i'm fine-tuning my angry girl music pandora station...

We made it through week one of having a comic come out three days a week. It's pretty sweet actually. I mean, so it doesn't make money, who cares? The fact is, I'm writing something that gets published on a weekly basis. Not only that, it's been published on a weekly basis for almost a year now. I love it! How many people can say that they are actually living out their dreams? It's a pretty cool thing to be able to claim.

On a related note: my book is taking forever to complete. Splitting writing time can be frustrating. There are days when I know I have to get a comic done, but what I really want to do is work on the other love in my life. I suppose it is how things go. I've never been super amazing at balance.

On an unrelated note: the weather recently has been killer on my joints. I noticed today when I was climbing some stairs that my feet are starting to really hurt again. It is a frustrating thing, not knowing what the heck is wrong with me. All I know is that I wish it was in my head because then I could just will it away. The only long term relief I have had since it started was pregnancy... and let's face it, that isn't happening again. (At least not for years and years.) For now it is pain killers and trying to ignore it as much as possible.

I suppose that I should try to find some sleep. Maybe tonight I'll have splendid dreams and wake up to sunshine.

project linus

I don't know how many of you have heard of Project Linus, but it is a great organization. Most people wouldn't know about it unless they had been positively affected by it. When Cole was hospitalized as an infant, we were given a quilt from the Project Linus organization. I can't even tell you how much that meant to me. It's hard to be a parent watching your sick child be hooked up to machines and tested for different things. It is even harder feeling like it is your fault, like you could have somehow prevented it. Something as small as a blanket made by a stranger for your child can mean the world. I've decided to challenge myself to make several blankets for Project Linus this year. I know how much my heart warms when I see Cole's quilt, I'm hoping I can bring the same feelings to other parents and their kids. If you have the ability, I would like to challenge you to find your local chapter and make at least one blanket for them, if you don't have a local chapter, I'm sure that mine would be more than happy to receive your donation. :)

an excuse to buy more...

I went to the Brandi Carlile concert a couple days ago with Beth. It was such a good time. Brandi puts on an amazing concert, so much energy through the whole thing. Her opening act was very good. Her name is Katie Herzig and I think I may be a little bit in love with her. Her voice was awesome, and her songs were really good. I spent a good chunk of time listening to her stuff on youtube when I got home.

I'm going to have to take at least a little bit of a break from playing games on my DS and compy. They may be a lot of fun, but right now I need to work on some crochet projects. On top of that, my friend Brandi told me about the Ravelympics which is pretty much a challenge to concentrate on a project during the Winter Olympics and finish it during that time. I'm trying to decide on what I want to work on. I really want to make this dress in a much shorter version (think long, tunic-style, tank top), without the beads, and in a darker color (probably grey), but I'm not sure I'm quite ready for that yet. I know whatever I do, I want to make it a knitting project because that is going to be the biggest challenge. Anyhow, I'm on a pattern hunt. We will see what I come up with. I will probably put project updates on my other blog, but I haven't decided for sure yet.

Okay, it's time for me to go get to work. I need to get started on an ele and a giraffe for a friend's 3 year old!

more of the usual...

It has most likely been too long since I last posted. Holidays make life busy.

I got new DS games for Christmas! The Professor Layton game I had demanded Josh get me was nestled sweetly in my stocking where it was supposed to be. The puzzles are fun. The story isn't as good as the first one I don't think, but that is okay, I play them for the puzzles anyway. the other game I got was a Sherlock Holmes game. I am excited to check it out, but right now Prof. Layton is consuming my DS attention.

On an even nerdier note, I have been spending entirely too much time leveling alts on WoW. Silly addictive game. My Paladin is now a 73 and I have a hunter up to 47. I'm sure that they will both eventually reach level cap and join my other two 80s. This may make me completely pathetic, but I really don't care. I find plenty of time for my family and other hobbies as well.

