because sleep eludes me...

I'm going to go off on a nonsensical rant now. If you think you have some deep insight into what I am talking about, you are probably wrong. However, it makes me giggle when people try, so knock yourselves out!

I drive a lot at night. Sometimes I am stupid and drive too late at night because my phone turns off and I don't hear my alarm or because I am just enjoying things too much to head home. The roads in Idaho are empty at night. Some people may find that offensive, I find it reassuring. There is still at least one place in the world where people sleep; life is like it was long ago. It isn't like living in a big cit. For instance, there was always traffic in L.A. Maybe it wasn't bad, bumper-to-bumper, maddening, stop-and-go traffic, but it was traffic nonetheless. I like that my city still slumbers. I like that I live in a state where the past still thrives. Mere hours from my house there are people living on ranches, there are hermits surviving in the wilderness, and there are people who would still rather catch their dinner from the river than buy it from a fast food joint. It's different here. We have our own way of life. It is solid and good and I would not want it any other way.

Lately I've grown weary. I've noticed that the more anger I sense around me, the heavier my soul gets. It is still beyond my comprehension how people can be so hurtful to each other. It is even more beyond my comprehension how they can call each other on it without noticing that they are doing the exact same things back and forth. I don't understand hate. I've had bad things happen around me. It isn't that I live in a perfect bubble. Trust me, I wish I did. I feel pain, anger, frustration, but I don't feel the need to take it out on people around me. I know my secret hurts. I know the pain that I feel that nobody else could even imagine existing. I also know that the person that is making me angry has their own secret weight-of-the-world type pain. I try so hard to be kind and to not be hateful. It is an uphill battle, but I do try my hardest. I don't understand not trying.

Perspective is a bitch, hardcore. There is so much pain that is greater than the hurts I feel. My life is significantly more fair than that of a lot of people. Most of the stress and irritation I feel, I brought on myself. However, I still feel the need to vent it occasionally. The problem is that when perspective comes swinging at me with an iron fist, I have to pause and stop myself. It could be worse. It could always be worse. This nagging annoyance is nothing compared to the gigantic weight of grief felt by those around me.

For the last time, I am not fourteen. It has been nearly 11 years since I was. In fact, I don't even remember anything specific about being that young. That's how long ago it was. I realize that I look younger than my (almost) 25 years. I truly do not have a problem with people assuming I am in college or that I just graduated from highschool. I find nothing offensive about that at all. However, when someone looks at me and thinks "She can't even drive!" I want do punch them. I've decided that I am going to wear a whorish amount of makeup from now on. I am going to wear 7 inch heals so that I am at a more "adult" height. I am also going to go have larger breasts surgically implanted. Why you may ask? Because these are the top three reasons I hear for people thinking I am young enough to have been born in the mid 90s. "Oh! But you are just so tiny!" "I just assumed you were younger since you aren't wearing make up." "Wow, I had bigger boobs than you when I was 12!" Dear world so bombarded with media images of what is average that you can't even see my forming crows feet or the fact that my face is more mature than that of a barely pubescent child, you can bite me. I have friends with 14 year old daughters. I've seen them up close... yeah, I don't look even close to that young.

Oh, and while I'm already annoyed: writing is a job for me. It may not make me any money yet, but it is my job. Call it a hobby, and I'll probably cry. I would threaten loss of friendship, but we all know I'm not capable of carrying through on such things.

Kids are a test of patience. Patience has never been my strong suit. Every day I feel like I'm running a gauntlet. I think I need to buy a new pair of noise canceling earphones, put Eddy Izzard on loop on my iPod, and just tune out the incessant whining that I can't seem to stop my kids from doing. I love them dearly, however, I wish they had more grown up manners.

If it is sunny tomorrow, I am going to do a jig on my patio.

I bought a green tank top for St. Paddy's day, but then I realized I am probably just working in the nursery and nobody will see it because I'll wear a sweatshirt over it so that it won't matter if a kid pulls on my shirt. Oh well, at least I'll know I'm wearing a super cute and festive something under my bulky sweatshirt! :)

(fingers crossed) I am going to check out a knitting group tomorrow for a half an hour or so. I'm so scared of strangers. Well, really, I'm scared of not strangers too. In fact, we'll go ahead and say that I'm really scared of most people. Maybe meeting an entire group of knitting ladies that I know online in person isn't really THAT much of a stretch after all.

The End

(P.S. I don't even want to know how many errors are in this post. Typing at 3 a.m. is not really that great for flawless writing...)

and then my heart hurt...

You know, sometimes people get completely out of hand when it comes to how they treat political issues. It's such a terrible cycle. Today, the mudslinging is toward those who disagree with our president addressing children directly in schools. It really is sad. People are being called things like "uneducated hicks" just because they differ in opinion from someone else. There is no purpose in name calling or mocking. It just doesn't make sense. There will always be differences in opinion between groups. That is just a fact. The important thing is how we deal with those differences. Calling people that disagree with you ignorant or uneducated just spreads hate and hard feelings. It would help situations like this greatly if people could step back and try to understand why the other side feels the way they do. After that, just drop it! It doesn't matter what CNN or Fox News is saying. If you don't like watching one or the other and hearing what "lies" they are spreading... don't watch it! All it does is cause hard feelings.

