Rantings of a semi-crazy blonde girl...

new and improved combined blog...

2010-04-10T15:29:00.003-06:00

So, I was keeping up way too many blogs and I decided to combine them and the best way to do that was to import my two main blogs to one wordpress blog. I hope you guys will still continue to read what I write, because it really does mean a lot to me to have such great readers. My new blog address is: http://krissyranae.wordpress.com. There you will find both my writing blog, my random whatever blog, and a brand new post! Thanks guys!

this is a very poorly composed paragraph...

2010-03-26T02:25:00.004-06:00

I do not like feeling like a whiner. Here is the truth: the last few weeks have not been the best for me. I'm stressed, tired, and I am constantly on the verge of a panic attack/melt down. Yes, I know what is causing it. No, there is nothing I can do (at the moment) to fix it. It is completely possible I may go crazy before the situation resolves. I have it pretty easy compared to most. However, there are times, when I just want to give up. Life is hard. I envy my friends with little responsibility and with choices. I have very few choices. At this point, my life is pretty much set out for me. I'm a parent, I'm married, and I will probably never do any of the things I wanted to do when I was younger. Soon I will be 25. Sure, to some of you this may seem young, but to me it feels ancient. I told a friend of mine that you had to add 5 years to your age for each kid, so really I was turning 35 and therefore justified in my irritation with the thought of my next birthday. It's not that I'm not happy, it's just that well, I pictured myself in a different place when I turned 25. I suppose that is what has me so bothered. This just isn't the life I thought I would be living right now.

(P.S. Comment at your own risk. I am not in a good mood these days and I may bite.)

a couple of lists...

2010-03-19T01:31:00.004-06:00

I am:
-up too late
-feeling completely overwhelmed
-entirely too emotional
-realizing that my current issues are all a product of the first item on this list
-feeling alone
-missing people that it doesn't help to miss

I am not:
-joining a cult
-eating gummy bears
-practicing proper sentence structures
-able to come up with an awesome new story line
-bungee jumping
-dodging bullets
-swimming across the English Channel
-lobbying... for anything
-fishing for carp

Right now I want:
-cookies
-a good cry
-to snuggle up in front of a fire with a book and some tea
-a paper to write
-classes to attend
-to find meaning
-a trip to McCall

Tomorrow I want:
-warmth
-sunshine
-happy kids
-time to knit
-time to smile
-people to like the comic

I'm thinking about:
-my sister
-crunching on ice
-pancakes
-the fact that cops find my car suspicious and will follow it for miles
-my freezing cold room
-friends

because sleep eludes me...

2010-03-16T02:46:00.004-06:00

I'm going to go off on a nonsensical rant now. If you think you have some deep insight into what I am talking about, you are probably wrong. However, it makes me giggle when people try, so knock yourselves out!

I drive a lot at night. Sometimes I am stupid and drive too late at night because my phone turns off and I don't hear my alarm or because I am just enjoying things too much to head home. The roads in Idaho are empty at night. Some people may find that offensive, I find it reassuring. There is still at least one place in the world where people sleep; life is like it was long ago. It isn't like living in a big cit. For instance, there was always traffic in L.A. Maybe it wasn't bad, bumper-to-bumper, maddening, stop-and-go traffic, but it was traffic nonetheless. I like that my city still slumbers. I like that I live in a state where the past still thrives. Mere hours from my house there are people living on ranches, there are hermits surviving in the wilderness, and there are people who would still rather catch their dinner from the river than buy it from a fast food joint. It's different here. We have our own way of life. It is solid and good and I would not want it any other way.

Lately I've grown weary. I've noticed that the more anger I sense around me, the heavier my soul gets. It is still beyond my comprehension how people can be so hurtful to each other. It is even more beyond my comprehension how they can call each other on it without noticing that they are doing the exact same things back and forth. I don't understand hate. I've had bad things happen around me. It isn't that I live in a perfect bubble. Trust me, I wish I did. I feel pain, anger, frustration, but I don't feel the need to take it out on people around me. I know my secret hurts. I know the pain that I feel that nobody else could even imagine existing. I also know that the person that is making me angry has their own secret weight-of-the-world type pain. I try so hard to be kind and to not be hateful. It is an uphill battle, but I do try my hardest. I don't understand not trying.

Perspective is a bitch, hardcore. There is so much pain that is greater than the hurts I feel. My life is significantly more fair than that of a lot of people. Most of the stress and irritation I feel, I brought on myself. However, I still feel the need to vent it occasionally. The problem is that when perspective comes swinging at me with an iron fist, I have to pause and stop myself. It could be worse. It could always be worse. This nagging annoyance is nothing compared to the gigantic weight of grief felt by those around me.

For the last time, I am not fourteen. It has been nearly 11 years since I was. In fact, I don't even remember anything specific about being that young. That's how long ago it was. I realize that I look younger than my (almost) 25 years. I truly do not have a problem with people assuming I am in college or that I just graduated from highschool. I find nothing offensive about that at all. However, when someone looks at me and thinks "She can't even drive!" I want do punch them. I've decided that I am going to wear a whorish amount of makeup from now on. I am going to wear 7 inch heals so that I am at a more "adult" height. I am also going to go have larger breasts surgically implanted. Why you may ask? Because these are the top three reasons I hear for people thinking I am young enough to have been born in the mid 90s. "Oh! But you are just so tiny!" "I just assumed you were younger since you aren't wearing make up." "Wow, I had bigger boobs than you when I was 12!" Dear world so bombarded with media images of what is average that you can't even see my forming crows feet or the fact that my face is more mature than that of a barely pubescent child, you can bite me. I have friends with 14 year old daughters. I've seen them up close... yeah, I don't look even close to that young.

Oh, and while I'm already annoyed: writing is a job for me. It may not make me any money yet, but it is my job. Call it a hobby, and I'll probably cry. I would threaten loss of friendship, but we all know I'm not capable of carrying through on such things.

Kids are a test of patience. Patience has never been my strong suit. Every day I feel like I'm running a gauntlet. I think I need to buy a new pair of noise canceling earphones, put Eddy Izzard on loop on my iPod, and just tune out the incessant whining that I can't seem to stop my kids from doing. I love them dearly, however, I wish they had more grown up manners.

If it is sunny tomorrow, I am going to do a jig on my patio.

