happening to the baby. I woke up feeling entirely guilty. I'm having the c-section to avoid complications to me, but what about the baby? It seems like a few extra weeks of healing time is nothing compared to a lifetime of food allergies and breathing problems. One of my biggest flaws is that I tend to over think things. I make a decision, and then I spend the next few hours or days convincing myself that the decision I made should be tweaked in some way. This is great when shopping... it causes me to avoid many unnecessary purchases. However, when it comes to real life, big dilemmas it is a problem. I keep having to stop myself from picking up the phone and canceling the surgery... I guess I'll just have to distract my brain with something else for the next 6 days so I don't do something foolish like that. Or is it really a foolish thing to do in the first place?

little things that make a big difference...

Today was a really good day.

1: We put up a closet rod in a space in our room that was unused. We cleaned our room and ran loads and loads of laundry... then we sorted what was left. We also moved some dressers around to make more clothes room for the new baby in the the nursery and room for a bassinet in our room.

2: I packed Jenna's suit case so she is all ready to go when it is time.

3: I went shopping with my mom and she bought some cute little outfits for the new baby. She bought pink and blue so that I would be prepared no matter what.

4: I got a VERY surprising gift from my sister. She had been refusing to get the baby anything since she didn't know the sex, but a couple of days ago she got us little diapers and then today she showed up with some super cute unisex onesies, a sleeper, and a swaddler.

5: Because of the generous gifts from my mom and my sis I could pack a diaper bag for the new baby to take to the hospital!

6: My mom and I went looking at bassinets and we should be getting one tomorrow!

7: I found out that Pete and Kerri are getting us a car seat. (who knows how long Josh has known this, but I was just told today.)

8: Cailin is coming tomorrow! YAY!

It is amazing how a few little things can all stack up to make for one amazing day. It was definitely amazing, but definitely exhausting as well... So now I'm going to go relax for a while and then I am going to sleep... hopefully... ;)

Oh! And just for kicks and giggles... Last night I had a dream that we had our ultrasound on Thursday and that I am currently pregnant with a female rainbow trout... yup. lol

about a half an hour after sleep claims me...

Thirty minutes is about all it seems to take for the psychotic part of my brain to take over. For the past several nights, I have been having the strangest dreams. A few nights ago I went to Europe with Josh, two of my friends and two complete strangers who were on their honeymoon. Another night I was whisked away to the top of a mountain. I was alone, and I was singing hymns. Then all of a sudden I stood up and jumped off the mountain and as I was plummeting to earth, I realized I could fly. I took off over meadows and lakes and valleys and hills. I ended up back at the mountain. I sat down, and fell asleep. Then last night I had a dream about a night when I was about eight years old. It had been completely buried in my memory, but last night it escaped into my dreams. I was so small. I was tired. I was sleeping in a room that was not my own. There was a boy there, and he played the piano for me. In my dream I closed my eyes and was taken away to a grand ball. In the dream within my dream I was a princess. Then I opened my eight year old eyes, and he stood there by my bed holding a gun. I screamed that this is not how the memory went, that he was not supposed to shoot me. He looked at me and said, "You're right, you're supposed to shoot me." He handed me the gun, and I started to cry. Then I woke up...

I hate dreams. I know people that say that they wished they dreamed. Those people are foolish. My dreams suck. They feel real, and sometimes they contort reality to the point that I can't remember what is fact and what is fiction. My reality is shrouded in clouds after weeks of such dreams. I feel lost and tortured. I feel... I guess I'm not sure what I feel, and what I perceive to feel. I just exist.