I know a lot of very well educated, non hick, very sweet, very loving, very non judgmental, conservatives. They are, in fact, some of the best people I know. It hurts me to hear them being called names by people that are the other best people I know.

I really don't take sides on this issue. I see both sides very clearly. That's why I think that having parents sign a permission slip to let their kids watch the address is a great way to deal with it.

The fact is, parents are allowed to feel however they want about the education of their kids. I can remember back when I was in elementary school. There was a very wealthy man that wanted to land his very large private plane at the McCall airport. People felt that it was too dangerous because the landing pattern went right over the school. Others thought that those people were just complaining because they didn't like the man in the plane. Some parents pulled their kids out of school for the day in protest, some parents let their kids go. It doesn't really matter who was right or who was wrong in the situation. The important thing is that those parents were allowed to choose what they felt was best for their kids in that situation.

Another example. In jr. high, dances were held during school hours. I was not allowed to go to school dances until I was 16. It was just a house rule that bothered the hell out of me but that my parents had made. For those dances, the school was required to have a permission slip from kids so that parents were still in control of what happened with their kids. It made it impossible for me to sneak into a school dance. However, it also meant that my parents, who were uncomfortable with their 13 year old daughter being at a school dance, were still able to make that choice for me and themselves.

The fact is, no matter how you feel, parents are still in control of their kids. You don't agree with them? Tough. The best thing that people can do is be loving, on both sides. Respect one another. You want people to see your side of an argument? Then be nice and respectfully hear what they have to say from the opposing side.

Okay. I'm done now. If you hate what I had to say, I'm sorry. But, the great thing is, I can feel the way I do without fear. (Well, if you know me, you know I'm actually terrified of writing stuff like this and that I could never actually say any of it to someone's face, but you know what I mean.)

nothing better to do...

My life today is a bit dull and I feel like writing. So, I decided to blog. A lot (see links throughout).

Summer is now turning to the point of sweltering. Outside is mostly unappealing and I miss the rain that was constant and beautiful a mere few weeks ago. The heat has gotten so dreadful that I am actually wearing shorts today. The likelihood is that I will still not allow myself outside of my house in such attire, but the fact that I am wearing them makes me feel like a bit of a rebel. It may be ridiculous to rebel against myself, but it is easier than rebelling against anything or anyone else.

Over the past few weeks I have realized that my kids are growing up and that I am desperate for that. I know that many of you will now comment on this telling me that I need to treasure every minute I have with them while they are young, but I enjoy watching them develop from babies into children. My head has recently realized that I was probably the least likely candidate for motherhood on the face of the planet when we had our kids, and that is pretty much still true. I don't really want anyone to respond to that. The fact of the matter is that none of you can know my head or heart and that you can only guess at what I am like. The truth is that it is damn hard for me to nurture and take care of my small children every minute of every day. I love them fiercely, but I fear that is not enough.

My brain often fails me. Lately, it has been being more insightful than I wish it would be. People all over imagine what it would be like to have super powers. They conjure images of themselves fighting crime and living forever. What would it be like to actually have a super power? Would you believe me if I said I had a few? No. Most likely not. It would be foolish for you to believe such a thing. It would be foolish for me as well.

It is amazing what time can do to change the views a person has on the world. I am becoming increasingly more neutral. I have a hard time believing that anyone is completely wrong for feeling a certain way on an issue. If you can give me a well thought out argument on anything, I will respect your opinion. I am baffled by those that believe that their way is the only way. How can it be that one thought process is any more valid than another? We were all given brains and we were all giving the ability to think. Our thoughts say a lot about us, but just because we disagree with what someone's thoughts say, that does not invalidate them. They are still people that believe in something. Believing solidly in anything takes so much faith in yourself and in the people around you. It takes faith in outside powers and also in the fact that you will not be mocked or ridiculed for the ideas you put forth. My ability to make decisions and express myself has been squelched by those that are willing to destroy the self-esteem and dreams of others simply because they believe differently.

I have been struggling lately with judging people around me. Daily I find that I must stop myself and remember that I am not better nor any more special than anyone else around me. I am simply a human being like everyone else. I have no more right to anything than anyone else. I'm trying my hardest to remain humble. However, is it wrong to want to feel wanted every now and then? Is it wrong to want to feel pretty and unique? Is it wrong to crave something to set me apart and have people take notice? I only want it on occasion, not always. Just every now and then I want to know that I am wanted in this world.**

My life has been fairly consumed recently by my reading and writing. My heart feels empty if my hands are not holding a book or a pen or a keyboard. Whenever I am sitting and spending time with words I also have music on. What would I do without that escape? Most likely I would explode into a giant black hole. It is frustrating that there is a nagging piece of my brain that tells me to stop. People take it wrong. They don't understand. Everything is so serious. Nothing can be written just as something that is being put on paper. It all must lead back to some inner turmoil in my soul. It just isn't true. It would be so amazing to set myself free from the careless views and theologies of everyone around me so that I could just put words out there without judgment.