I bought a green tank top for St. Paddy's day, but then I realized I am probably just working in the nursery and nobody will see it because I'll wear a sweatshirt over it so that it won't matter if a kid pulls on my shirt. Oh well, at least I'll know I'm wearing a super cute and festive something under my bulky sweatshirt! :)

(fingers crossed) I am going to check out a knitting group tomorrow for a half an hour or so. I'm so scared of strangers. Well, really, I'm scared of not strangers too. In fact, we'll go ahead and say that I'm really scared of most people. Maybe meeting an entire group of knitting ladies that I know online in person isn't really THAT much of a stretch after all.

The End

(P.S. I don't even want to know how many errors are in this post. Typing at 3 a.m. is not really that great for flawless writing...)

i'm not complaining, but...

2010-03-06T02:50:00.004-07:00

It kills me. It absolutely kills me to know that people I love feel hurt. It's impossible not to want to run in and fix them. In my head, I'm a superhero. The fact that I am completely inept at saving people... well, it makes me feel inadequate and feeble. I wish I were stronger, that I could rush out and take the pain, the fear, the frustration away. I wish I could be in more than one place at a time.

i'm fine-tuning my angry girl music pandora station...

2010-03-05T02:39:00.004-07:00

We made it through week one of having a comic come out three days a week. It's pretty sweet actually. I mean, so it doesn't make money, who cares? The fact is, I'm writing something that gets published on a weekly basis. Not only that, it's been published on a weekly basis for almost a year now. I love it! How many people can say that they are actually living out their dreams? It's a pretty cool thing to be able to claim.

On a related note: my book is taking forever to complete. Splitting writing time can be frustrating. There are days when I know I have to get a comic done, but what I really want to do is work on the other love in my life. I suppose it is how things go. I've never been super amazing at balance.

On an unrelated note: the weather recently has been killer on my joints. I noticed today when I was climbing some stairs that my feet are starting to really hurt again. It is a frustrating thing, not knowing what the heck is wrong with me. All I know is that I wish it was in my head because then I could just will it away. The only long term relief I have had since it started was pregnancy... and let's face it, that isn't happening again. (At least not for years and years.) For now it is pain killers and trying to ignore it as much as possible.

I suppose that I should try to find some sleep. Maybe tonight I'll have splendid dreams and wake up to sunshine.

guh... (that's ugh all mixed up)

2010-02-24T23:56:00.003-07:00

Oh how it has been a week for ugh.

Yesterday I got a call from a government collections agency. Apparently, Wells Fargo decided to say I had defaulted on one of my loans. I was confused. I had been working with them on deferment, but when a fax apparently didn't go through, they decided to just default instead of contacting me first. Granted, I probably should have called them to make sure they got the fax, but it was still a little shocking. After a few hours of crying on the phone to a complete stranger named Michelle (the lady assigned to my account at the agency), I calmed down a bit. She was really the nicest person I have talked to about loans since graduating. She gave me options and it turns out that one of those options is even better than never having defaulted. Sure, I currently have a rather nasty mark on my credit that looks the same as if I had filed for bankruptcy, but she assured me that as soon as my loan was rehabilitated it would be as if it never existed. The really good news? Everything should be back to normal (well, even better than normal) in a couple of months. I'm hoping it all goes as smoothly as Michelle told me it would, but I really do think she was telling me the truth. In a couple of weeks I should be well on my way to a brand new student loan and also to having my credit restored. Whew.

Jenna has been a pill all week. At least when Josh is gone. I feel like she has a little switch that turns to naughty when it is just the three of us, and to nice the minute she senses him in the vicinity. The booger has been hitting, pinching, pulling hair, name calling, and taking toys from Cole. I think she knows I'm tired. I still try to be consistent, but insomnia and parenting a 3 year old don't seem to mix very well. I'm going to start tomorrow with a new strategy I think. If she even comes close to being bad, it's time out time. I need to stop with the second chances. Punishing takes a lot of effort when you are fall down tired, but I think in the long run it will save me energy.

Finally, there was the scarf. I can't even talk about it. *sob* Wanna know? You can read about it here...

I'm going to out think the insomnia tonight. I've going to bore myself to death with a constant stream of House Hunters on Hulu. Hopefully it bores me into dreamland and becomes insta-cure for the constant stream of sleepless nights I've been combating recently.

project linus

2010-02-18T15:26:00.003-07:00

I don't know how many of you have heard of Project Linus, but it is a great organization. Most people wouldn't know about it unless they had been positively affected by it. When Cole was hospitalized as an infant, we were given a quilt from the Project Linus organization. I can't even tell you how much that meant to me. It's hard to be a parent watching your sick child be hooked up to machines and tested for different things. It is even harder feeling like it is your fault, like you could have somehow prevented it. Something as small as a blanket made by a stranger for your child can mean the world. I've decided to challenge myself to make several blankets for Project Linus this year. I know how much my heart warms when I see Cole's quilt, I'm hoping I can bring the same feelings to other parents and their kids. If you have the ability, I would like to challenge you to find your local chapter and make at least one blanket for them, if you don't have a local chapter, I'm sure that mine would be more than happy to receive your donation. :)

...

2010-02-18T13:16:00.003-07:00

Sometimes I am just sad. Today, I'm sad. Yesterday, I was sad. I wish I knew why. It's a weird contradiction, because part of me is happier than usual. I think part of it is that I feel lonely lately. Being a stay at home mom is very isolating. Being a mom period is isolating. I get out and see people, it's true, but I have to fight against the fact that staying at home all day by myself makes me feel like I never want to see people. Part of me would be just as content to hide away all the time but, since I want to avoid becoming completely agoraphobic, I force myself to leave my house.

I don't want to drive to Boise by myself tonight. I don't want to sit in a coffee shop and write. I do want to go to bed at 6 and watch the Olympics and eat takeout. I want really good burgers and fries and I want to be by myself and just mope. Of course, this isn't a healthy idea. A better idea would be to go to Boise anyway, but I may take a sick day. Josh is going out with Drew, so I could really have alone time. Now, the question, do I stay at home and mope? Or do I do the healthy thing and leave? Right now I'm thinking the lonely thing. I like me the Olympics and I like me the burgers and fries and sometimes I feel like I just need to hide out.