Knitting is a new hobby taking up a lot of my attention. I've discovered that since I started knitting I have found time to make projects for myself. I don't know if I could knit for others, it takes too much time. Crocheting is easier to part with for some reason. I've been posting my projects on a different blog so that this one wasn't swallowed up by all of the things I have been making. It's great to have something to keep my hands busy. It's also great to make a little extra money from something that I enjoy.

My book is feeling neglected. I suppose that holidays suck up a lot of time, but I still feel bad for not working on it like I would like to. It is coming along. I like my plot and I like where I am going to be able to take it. I thought about giving myself a word cap, and then I changed my mind. I don't want to limit where it could go, or extend it beyond where it should. Maybe I will just give myself a time cap. I'd like to have it done and ready for editing by the end of the year.

Comic. Oh, the comic. Sweet time-suck of frustration and awesome. It is getting better I think. The art is progressing and the writing is starting to look and sound like actual comic writing. I hope that the people that read it are getting enjoyment from it, and I hope that this new year brings even more readers.

In other news, I have a three year old now. I'm old. See her blog for more details. I also have the sweetest 1 1/2 year old on the planet. He is such a monkey and he makes me smile daily. See his blog for more details. (I have such a terrible blog addiction, it isn't even funny, I wonder if they have special therapists for that...)

I think that's about it. I won't bore you all with any more details of my life. Things are busy, hectic, crazy, obnoxious, and messy. However, they are also wonderful. With the bad comes good, and sometimes we wouldn't find the things that are making us deliriously happy without going down the painful roads. I hope you are all having a wonderful new year so far and that it continues to be so. Happy January!

it's almost christmas...

It's almost Christmas and I should be more excited. The holidays are stressful. I have a few more orders to get done, but they should be fairly quick. I also have a few presents to get done for my family. I'm actually looking forward to wrapping presents. I think it's fun. I like making boxes look pretty under the tree.

Due to the fact that annoying things are attracted to me, I lost my license for driving without insurance. It's going to take forever to get it back. It makes me so ridiculously upset that I didn't do something fun to get in trouble. No I followed all of the traffic laws and got pulled over for something the cop admitted I didn't do and got a ticket for something that I wasn't aware of. I mean, if I'm going to get in trouble, I want to do something rebellious and sinister. That would make it feel a little better, right? Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe I just don't like getting in trouble.

The week after Christmas Josh is going hunting and the kids are going to go stay with his mom for a day (maybe two). I'm hoping to find a hotel room that I can afford in Boise so that when I get a break I can at least do something. I have this fear that I'm going to end up without a license and stuck in my house. I would rather be stuck in Boise and close to coffee and a movie theater.

The comic seems to be doing pretty well. We've been putting it up for 6 months now and we haven't lost any of our readers. I think that is a pretty darn good start. By this point I figure the people that were reading it to be nice would be done with it if they didn't like it. I'm still enjoying writing it and I have all kinds of story ideas. I suppose that is an excellent place to be.

A few weeks ago I started a new blog. I've been selling a few of my toys and things. It's keeping me busy and I enjoy feeling like I am actually doing something with my time. I pretty much suck at the whole stay at home mom thing. I'm not a fan of cooking and cleaning and sitting all day with a smile on my face waiting for my husband to come home. I really, really wish I was. If I could transform myself into Donna Reed I would be tempted, but since I can't, having a hobby has really helped.

Speaking of hobbies, my book has been going pretty well. I work on it when I can, and it keeps me feeling like I'm using my brain. That is a very good thing because occasionally I feel like my brain may be turning into complete mush.

I think it's time to wrap a few presents now. It would be good to do it while the kids are napping.

sky, house, bird, sky, house, bird...

Get it? It's a pattern, which is what I seem to be developing again. When my brain gets too overloaded, I stop sleeping. I really don't mean to, I just can't calm it down enough to close my eyes. I suppose it isn't really a big deal. I don't need much sleep to wake up and feel rested the next day. Maybe that's on purpose. At least my brain and body agree with each other or I would be a zombie most days.