That is all for now. I'm spending time with friends later, and then more friends even later than that. For most of the rest of my day I am going to be social... we'll see if it kills me or if I survive.

**(Mom, if you respond to this, so help me I am going to scream! I know that you and Jesus love me and find me to be all of these things and I appreciate that more than you can know... but that is just not what I am getting at right now.)

a letter to anonymous

To whom it may concern,

I am not better than you. However, recently you would have a hard time convincing my brain of that. I see you. I see the way you live. I see the things you do. There is no possible way I can approve.

Logic tells me that anyone can fall down and scrape their knees. There is no one that is immune to the possibility of utter failure. Small occurrences in ones life can cause somebody to change the direction they were heading. It does not take much for a person to become wounded and turn away from God's plan for them. My life could be where yours is. I have had hurts and failures that could have caused me to run from the grace of God. I see you doing just that. I wish you knew you could not run. He will always catch up with you. God's grace is free and it will hunt you down until you are willing to accept it and let him heal your broken and weary soul.

Conviction has been chasing me. There has been so much judgment in my heart. That judgment has been like a disease filling my head and causing me to sin. It is vital for me to show you grace. However, at this time, I am not sure how to do that... or even if I am able.

Even with the judgment pouring from my head and down into my heart, I want you to know that I feel for you. I hurt for you. I long for you to find your way out of the pit you have fallen into. I want you to know that it is possible, just as it is possible for me to find my way out of the pit of pride I have found myself in. We can both be healed from our diseases. We can both be blessed with God's grace and find ourselves living lives so wonderful that they are completely beyond our imaginations.

I will pray for you. I will also pray for me. I will try my best to keep my prayers for you pure and to keep honest intentions in my heart and head as I lift you up to our Father. I do love you. Please, know that.

With love,
Me

fragility...

Preface: My marriage is wonderful. There is no need to feel concerned or to write me comments about how you hope everything is okay with Josh and I. However, I do always accept prayer: I like my marriage, and I like my husband, and I would like that to last forever...

Marriage is fragile. My parents did a really good job making marriage seem invincible to me when I was a kid. I did not understand divorce or even think it was really all that possible. How things change. Life has jaded me. Now I know the truth.

When Josh and I were talking about getting married, I told him I was not sure how much I believed in the actual act of getting a marriage license and registering our love with the government. Uncle Sam says, "You are married! Happy tax deduction." That seems dumb. It was especially frustrating to me that I could decide to go back to the same office that we got our license and tell them, "Ummm, I'm not so much into this anymore. Mind just expunging this mistake from my life?" Pure craziness. In fact, utter madness!

There is a reason why God made marriage permanent. I'm not saying that I do not understand or empathize with people that have been through the agonizing and life changing experience of divorce. I understand that there are situations and extenuating circumstances that cannot be avoided. This is not what I am talking about, please understand. What I am saying is that I think it is too easy; it is too quick of a fix.

I look at my two and a half year marriage and notice that I have changed. I am now a mom of two, an almost college graduate, and far more grounded than I used to be. These are unavoidable changes; they are the changes that come from growing and aging. Everyone expects life to progress. The only way to avoid progression is death. However, what about the other changes? I have dark circles that rarely go away due to too many sleepless nights. I have larger hips and thighs as well as a strange looking post-baby stomach that I pray will someday go back to normal. I don't look the way I used to one hundred percent. I don't act the way I used to one hundred percent. I certainly don't believe the way I used to one hundred percent. All three of these things seem to be valid reasons to go fill out a form and leave ones family and current life in the dust.

Marriage is fragile, and it does not seem to get the respect that I think it deserves from our media and even from our churches (bold, I know).

I'm sorry for this post, but I've been needing to rant. I am tired. I am haggard. I am at a loss for what to do. How do you crusade for something that is not popular? I am so drained and sad. I wish I could stop time and save what seems to be, in a lot of situations at least, not savable.

this time last year...

I like to think back from time to time and ask myself, "What were you doing this time last year?" This might seem sentimental, but really it is just a good way to solve boredom for at least 10 minutes, and often more depending on how my mind rabbit trails off onto random tangents. This time last year was apparently not memorable... because I can't remember it. I have no idea what I was doing or thinking on the 4th of January in 2007. I wonder why that could be... It is possible that I was incredibly miserable and therefore avoiding society. Wait, yes... I believe that is exactly what was happening. Never mind. Speaking of tangents, can you believe that we have to pick a new president in November? I am way excited about how things in Iowa turned out... for both parties. This is crazy because last election I didn't like either party. Party... Oh! Jenna's party is on Monday! My little baby is almost a year old and no longer a baby. How sad! I can't believe it was almost a year ago that I had her. A year ago today I must have been pretty much hating life... hmmm...