I have a few projects I'm working on right now for the Ravelympics. I'm making a couple of BSU scarves that a friend ordered, and I'm working on something for me too. I came across this pattern online and realized I had the perfect yarn in my stash to make it. I enjoy knitting as much as I enjoy crocheting, and right now I'm really enjoying the fact that I'm learning new things. Figuring out a new stitch makes me very happy. I'll probably include some crocheting or knitting into my alone time tonight.

Oh! And cake. I think I need cake...

gripe, grumble, gripe...

2010-02-11T04:08:00.003-07:00

Yep. It's 4 am and I am not sleeping. It seems that the insomnia bug has once again started chomping away at my sanity. Stupid little insect. Boo! I want sleep.

grumble, grumble, NNU, grumble...

2010-01-27T09:50:00.003-07:00

Every government institution insists on viewing me with my husband. It's like glob tag in elementary school. We got married, and then we were one glob, so sayeth the United States of America. I have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is inconsistency. To qualify for food stamps they look at my income along side of Josh's. If we (together) make less than a certain amount, we get aid. To get a student loan deferment they look at my income, alone. The problem with that? I don't have an income. Apparently, I make too little for them to consider me for deferment. *Growl* I can't make any more, Jerkfaces! I have kids that I can't afford to put into daycare. I'm a stay at home mom. (That is not on their list to consider for deferment.) Nope. I have to make a certain amount of money. I have to have a job. The funny thing is that if I were on food stamps, I would automatically qualify. It sucks that because I feel like I should not take advantage of government systems that I don't really need, I get punished. Me being on food stamps could take them away from someone that really can't afford their food. I don't care why that person can't afford food, people should eat. I can buy my groceries, therefore, I refuse to apply for food stamps. However, even if I were to apply they would guage me as a dual income, something that they won't do when it comes to deferring student loans. That just seems somehow wrong. Stupid double standard crap.

please note there is sarcasm in this post... no hate mail... i love you kids...

2010-01-20T17:38:00.003-07:00

I cannot stress enough how much I love the fact that the boys I hang out with make me feel like less of a nerd. Thank goodness that they sit around and talk about how to write computer programs and and put computers together. Also, so glad that they take gaming seriously enough that they fill out gear spreadsheets and read forums on how to improve their game play. If it was not for these amazing guys, I would most certainly be completely embarrassed by the extent of my own nerdiness.

I have known for some time that I could no longer try and pretend that I don't deserve the title of nerd. Last night at dinner I made an offhand comment about how I wanted to learn PHP and I knew it was over. (Mom, PHP is a computer language.) I could try and pretend that having two level 80 WoW characters and another one fast on its way, meant nothing. I could also attempt to tell myself that writing a web comic only meant that I was a writer desperate to have my words out there for people to read. Maybe the fact that the book I am writing could possibly be defined by the genre "Sci-Fi" meant that I was privy to information about the nerd world, but nothing more. However, the minute I admitted to a table full of programmers that I wanted to learn how to write script other than html, I was sunk.

That is why I am completely thankful that the crowd of boys that I call some of my closest friends are getting ready to meet and play Dungeons and Dragons in order to celebrate some holiday that celebrates dragons. That makes me supremely and awesomely satisfied with my life. Silly kids and their larping. (Thank goodness I had to work tonight and had a decent excuse to not go... phew... instead, I will head off to play with kids and finish crocheting my fingerless gloves while listening to JoCo on my iPod Touch.)

Oh! And can I please have an award for the most nerdy wikipedia hyperlinks in a blog... please?

an excuse to buy more...

2010-01-15T13:09:00.004-07:00

I went to the Brandi Carlile concert a couple days ago with Beth. It was such a good time. Brandi puts on an amazing concert, so much energy through the whole thing. Her opening act was very good. Her name is Katie Herzig and I think I may be a little bit in love with her. Her voice was awesome, and her songs were really good. I spent a good chunk of time listening to her stuff on youtube when I got home.

I'm going to have to take at least a little bit of a break from playing games on my DS and compy. They may be a lot of fun, but right now I need to work on some crochet projects. On top of that, my friend Brandi told me about the Ravelympics which is pretty much a challenge to concentrate on a project during the Winter Olympics and finish it during that time. I'm trying to decide on what I want to work on. I really want to make this dress in a much shorter version (think long, tunic-style, tank top), without the beads, and in a darker color (probably grey), but I'm not sure I'm quite ready for that yet. I know whatever I do, I want to make it a knitting project because that is going to be the biggest challenge. Anyhow, I'm on a pattern hunt. We will see what I come up with. I will probably put project updates on my other blog, but I haven't decided for sure yet.

Okay, it's time for me to go get to work. I need to get started on an ele and a giraffe for a friend's 3 year old!

no... just, no...

2010-01-11T17:15:00.003-07:00

I am not pregnant. Nor should it be assumed that because I am married and have two kids that good news automatically means that I am. You know, I have a life, and a rather good one, outside of my kids. There are also a whole plethora of other things I enjoy doing or that I would love to have happen that I would scream from the rooftops as good news.

Here is a list of things I would be excited about:
1: Being a published author.
2: Having a super popular web comic.
3: Making a decent amount off of my crochet projects.
4: Finding a new place to live.
5: Finding out good news about one of my friends.
6: Getting to go yarn shopping.
7: Driving again.

Here is a list of things I would not be excited about:
1: Finding out I was pregnant.
2: Waking up and having to shovel snow.
3: Falling off of a ladder.
4: Spending more time cooped up in my house with the inability to leave.
5: Cleaning the office.

Okay. I hope that clears a few things up for people. I know I feel better after a good long rant.

The end.

more of the usual...

2010-01-08T00:04:00.003-07:00

It has most likely been too long since I last posted. Holidays make life busy.

I got new DS games for Christmas! The Professor Layton game I had demanded Josh get me was nestled sweetly in my stocking where it was supposed to be. The puzzles are fun. The story isn't as good as the first one I don't think, but that is okay, I play them for the puzzles anyway. the other game I got was a Sherlock Holmes game. I am excited to check it out, but right now Prof. Layton is consuming my DS attention.

On an even nerdier note, I have been spending entirely too much time leveling alts on WoW. Silly addictive game. My Paladin is now a 73 and I have a hunter up to 47. I'm sure that they will both eventually reach level cap and join my other two 80s. This may make me completely pathetic, but I really don't care. I find plenty of time for my family and other hobbies as well.