I've been missing my grandma a lot lately. She was a beautiful lady. I'm so blessed that I got to live in the same house as her for so many years and that we got to be such good friends. She made the best stuffed animals. I have several still. The other day I went into Jenna's room and found one of them. I held it close and remembered what it was like to give her a hug. I really think she would get a kick out of me making animals for other people. They aren't nearly what hers were, but they come from the same place in my heart.

I've never been very good at losing people. I just don't handle it well. Even with all of the practice I have had, it never gets easier.

It's too late for me to be talking about something this deep. Time for Pandora to hopefully help me find some sleep. Time for lullabies via the A Fine Frenzy station... starting with Coldplay it would seem.

penny for a thought...

It seems that my life has reached the stress out point once again. I'm not really sure why, but for whatever reason, I am feeling overwhelmed. My solution this go of it seems to be playing more WoW. Today I got my paladin Penelope to 60 which really means nothing except for the fact that I am one step closer to having my 3rd character at max level.

Halloween came and went and I didn't blog about it at all. It seems strange to me because I spent hours making all of our costumes. Jenna wanted to be Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and she wanted Cole to be The Itsy Bitsy Spider. So, Josh and I decided to be nursery rhymes as well. He was Old King Cole and I was The Cat and The Fiddle. My kids were pretty darn adorable. I think I made a pretty cute kitty as well.

The comic seems to be doing okay. I'm working on new story lines and trying to weave more of a plot line through the whole thing. There are always set backs for me. I have so little faith in myself and any talent I may (or may not) have. It makes it hard when critics start in on it. Rhett has been getting a lot of praise for his art progression, and rightfully so. My writing seems to just get constantly criticized. It's really frustrating, but something I know I need to get used to.

Crocheting has been a big stress relief for me recently. If you are at all interested in what I make, you can check out my new blog (we're not going to talk about the huge blogging problem I have) Cuddle Zoo (thanks Brandi for the name).

Yeah. I'm done typing now. I'm going to go back to watching Twilight ridiculously early in the morning and leveling Penny some more. My brain isn't feeling so hot tonight... so I figure distracting it is the right move at the moment.

busy and such but that's okay...

Hello, my life is busy and I'm running out of time to be bored. That, is a very good thing.

First, I am once again working in the nursery twice a week. It seems that the 5ish month break that I took was enough to make me want to go back. It is crazy to me that I have worked there for 6 years. The babies that I started with are in first grade this year. The kids in the oldest room that I started with are in third grade. How crazy! Seeing them walking around and being big kids is strange and makes me feel very old.

The comic is going well. At least I think it is. My little trip to Vegas inspired me with a story line that I have been quite pleased with. Characters are developing and people are responding and it is quite nice. For a while I was feeling a bit discouraged about the whole thing, but it seems I got over myself and am now okay with the fact that only a few people might ever enjoy it. I've decided that as long as someone is reading it and laughing that I am perfectly okay with that.

There are a hundred little things occupying my time and I like them. I finally convinced Josh that we should move to Boise. I've been looking for a place that we can afford that is big enough for us and that allows dogs. Tuesdays and Thursdays I drive to Boise to do comic stuff and to work on my own writing and just to see friends. It is also possible that I spend entirely too much time playing WoW and games on my DS. I figure whatever gets me though my day with some of my sanity is 100% time well spent.

Family stress is getting to me these days and I figure I will blog about it later, but I just don't have it in me today... at least not at this very moment. Maybe later.

some might call it poetry... maybe...

I've been writing a lot of other stuff lately on my other stuff blog. I would like to invite you to read it, but I also want to warn you that if you do read it you should not try to apply it to my life or read anything into it. I love to write and it just comes out however it does... That being said, here is the link.

We have been so busy lately and I feel like I haven't had time for breathing. However, I must be breathing regularly because I have not caught myself passing out in random places.

This weekend one of my roommates from college is getting married. I am so excited to drive over and see it! I'm so happy for her.

I am determined to figure out a time to do pictures with Heidi. We both have ideas we want to try. IT WILL HAPPEN! And speaking of Heidi... she has a new photoblog! I, personally, love looking at her pictures. She took my wedding pictures and now she takes all of our family and kid pictures. Anyhow, she just started it and I hope you enjoy the pictures she has up.

catching up with something...

