what to say when there is nothing left to say...

I am out of ideas. When it gets to the point that any random comment made about you can bring tears, you know you have a problem. Here is the deal: I know I am messed up. I just wish there was a way to solve the insecurities I have, to make them better. I want a magic bandaid for my brain. I have a plan, not a great one, but one that will have to work for now.

My first panic attack happened when I was in fifth grade. I can remember everything about it. Where I was sitting, what it was about, how I reacted. It was terrible; the most frightening thing I have ever had to deal with. Since then, I have learned to roll with them. Most of the time I do okay. Lately, I have been having more trouble.

More frustrating than my apparent inability to have normal human interactions is the fact that everyone has a solution. Most of those solutions involve prayer, fasting, and the fact that if I had enough faith I would be healed. Great. Prayer, does work; to an extent. It helps get me through, but it does not stop the attacks. Being told to have more faith, does not help. The last thing a person like me needs is an existential crisis.

For now, I wait. I am going to get used to less sleep again, and I am going to force myself to interact with my friends. That helps. Even though talking to strangers is still painful, it should get better. That is the pattern I have noticed. If I make myself uncomfortable, eventually it eases up.

All this to say, I want my friends to know that I am okay. If I freak out on you, don't take it personally. I really am working on being my normal self again (whatever that is). It is going to take practice and patience, but I'm hoping for the best. Remind me to breathe, give me a smile, it is going to get easier. It is; it always has...


Tibbsy said...

Ok, here's what I think: Lindsey Lohan, the tranquil island of sanity within Hollywood that she is, has a white ink tattoo on her wrist that simply says, "Breathe." This is to remind her to... respire, I guess. So, look to her for all your respratory recollection failure needs. Get a tattoo that will remind you to continue all your autonomic and semi-autonomic functions. Then we friends can be off the hook.

Also, if you ever wonder... Yes, these comments are aimed so that one day (hopefully soon) you will regret that you ever told me that you value my opinion. Revenge is sweet. And mine.

Jenn the Indomitable said...

I second breathing. You may also try yoga, because it focuses on breathing and basically thinking only about breathing. It sounds like you need to slow down that busy brain of yours to some extent, if you're being kept awake. Also, I know it sounds ridiculous, but sometimes I work myself super hard at the gym, kick my own butt really, and I have no space left in me to freak out because I'm just so tired. So that might help.

Also, I have much the same issue, which is that if I don't push myself out the door every day and interact with people I get really reclusive. I deal with this by (you guessed it) pushing myself out the door every day. Having a regular coffee place is awesome for me - I've got about three places where they know me, know my drink, and are happy to see my turn up. That is less like strangers, and since the interaction is timed (you order, banter, give money, get drink and go) it's less intense than, say, a 40 minute conversation about how things are in your life with a good friend.

And about faith: the best I can say is that God is right behind you every time you have a panic attack, holding you carefully by the shoulders, waiting it out with you. Miracles don't always happen and lots happens we can't explain or understand but He is always there right behind you, suffering, worrying, rejoicing as you suffer, worry, and rejoice. It's not a matter of faith. (I hate that people use that as a panacea. Also, remind yourself that people will often take this up to remind themselves that THEY are doing okay, therefore, it's not actually about you; they are self-reassuring, using your worries.)

And one more thing: it doesn't get better, but we grow more equipped to deal with it. Whatever "it" is. That's God's way. Not that things get easier. We just learn how to cope better! Which is exciting really - who wants to be complacent when they have the chance to learn & grow, right? :)

Okay I've babbled on long enough. :) Hope this helps! Thinking & praying as always... x

The Artist said...

Here's my comment... that isn't as long as the other two. I know you'll be okay. I know this 'cause I've seen you get better. In the meantime, find sweet release in a wonderful fictional world. Spray a monster with mace. It makes a smile spread across your face. :)