Knitting is a new hobby taking up a lot of my attention. I've discovered that since I started knitting I have found time to make projects for myself. I don't know if I could knit for others, it takes too much time. Crocheting is easier to part with for some reason. I've been posting my projects on a different blog so that this one wasn't swallowed up by all of the things I have been making. It's great to have something to keep my hands busy. It's also great to make a little extra money from something that I enjoy.

My book is feeling neglected. I suppose that holidays suck up a lot of time, but I still feel bad for not working on it like I would like to. It is coming along. I like my plot and I like where I am going to be able to take it. I thought about giving myself a word cap, and then I changed my mind. I don't want to limit where it could go, or extend it beyond where it should. Maybe I will just give myself a time cap. I'd like to have it done and ready for editing by the end of the year.

Comic. Oh, the comic. Sweet time-suck of frustration and awesome. It is getting better I think. The art is progressing and the writing is starting to look and sound like actual comic writing. I hope that the people that read it are getting enjoyment from it, and I hope that this new year brings even more readers.

In other news, I have a three year old now. I'm old. See her blog for more details. I also have the sweetest 1 1/2 year old on the planet. He is such a monkey and he makes me smile daily. See his blog for more details. (I have such a terrible blog addiction, it isn't even funny, I wonder if they have special therapists for that...)

I think that's about it. I won't bore you all with any more details of my life. Things are busy, hectic, crazy, obnoxious, and messy. However, they are also wonderful. With the bad comes good, and sometimes we wouldn't find the things that are making us deliriously happy without going down the painful roads. I hope you are all having a wonderful new year so far and that it continues to be so. Happy January!

are you kidding me...

2009-12-18T02:41:00.002-07:00

Dear Cher,
Please get your songs out of my head. I would like to sleep. "If I Could Turn Back Time" and "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves" are not my idea of lullabies.
Thanks,
Krissy

(Seriously, where did these even come from? My subconscious is random and hates me.)

it's almost christmas...

2009-12-17T12:54:00.006-07:00

It's almost Christmas and I should be more excited. The holidays are stressful. I have a few more orders to get done, but they should be fairly quick. I also have a few presents to get done for my family. I'm actually looking forward to wrapping presents. I think it's fun. I like making boxes look pretty under the tree.

Due to the fact that annoying things are attracted to me, I lost my license for driving without insurance. It's going to take forever to get it back. It makes me so ridiculously upset that I didn't do something fun to get in trouble. No I followed all of the traffic laws and got pulled over for something the cop admitted I didn't do and got a ticket for something that I wasn't aware of. I mean, if I'm going to get in trouble, I want to do something rebellious and sinister. That would make it feel a little better, right? Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe I just don't like getting in trouble.

The week after Christmas Josh is going hunting and the kids are going to go stay with his mom for a day (maybe two). I'm hoping to find a hotel room that I can afford in Boise so that when I get a break I can at least do something. I have this fear that I'm going to end up without a license and stuck in my house. I would rather be stuck in Boise and close to coffee and a movie theater.

The comic seems to be doing pretty well. We've been putting it up for 6 months now and we haven't lost any of our readers. I think that is a pretty darn good start. By this point I figure the people that were reading it to be nice would be done with it if they didn't like it. I'm still enjoying writing it and I have all kinds of story ideas. I suppose that is an excellent place to be.

A few weeks ago I started a new blog. I've been selling a few of my toys and things. It's keeping me busy and I enjoy feeling like I am actually doing something with my time. I pretty much suck at the whole stay at home mom thing. I'm not a fan of cooking and cleaning and sitting all day with a smile on my face waiting for my husband to come home. I really, really wish I was. If I could transform myself into Donna Reed I would be tempted, but since I can't, having a hobby has really helped.

Speaking of hobbies, my book has been going pretty well. I work on it when I can, and it keeps me feeling like I'm using my brain. That is a very good thing because occasionally I feel like my brain may be turning into complete mush.

I think it's time to wrap a few presents now. It would be good to do it while the kids are napping.

so irritated...

2009-11-29T00:52:00.003-07:00

Disclaimer: This is an angry letter to the world, if you don't feel you are part of the problem, then you shouldn't take it personally. If you know you are part of the problem, you are welcome to take offense. It seems like I have been hearing a lot of the same complaint lately. All I have to say is that people are downright mean.

Dear World,

It is absolutely not okay to treat people like you can apologize to them later. It is a completely ridiculous notion that you will always have a chance to say that you are sorry, and that when you do, it should make everything better. It really doesn't matter what your problems are. I am sorry, but it's a fact. When you go out and, because of your stress, pulverize the feelings of someone else, you can never fix it. I'm sorry that your life hurts you. That, is a shame. However, it is silly to assume that you are the only one feeling stress, pain, grief, or like you aren't getting your fair share. That person you just yelled at, had those same feelings, and now they are feeling just a bit lower. You should be nicer to the people you call your friends, before you damage one of them to the point where they jump off a cliff.

The End

sleepy text from josh...

2009-11-23T15:23:00.001-07:00

"I will continue my efforts to pass into the world of dreams. Wish me luck, for I enter unarmed and hesitant of the wonders this land contains."

sky, house, bird, sky, house, bird...

2009-11-15T23:37:00.003-07:00

Get it? It's a pattern, which is what I seem to be developing again. When my brain gets too overloaded, I stop sleeping. I really don't mean to, I just can't calm it down enough to close my eyes. I suppose it isn't really a big deal. I don't need much sleep to wake up and feel rested the next day. Maybe that's on purpose. At least my brain and body agree with each other or I would be a zombie most days.

I've been missing my grandma a lot lately. She was a beautiful lady. I'm so blessed that I got to live in the same house as her for so many years and that we got to be such good friends. She made the best stuffed animals. I have several still. The other day I went into Jenna's room and found one of them. I held it close and remembered what it was like to give her a hug. I really think she would get a kick out of me making animals for other people. They aren't nearly what hers were, but they come from the same place in my heart.

I've never been very good at losing people. I just don't handle it well. Even with all of the practice I have had, it never gets easier.

It's too late for me to be talking about something this deep. Time for Pandora to hopefully help me find some sleep. Time for lullabies via the A Fine Frenzy station... starting with Coldplay it would seem.

penny for a thought...