Summer has started for me. Josh is home and we are settling into a routine. I ran away for a bit this week. Josh let me check myself into a hotel in Boise for a bit of rehab. Maybe I am weak, but I was beginning to lose it. My family is amazing. However, my brain does not function well spending every day in my house and caring for them. I have no idea what is missing from my girlness, but there is a part of me that has no ability to handle the housewife and stay at home mom thing. Why I am admitting this to the world, I have no idea. I know that some of the people that read this are the perfect women. I envy you. There are people that I know that can sew, cook, clean, and care for their families like nobody's business. I write web comics. My brain must be stuck. Only, it seems to be stuck in the same place as most teen boys. Kind of a strange place to find myself in, but I enjoy it. There is a notebook in my bag full of scripts and storyboards and another one waiting to be filled with the nonsensical poetry that lives in a constant stream in my head. It's like narration. It just flows all of the time and, occasionally, there will be a chunk that should be written down. Only, I suppose it is not like narration in the same instant because most of it has nothing to do with my life... just with life in general.

Okay, now for a little bit of the wickedness living in my head. Sometimes, I just want to mess with people. My computer has a file on it of blogs I have never posted. They aren't posted, because they aren't factual. Some of them sound like they are (okay, most of them do), but they aren't. However, it would be fun to put them up. People are so sure that what they read is what is the truth. It is fun to see how they react when it isn't. It is hard to be a writer. That is why I have two different blogs; one to spout whatever nonsense I want, and this one. There are still people who read my life into my poetry and random whatever. I beg of you, stop trying. If you cannot stop, then keep it to yourself... Otherwise, I am going to have to resort to posting the blogs on my hard drive. It will be like War of the Worlds all over again.

hello June...

New months always make me a little mad. It stinks to have something end and to have something new start by sitting down and paying bills. Bills, are not fun.

This month I actually have something to look forward to. Sure, I still have to take time to give my money out to all of the people demanding it, but I also have a comic to premiere! In 14 hours and 24 minutes it will be online. It's a little hard to believe that something that I have been working towards for several months is happening. To be truthful, I wasn't sure it would. I figured that Rhett and I would talk about it a few times and that we wouldn't be able to come up with anything. However, we did. In my opinion it is good, but most importantly I like it and am proud of it. Rhett did a good job drawing my scripts and story boarded stick figures. Our ideas work well together...

I really hope you guys enjoy it.

Visit my newest baby tonight if you want; it will be up at midnight. Also, feel free to toss your feedback to the e-mail addresses on the "Creators" page or to our facebook page.

it's a happy kind of stress...

The weekend was a good way to go into this next week. Josh and I got to spend a lot of time together and yesterday we had some friends over for a barbecue. It was relaxing and a very nice break before the stress of this week.

The kind of stress that I have right now is okay. I am happy about what is causing the stress. It is just a little strange to work on something for several months and then finally see it turn into what you wanted. Next Tuesday my web comic launches. I've been a little more than nervous about it, but I'm starting to think that it might actually be good. This week could be an interesting one for me. I'll be stressed, but at the same time, excited.

www.bus-stopcomic.com

mother's day...

My parents woke me up with a phone call on Mother's Day. They brought over a wonderful picture frame with pictures of the kids they had taken while Josh and I were in Portland. The center picture is of the kids with my grandma. Such a special gift!

















We spent the rest of the day with Josh's parents. We had lunch with them and the kids had a great time playing. I took a really long nap and while I was napping Josh left to go to work. While I thought he was working, he actually took a trip to Nampa to run an errand. He got back without me knowing and we took off to go home and put the kids to bed. When we got home, there was a Wii Fit, Gardening Mama (a DS game), and two wonderfully perfect pictures finger painted by my kids. It was so special! I could not have asked for a better day with my family.

a project or two...

