to plot...

I've been plotting. Usually my plotting involves taking over everything. Not recently. Recently my plotting has been about plots. It has been about people that I have never met and places that I have never been. I've been seeing visions. It's like I have people right by me and inside of me living out lives that only I can see. I know I sound crazy. Maybe I am crazy.

There is method acting. Could it be possible that there is method writing? To become people? To have characters that don't exist creep into your head? I find that I can't write without it taking over. It's the ultimate form of escapism. Far better than reading books. Reading books can only get you so far. It is an okay high, but not the best. Writing is so much better.

Dilemma #1: So, what does a girl do when she wants so badly to write but she can't afford to lose herself? Does she do it anyway? I vote yes. (Well, maybe just when the kids are napping.)

Dilemma #2: What does a girl do when she wants so badly to write, but she can't handle having what she writes be read? Does she do it anyway? Is there a point to writing a novel that won't ever be seen? Maybe not.

I have this fear of writing something and having people not like it. I've been told that I am good at this thing that so utterly and completely captivates me, but what if I've been lied to? What if I'm only as good as I see myself? Unfortunately for me, my self-evaluations tend to end badly.

I suppose it comes down to not wanting people to see me as imperfect. I know I am. However, if I hide well enough, maybe I can keep that from the public eye. More than being imperfect, I really don't know if I can handle people seeing me as crazy as I truly am. It is odd to me that I think I seem fairly average from the outside, but that when I open up my heart and my head either through words spoken out loud or on paper, I can seem far less than sane. Maybe my problem is not in my evaluation of myself, but instead of my evaluation of the people around me. I suppose it is possible that we are all a little insane.

It is late and I should be sleeping, but I think that instead I will go back to plotting a little (or maybe a lot). Later I will decide if I should continue to allow myself to be part of the psychosis that comes from "method writing" if it will never be read, but for now I will just give in and enjoy it.


The Artist said...

I'd go off on you about just doing it and all that... but I'm pretty sure you know exactly how I feel about the whole thing.

bekah said...

I think method writing is perfectly acceptable and probably even the better way to do it. I know that I get into method reading quite a bit--I literally feel like a different person when I'm reading certain books because I take on the persona of the author or the main character.

I think you just need to remember that no one is as sane as they appear from a distance. Or even from up close. We all have our insanities that we keep locked up tight in our heads. I find yours fascinating and endearing when I get to see them :)

Meagan said...

You, the author of Twilight wrote her books after her kids were in bed... she wrote them for herself and it was her sister who finally talked her into getting them published. I say just go for it, and then think about maybe possibly publishing whatever you write at a later date.

Heidi said...

I say... write! Write when you get the urge. Like Megan said about the author of Twilight - write for yourself. Tackle the other-people-reading-it part later.

Jess said...

I feel this way about writing too...it's hard to put it down. What you write is a kind of reflection of the world, but more-so perhaps a reflection of the writer. I feel as though, if I really write what I think, then the whole world will know me too well. It'll be out there for everyone to see. Am I ready to be that vulnerable? I don't know, but I think I'm gonna give it a shot. I figure if it does turn out as badly as I think it could, or if it's just too revealing, then I can always hide it behind a tapestry or send it to the flames...but if I don't write it, I'll never know for myself.