2009-11-15T02:53:00.003-07:00

It seems that my life has reached the stress out point once again. I'm not really sure why, but for whatever reason, I am feeling overwhelmed. My solution this go of it seems to be playing more WoW. Today I got my paladin Penelope to 60 which really means nothing except for the fact that I am one step closer to having my 3rd character at max level.

Halloween came and went and I didn't blog about it at all. It seems strange to me because I spent hours making all of our costumes. Jenna wanted to be Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and she wanted Cole to be The Itsy Bitsy Spider. So, Josh and I decided to be nursery rhymes as well. He was Old King Cole and I was The Cat and The Fiddle. My kids were pretty darn adorable. I think I made a pretty cute kitty as well.

The comic seems to be doing okay. I'm working on new story lines and trying to weave more of a plot line through the whole thing. There are always set backs for me. I have so little faith in myself and any talent I may (or may not) have. It makes it hard when critics start in on it. Rhett has been getting a lot of praise for his art progression, and rightfully so. My writing seems to just get constantly criticized. It's really frustrating, but something I know I need to get used to.

Crocheting has been a big stress relief for me recently. If you are at all interested in what I make, you can check out my new blog (we're not going to talk about the huge blogging problem I have) Cuddle Zoo (thanks Brandi for the name).

Yeah. I'm done typing now. I'm going to go back to watching Twilight ridiculously early in the morning and leveling Penny some more. My brain isn't feeling so hot tonight... so I figure distracting it is the right move at the moment.

if there is interest...

2009-11-11T11:44:00.006-07:00

I've been having a lot of fun making toys for my kids and getting things started for Christmas. That being said, I can't keep making things just for my kids or they are going to have a barrel full of crocheted toys. So, I am thinking about doing some commissioned work.

I think the best way for my sanity is to do a first come first serve kind of thing. If you are interested in some pretty cute, squishy, home made toys for Christmas, upcoming birthdays or baby showers, let me know! We can talk about what you are wanting and cost on the project.

Let me know if you are interested.

Here are a few things I have been working on lately:

looking towards christmas...

2009-11-04T16:03:00.013-07:00

I'm guessing that we will have as little money this Christmas as we have every Christmas. So, I've been looking online for patterns to make some crochet type gifts. So far, these are the finalists (all from the lion brand web site).

For Cole:

For Jenna:

And if I have time, I'd like to pull out a couple of these:
(from www.berroco.com)

pop goes the weasel (or my head)...

2009-10-12T10:32:00.004-06:00

Warning: This is me going stark raving mad.

Let me tell you a little something about me. I am happy with the way I look. (At least mostly.) I am not, however, happy with feeling like I have to be upset with myself because that is what girls do. It is harder for me to gain weight than lose it. Why do I have to apologize for that? I still get excited when I fit into an old pair of jeans that haven't fit me since I had my kids. I don't want to be skinnier, but I do enjoy that I am back to my pre-baby size. It is frustrating to me that I get scowled at for being the way I am. You know what? I can't really help it, and it sucks to feel guilty over something so trivial. Why is it that because I am small I can't be excited about weight loss? It is a fact that after I had my kids I was over weight for my height. Not a lot, but enough. 160 pounds is too much for me and my petite frame whereas it is the perfect weight for a lot of lovely people I know. A size 8 looks a lot bigger on me than on your average person. It sucks that people get mad at me for wanting to not be a size 8! Every other girl on the planet is allowed to improve on the way they look and be excited about it. I want to as well! So...

This is me being excited! I put on an old favorite pair of jeans last week. They hadn't fit me since I got pregnant with Jenna, and I had just about decided that they would never fit me again. I was really okay with that, however, they fit! And I'm happy! Yay!

Next item of irritation. I am not too young to be a mom. Okay? 24 is a great age to have kids. I totally respect the decision that some people make to wait to have kids, I wish that those people would respect the fact that I am a perfectly capable adult. I am not a child. Sorry, just because someone is 5 to 10 years older than me it does not mean they are more qualified to be a parent of a child the same age as mine. Now, if you have had toddlers before and your kids are now grown, I welcome advice... this is a totally different situation.

Usually my "Why can't we all get along?" speeches are about politics. However, I want to give a quick one about parenting. I think that I am a good parent, but the more other people tell me that what they are doing is better or that they feel like there is something wrong with one or both of my kids, the more I doubt. It really shouldn't matter who home schools or who does the public school bit. It also shouldn't matter what kid was walking first, who only does organic food, who chooses to cloth diaper, or uses preschool to help keep their sanity. You know, we can all be good parents and make different choices in those areas. We can all get along and recognize that there are different methods of parenting that all work equally as well. Can't we? Maybe not. But, here's the thing, I am so tired of losing confidence and feeling bad about myself because other people are too critical.

Sorry for the explosion, but I promise that it is better for me to blog it than to let it bottle until it explodes into a volcano of me feeling inferior and hiding in my closet while yelling and crying at no one. (Yeah, I can get that crazy.)

busy and such but that's okay...

2009-09-24T12:26:00.002-06:00

Hello, my life is busy and I'm running out of time to be bored. That, is a very good thing.

First, I am once again working in the nursery twice a week. It seems that the 5ish month break that I took was enough to make me want to go back. It is crazy to me that I have worked there for 6 years. The babies that I started with are in first grade this year. The kids in the oldest room that I started with are in third grade. How crazy! Seeing them walking around and being big kids is strange and makes me feel very old.

The comic is going well. At least I think it is. My little trip to Vegas inspired me with a story line that I have been quite pleased with. Characters are developing and people are responding and it is quite nice. For a while I was feeling a bit discouraged about the whole thing, but it seems I got over myself and am now okay with the fact that only a few people might ever enjoy it. I've decided that as long as someone is reading it and laughing that I am perfectly okay with that.

There are a hundred little things occupying my time and I like them. I finally convinced Josh that we should move to Boise. I've been looking for a place that we can afford that is big enough for us and that allows dogs. Tuesdays and Thursdays I drive to Boise to do comic stuff and to work on my own writing and just to see friends. It is also possible that I spend entirely too much time playing WoW and games on my DS. I figure whatever gets me though my day with some of my sanity is 100% time well spent.