My blog has been sadly neglected recently. Every day I spend at least a little time thinking that I should be spending more time with it, but ever day I get side tracked. The book has been suffering from mild neglect as well. The comic strip has been pulling away a little too much of my time. I admit, I miss my book. I miss her. I miss the comfort and agony all wrapped up into one tumultuous bundle that comes from putting so much effort and love into one area. She takes so much from me, and yet she really does give as well. The comic has come to a point where I believe I may be able to concentrate less on it now. I suppose we shall see.

Today I shared a piece of my soul with a lot of people. I know it is probably crazy, but everything I write holds on to me and becomes part of me. All of the silly poems, all of the not so silly poems, letters, stories, essays, even my comic strip. They are all me. Turning in a paper in college used to be the closest that I came to allowing people to read what I write. I developed my blog to help ease some of that; to help myself get used to the idea of the world hearing my voice. It has helped I suppose, at least mildly. However, the minute I picture some stranger ogling my creative output, I feel a little cheap, a little dirty. It's mine! Don't look at it like a piece of meat.

The fear is slowly subsiding. The test strip has gone up. First reactions are coming in. So far, nothing terrible; nothing I cannot handle. So far, people seem to be enjoying this one little piece of me. That is what I want. I want people to enjoy it. I want people to laugh. At the same time, I want to keep it all to myself. I want to be selfish.

June is coming. I think I am ready... at least, I hope I am.

tomorrow is another day...

Tomorrow is my 24th birthday. Here is a list of things that I would like to do:

1: Eat cake.
2: Spend time outside.
3: Have my meeting with Rhett.
4: Eat more cake.
5: Maybe eat some pie?
6: Play some games with Josh.
7: Go shopping.
8: Eat yummy food.
9: Eat more cake... and maybe some more pie?
10: Sleep.

Heehee... Really, the things that birthdays are good for are cake, good food, and maybe pie?

what has been going on in the life of me...

Vagueness aside I am going to try and step outside of my self-doubt and give you a glimpse into what I have been up to in a professional and literary sense.

A while ago I mentioned my new job writing. Since I got my mini I have been faithfully writing on Tuesdays and Thursdays. My book is coming along, and I am excited about it. Although I am still shy about the content I am starting to share it with friends to get opinions and also just to get used to the idea of people reading what I write.

On another note, my friend Rhett and I are writing a web comic. Along with admitting that I am actually going to be publishing something to the internet, I also must admit that I am writing a comic. My inner nerd has been coming out of the closet recently and so this is easier to admit than it would have been at one time, but I still feel a little bit strange about telling this to the world (or at least to those of you that read this). Our website is live right now, but we will not be posting our first comic until June first. We have been working on the strip for a few weeks now, and it is really coming along. I am quite proud of it and am actually excited for all of you who wish to read it to have the opportunity. Hopefully June comes quickly! If you are curious and want to see our killer logo you can go to www.bus-stopcomic.com. The logo is all that is there at the moment, but we will slowly be building character bios and personal bios and making a layout and so on. If you want to keep up on such things, or just get a reminder when when publish our first strip, I am also going to be making our Facebook page and Twitter feed live in the near future; send me a message on here and I will invite/follow you on one or both! (It feels strange to want to publicize something that I am working on.)

On the note of publicizing I want to thank those of you that follow my blog for reading! I am coming to grips with the fact that I actually have a readership and I am going to try my hardest to continue blogging. I won't lie, this blog will probably continue to be mostly about my life and feelings, but I do have another blog where I write and let my silly self out. That blog might have a serious post at times but, for the most part, it is pretty light and hopefully at least a little entertaining. Here is the web address: http://semi-crazyblondegirlstrikesagain.blogspot.com. You may visit and follow if you wish.

Again, thank you all for reading what I write. My anxiety levels may be high right now, but I think, for the most part, it is worth it. Here I am stretching myself and taking a dive into the deep end of the pool. Thanks for the support that you all have shown me! It really does help.

what to say when there is nothing left to say...

I am out of ideas. When it gets to the point that any random comment made about you can bring tears, you know you have a problem. Here is the deal: I know I am messed up. I just wish there was a way to solve the insecurities I have, to make them better. I want a magic bandaid for my brain. I have a plan, not a great one, but one that will have to work for now.