Family stress is getting to me these days and I figure I will blog about it later, but I just don't have it in me today... at least not at this very moment. Maybe later.

and then my heart hurt...

2009-09-08T10:04:00.003-06:00

You know, sometimes people get completely out of hand when it comes to how they treat political issues. It's such a terrible cycle. Today, the mudslinging is toward those who disagree with our president addressing children directly in schools. It really is sad. People are being called things like "uneducated hicks" just because they differ in opinion from someone else. There is no purpose in name calling or mocking. It just doesn't make sense. There will always be differences in opinion between groups. That is just a fact. The important thing is how we deal with those differences. Calling people that disagree with you ignorant or uneducated just spreads hate and hard feelings. It would help situations like this greatly if people could step back and try to understand why the other side feels the way they do. After that, just drop it! It doesn't matter what CNN or Fox News is saying. If you don't like watching one or the other and hearing what "lies" they are spreading... don't watch it! All it does is cause hard feelings.

I know a lot of very well educated, non hick, very sweet, very loving, very non judgmental, conservatives. They are, in fact, some of the best people I know. It hurts me to hear them being called names by people that are the other best people I know.

I really don't take sides on this issue. I see both sides very clearly. That's why I think that having parents sign a permission slip to let their kids watch the address is a great way to deal with it.

The fact is, parents are allowed to feel however they want about the education of their kids. I can remember back when I was in elementary school. There was a very wealthy man that wanted to land his very large private plane at the McCall airport. People felt that it was too dangerous because the landing pattern went right over the school. Others thought that those people were just complaining because they didn't like the man in the plane. Some parents pulled their kids out of school for the day in protest, some parents let their kids go. It doesn't really matter who was right or who was wrong in the situation. The important thing is that those parents were allowed to choose what they felt was best for their kids in that situation.

Another example. In jr. high, dances were held during school hours. I was not allowed to go to school dances until I was 16. It was just a house rule that bothered the hell out of me but that my parents had made. For those dances, the school was required to have a permission slip from kids so that parents were still in control of what happened with their kids. It made it impossible for me to sneak into a school dance. However, it also meant that my parents, who were uncomfortable with their 13 year old daughter being at a school dance, were still able to make that choice for me and themselves.

The fact is, no matter how you feel, parents are still in control of their kids. You don't agree with them? Tough. The best thing that people can do is be loving, on both sides. Respect one another. You want people to see your side of an argument? Then be nice and respectfully hear what they have to say from the opposing side.

Okay. I'm done now. If you hate what I had to say, I'm sorry. But, the great thing is, I can feel the way I do without fear. (Well, if you know me, you know I'm actually terrified of writing stuff like this and that I could never actually say any of it to someone's face, but you know what I mean.)

what happens in vegas: part 2... (aka: Lola and Tina finish their trip)

2009-09-06T23:46:00.005-06:00

After our first night out on the town, we decided to get up and spend the day in the pool. We put on a good deal of sunscreen and jumped into the pool hoping that our VERY white skin did not burn. (I'm happy to say that, for the most part, it didn't.) I know you are probably extremely jealous of us relaxing in such amazingly warm water in perfect weather, but don't be. It was freaking HOT! The water felt great, but the sun was intense. We had to do our swimming/sunbathing in shifts while reapplying sunscreen in between. I mean, yes, it was still heavenly, but I'm trying to lessen the blow of how great it was just a bit.

After we got out of the pool, we spent more time taking pictures... mostly because that is what we do. If you put Lola and I in a room together, we will eventually start clicking away on one of our cameras.

That evening, Heidi made an amazing stir fry. After dinner and a lot of re-hydration, we were taken to the mega church that Heidi's dad and step-mom go to. It was huge and uncomfortable to me. I can appreciate what they are doing, but I don't think it is a place that I could ever find a home. It felt commercial and foreign and made me want the tiny little church where I grew up.

After a healthy dose of church, we hit the strip. (You know, maybe that was the plan all along! Maybe they were trying to keep us on the straight and narrow by giving us church guilt before we went out to party.) Anyhow, we made a quick stop at the Las Vegas sign to get a couple of pictures and then headed down Las Vegas Blvd. toward the Venetian where we were going to start our evening. It took us getting out of the elevator and walking down a hall before a drunken guy started yelling at us to come do jello shots with him. We kept walking. The minute we left the first hotel, we were asked by a couple more guys where we were going to party. We kept walking. Seriously, neither of us are very good at that sort of thing. Talking to strange drunk guys, that is. But we still had fun... and took more pictures.

Toward the end of our very long, super fun, sweltering, but amazing evening we ended up at New York, New York and found Coyote Ugly. We, of course, had to go. They were doing free shots for ladies who would dance on the bar. You would never catch me dead doing such a thing, but there was a bachelorette party that jumped up and seemed to have a great time. We needed a picture of us at such a landmark, and so we took one.

The night was long, and we were out late, and we had to get up for a REALLY early flight. After the first leg of our trip, we had a layover in Salt Lake. The airport was boring and we were cranky and tired, so we took naps. After we woke up, we complained a bit about how long our layover was on Twitter and Facebook, and then we eventually got to board. The flight between Salt Lake City and Boise is ridiculously short and somehow we were even way ahead of schedule. It made for a nice last leg of our trip.

mommy needs a hobby...

2009-09-01T14:12:00.002-06:00

I meant to get up the second part of my Vegas trip before I blogged anything else, but I didn't. So, I will edit pictures and do that later, but right now I am going to blog about other things.

Today I realized, once again, how badly I need to find myself a good hobby. Somehow I managed to get up before my kids and shower. I also did a good chunk of the other things I usually do when they nap. So, when they went to sleep, I had nothing to do. The WoW servers were (and still are) down for maintenance, and so there was no death knight leveling on the agenda. What the heck am I supposed to do with myself in such situations? I watched the season premier of The Guild and episode three of The Legend of Neil (both very good by the way) and then I randomly clicked through youtube videos for a while... But now, I am bored.

I need to finish the story line I am on for the comic. I also need to stop trying to write them ahead of time. I had one all worked out a few weeks back, but now it just isn't going to work. At least not anytime soon. I'm enjoying Lola too much and she isn't really involved in the one I already wrote. I need to get the script for Thursday finished, like now, but I am just tripping over the punchline. It's so frustrating!

The new Professor Layton game is out for the DS and I need it (okay, just want it). If I had that, I would have wonderful puzzles to baffle my brain for hours and hours and it would be fantastic! I start working at the church again next week, and I'm hoping to use some of that paycheck to get the game. But, I'm also hoping that maybe I can get it now and just put my paycheck in the bank later when I get it.

Okay, I think that's enough of my rant. I need to get some food soon and so I am going to go dig through the fridge. I let Jenna "make" my lunch which means I had apple juice and a yogurt. Both were very tasty, but not very filling. I need carbs. Yummmmm....

what happens in vegas... (aka: Lola and Tina take a trip)

2009-08-29T03:15:00.008-06:00

Lola and I got into Las Vegas yesterday evening. We had been bored on a plane for hours, and were starving, so our first stop was In-N-Out. It was yummy.

After we got done eating, we drove to Heidi's dad's house and got settled in. Then we decided it was time for a late night swim... it was pretty much fantastic. After we got out of the pool/spa, we had some "ice cream" and then it was bed time.

Today we got up late and lounged around the pool.

After we finally got ready, we went to Starbucks for some much needed caffeine, and then we were off to the mall (but really just H&M). Most people blow all their money gambling on the strip, but our money never made it there...

After we got done shopping, we went back to the house to change and get ready for the Bellagio and O. Both of these things, I was very excited for. The Bellagio has been beckoning to me for quite some time, and I was pretty eager to finally go meet it and let it know how much I had been wanting to get acquainted. It was definitely worth the wait.

Inside, O was amazing. We had terrific seats! Literally, there are not words that could describe just how great it was. The theater was breathtaking and the show had me completely enraptured throughout.

Outside, the strip was humming. I love how cities can be so alive! The fountain show was exactly how I had imagined it, complete with the perfect song.

Tomorrow we are heading back down to the strip to do some more exploring... That is, after we get up late, spend some time in the pool, and get ourselves ready.

oh, the summer is gone...

2009-08-27T00:47:00.003-06:00

Getting ready to flee this city to a different city. It seems like forever since the last time that Lola and I ran away for a hastily planned trip. It's super exciting, and I can't wait! It's funny, I always plan these escapes ready to get away for a bit, but when it comes right down to it, I dread leaving my kids. I'm going to miss them. They, will probably not miss me. They will be very busy and having a very good time.

Life has been so busy this summer that I've forgotten most of it. It almost feels like we didn't do anything, but the truth is, we were so busy that I barely had time to think.

The comic is going well. I'm enjoying it and am starting to feel the characters take on their own personalities. It's funny how that happens. It's like they exist outside of me, even though I created them. They have full control of where the scripts go now.

My latest trial has been trying to stay grounded. I know what I believe and how I want to view the world and how I want the world to view me. I get frustrated when I catch myself thinking negatively or living in the past. I also get frustrated when those little nagging comments start to come to the surface again. I know there are people out there that think they could do better than I am doing with my life. (I say "I know" because they tell me.) Honestly, I'm sure that by their standards, they could. The problem is that I am happy with how I have chosen to live and with the general direction my life is going. It's true that I make mistakes, but I just can't regret any of them. Why regret things? Why spend so much time feeling down on yourself that you forget how to be happy? Forget how to smile? I just don't get it. I'm continuing on quest to not judge those around me and to forgive, but sometimes, people just make it hard. Seriously, ridiculously, hard.

I should think about sleeping now. Lots to get done before I leave tomorrow! (Well, technically today.)

my week...

2009-07-25T22:35:00.004-06:00

Pictures taken.
Laughed at the M.
Andrea LAN party raid.
Comic up.
Friends are great.
Picked up kids.
Perfect evening.
Comic up.
Unexpected comfort.
Friend in town.
Drop off kids and Josh.
Wonderful birthday party for friends.
More vodka than expected in drink.
True Blood.
Slept on couch.
Perfect dreams.
Swimming pool.
Burgers.
Failed nap.
Played with clay.
Wrote a blog.
Harry Potter tomorrow.

boys...

2009-07-13T00:37:00.000-06:00

...gross...

end scene.

some friendly friend type promotions...

2009-07-08T22:03:00.003-06:00

My friend Sarah is super talented at making things that I cannot. (Especially uber adorable baby clothes!) She has a new blog about the things she makes...
http://likestomakethings.blogspot.com
Just thought I would promote it a bit for her. :) Hope you all enjoy it!

On the subject of promoting my talented friends... This is a link to my friend Krista's online shop. She is also uber amazing when it comes to making adorable baby clothes and such.
http://hyenacart.com/thefancypansy

Oh! And another quick plug for Heidi and her amazing photography: http://www.heidijahnphotography.blogspot.com

nothing better to do...

2009-07-07T14:13:00.003-06:00

My life today is a bit dull and I feel like writing. So, I decided to blog. A lot (see links throughout).

Summer is now turning to the point of sweltering. Outside is mostly unappealing and I miss the rain that was constant and beautiful a mere few weeks ago. The heat has gotten so dreadful that I am actually wearing shorts today. The likelihood is that I will still not allow myself outside of my house in such attire, but the fact that I am wearing them makes me feel like a bit of a rebel. It may be ridiculous to rebel against myself, but it is easier than rebelling against anything or anyone else.

Over the past few weeks I have realized that my kids are growing up and that I am desperate for that. I know that many of you will now comment on this telling me that I need to treasure every minute I have with them while they are young, but I enjoy watching them develop from babies into children. My head has recently realized that I was probably the least likely candidate for motherhood on the face of the planet when we had our kids, and that is pretty much still true. I don't really want anyone to respond to that. The fact of the matter is that none of you can know my head or heart and that you can only guess at what I am like. The truth is that it is damn hard for me to nurture and take care of my small children every minute of every day. I love them fiercely, but I fear that is not enough.

My brain often fails me. Lately, it has been being more insightful than I wish it would be. People all over imagine what it would be like to have super powers. They conjure images of themselves fighting crime and living forever. What would it be like to actually have a super power? Would you believe me if I said I had a few? No. Most likely not. It would be foolish for you to believe such a thing. It would be foolish for me as well.