My first panic attack happened when I was in fifth grade. I can remember everything about it. Where I was sitting, what it was about, how I reacted. It was terrible; the most frightening thing I have ever had to deal with. Since then, I have learned to roll with them. Most of the time I do okay. Lately, I have been having more trouble.

More frustrating than my apparent inability to have normal human interactions is the fact that everyone has a solution. Most of those solutions involve prayer, fasting, and the fact that if I had enough faith I would be healed. Great. Prayer, does work; to an extent. It helps get me through, but it does not stop the attacks. Being told to have more faith, does not help. The last thing a person like me needs is an existential crisis.

For now, I wait. I am going to get used to less sleep again, and I am going to force myself to interact with my friends. That helps. Even though talking to strangers is still painful, it should get better. That is the pattern I have noticed. If I make myself uncomfortable, eventually it eases up.

All this to say, I want my friends to know that I am okay. If I freak out on you, don't take it personally. I really am working on being my normal self again (whatever that is). It is going to take practice and patience, but I'm hoping for the best. Remind me to breathe, give me a smile, it is going to get easier. It is; it always has...

i see trees of green... (kind of)...

It is time for new contacts. In a few hours I have an eye appointment. It is interesting to me how much I look forward to and dread having my eyes checked all at the same time. Yes, new contacts mean I get to stop wearing the pair I have been wearing for three months, however, I also have to hear that my eyes have, once again, gotten worse. I am definitely excited to get some new glasses. It has been almost four years since my last pair and my prescription has changed 3 times since then. Needless to say, they do little to no good and I am nearly blind while wearing them.

Tomorrow is Thursday which means that I am meeting with Rhett about Bus Stop. There are several ideas camping in my brain that I need to get onto paper before then.

My book is feeling abandoned. Josh was worried about that... I suppose it was rightfully so. He is working late every night this week and so my book will probably stay abandoned until next week. Maybe I'll get to the coffee shop early tomorrow and work on it then. She wants some attention and, quite frankly, I miss her. We were getting along so well, and I suppose it would be good to keep our relationship functional. It would be sad to let her waste away in my head and heart and not to let her express herself fully.

the weekend was wonderful...

Our kids spent this past weekend with the grandparents...

(insert crazy, excited, evil, plotting, ecstatic laughter here)

Friday Josh and I went to Barnes and Noble. Hot date, I know. It was awesome! We bought books and journals and it was the best thing ever! Then, we came home for poker. Snack food, friends, and gambling... generally a good night.

Saturday was spent relaxing. We played some WoW and went shopping. It is so nice to have clothes that fit! ALL of the maternity clothes will now be packed away. It is hard to get rid of them, so I suppose I will hold on to them for a while. I bought t-shirts, and dressy shirts, and size 4 jeans. That's right, SIZE 4! I am definitely feeling pretty good about that one. As soon as my tummy goes back to normal I will have my pre-mommy body back. WOOHOO! Hmmm. That was a bit of a digression. Anyhow, after shopping we went downtown to Bar de Nay and had a wonderful dinner and drinks (I really love the Basil Instinct). Saturday ended with movie watching and more WoW playing. All in all a top weekend.

In other news:
I have taken a leap of faith and decided to start doing things that would previously have caused me to panic and then promptly fall over dead. My security net is Rhett... (I bet that makes you feel REALLY nervous. heehee. Sorry, friend.) Look for more on this soon. For now I will just say that Thursday cannot come soon enough!

there once was a girl...

Today I get to write. Yipee! Josh is watching the kids; I'm skipping out on hanging out with my friends; and I am going to write. I have been feeling a little discouraged because it has been so long. Tonight is the night!

Also, Rhett has asked if I would try to write a comic strip. I have been completely absorbed in a few different web comics lately, and think I might give it a try. Of course, first I need him to help me decide on a concept. It could be fun though. Scripting a comic might be a nice reprieve from writing prose.

One o'clock. Nap time for the babies. WOOHOO! Mommy is totally taking a shower. Heehee.