It is amazing what time can do to change the views a person has on the world. I am becoming increasingly more neutral. I have a hard time believing that anyone is completely wrong for feeling a certain way on an issue. If you can give me a well thought out argument on anything, I will respect your opinion. I am baffled by those that believe that their way is the only way. How can it be that one thought process is any more valid than another? We were all given brains and we were all giving the ability to think. Our thoughts say a lot about us, but just because we disagree with what someone's thoughts say, that does not invalidate them. They are still people that believe in something. Believing solidly in anything takes so much faith in yourself and in the people around you. It takes faith in outside powers and also in the fact that you will not be mocked or ridiculed for the ideas you put forth. My ability to make decisions and express myself has been squelched by those that are willing to destroy the self-esteem and dreams of others simply because they believe differently.

I have been struggling lately with judging people around me. Daily I find that I must stop myself and remember that I am not better nor any more special than anyone else around me. I am simply a human being like everyone else. I have no more right to anything than anyone else. I'm trying my hardest to remain humble. However, is it wrong to want to feel wanted every now and then? Is it wrong to want to feel pretty and unique? Is it wrong to crave something to set me apart and have people take notice? I only want it on occasion, not always. Just every now and then I want to know that I am wanted in this world.**

My life has been fairly consumed recently by my reading and writing. My heart feels empty if my hands are not holding a book or a pen or a keyboard. Whenever I am sitting and spending time with words I also have music on. What would I do without that escape? Most likely I would explode into a giant black hole. It is frustrating that there is a nagging piece of my brain that tells me to stop. People take it wrong. They don't understand. Everything is so serious. Nothing can be written just as something that is being put on paper. It all must lead back to some inner turmoil in my soul. It just isn't true. It would be so amazing to set myself free from the careless views and theologies of everyone around me so that I could just put words out there without judgment.

That is all for now. I'm spending time with friends later, and then more friends even later than that. For most of the rest of my day I am going to be social... we'll see if it kills me or if I survive.

**(Mom, if you respond to this, so help me I am going to scream! I know that you and Jesus love me and find me to be all of these things and I appreciate that more than you can know... but that is just not what I am getting at right now.)

a severe case of feeling displaced...

2009-06-30T00:20:00.004-06:00

What happens when you don't put yourself out there? You get left behind. You see the rest of the people around you moving on together, and you sit by the side of the road watching. Then, you end up flopped on your couch in the middle of the night and have yourself a good little pity party. You convince yourself that you are not worth the time or effort, and then you plan the best way to avoid the world the next day. You start plotting turning off your phone and then painting a red X on your door so that the neighbors all think you have the plague and just turn around and walk away. Of course, in the end, this just furthers you down into the pit that got you into the mess in the first place. People continue to not know you and continue to forget you exist. Eventually, you disappear into a poof of smoke and the world just believes that you were only an illusion or a nice idea that somebody maybe had once.

I will stop feeling sorry for myself now. Maybe. I will at least stop whining to the world about how sorry I feel for me.

my roomie Adri had a wedding...

2009-06-28T19:23:00.004-06:00

It was fun... I am now very tired... Here are a couple pictures for your viewing pleasure...

Junior Year

This Year

some might call it poetry... maybe...

2009-06-24T23:25:00.003-06:00

I've been writing a lot of other stuff lately on my other stuff blog. I would like to invite you to read it, but I also want to warn you that if you do read it you should not try to apply it to my life or read anything into it. I love to write and it just comes out however it does... That being said, here is the link.

We have been so busy lately and I feel like I haven't had time for breathing. However, I must be breathing regularly because I have not caught myself passing out in random places.

This weekend one of my roommates from college is getting married. I am so excited to drive over and see it! I'm so happy for her.

I am determined to figure out a time to do pictures with Heidi. We both have ideas we want to try. IT WILL HAPPEN! And speaking of Heidi... she has a new photoblog! I, personally, love looking at her pictures. She took my wedding pictures and now she takes all of our family and kid pictures. Anyhow, she just started it and I hope you enjoy the pictures she has up.

pretty, pretty please...

2009-06-18T18:57:00.005-06:00

Hey reader type friends! So, I was talking to a buddy today, and it turns out that the more people that link to our comic on their blogs or web sites the more Google will respect us. Google respecting us and not thinking that we might be a bot is a good thing because then we will show up towards to top of searches. Nifty, huh?

So, I have decided to beg: Would you mind linking to our comic? Pretty, pretty please? I would be so appreciative. Thanks for all the theoretical help!

Here is the link to the site:Bus Stop Comic

Thanks again, blog buddies! <3

on what it means to be an imp...

2009-06-18T16:13:00.005-06:00

Do to the number of people I have had ask me about what it means to feel impish, I decided to write this blog. I will now direct any questions about this matter to this page.

An imp is defined as a small demon.

A commonly used synonym for impish is mischievous.

I think with those two things, you can come up with a few good mental images of what it means to feel impish. :)

catching up with something...

2009-06-12T13:22:00.004-06:00

Summer has started for me. Josh is home and we are settling into a routine. I ran away for a bit this week. Josh let me check myself into a hotel in Boise for a bit of rehab. Maybe I am weak, but I was beginning to lose it. My family is amazing. However, my brain does not function well spending every day in my house and caring for them. I have no idea what is missing from my girlness, but there is a part of me that has no ability to handle the housewife and stay at home mom thing. Why I am admitting this to the world, I have no idea. I know that some of the people that read this are the perfect women. I envy you. There are people that I know that can sew, cook, clean, and care for their families like nobody's business. I write web comics. My brain must be stuck. Only, it seems to be stuck in the same place as most teen boys. Kind of a strange place to find myself in, but I enjoy it. There is a notebook in my bag full of scripts and storyboards and another one waiting to be filled with the nonsensical poetry that lives in a constant stream in my head. It's like narration. It just flows all of the time and, occasionally, there will be a chunk that should be written down. Only, I suppose it is not like narration in the same instant because most of it has nothing to do with my life... just with life in general.

Okay, now for a little bit of the wickedness living in my head. Sometimes, I just want to mess with people. My computer has a file on it of blogs I have never posted. They aren't posted, because they aren't factual. Some of them sound like they are (okay, most of them do), but they aren't. However, it would be fun to put them up. People are so sure that what they read is what is the truth. It is fun to see how they react when it isn't. It is hard to be a writer. That is why I have two different blogs; one to spout whatever nonsense I want, and this one. There are still people who read my life into my poetry and random whatever. I beg of you, stop trying. If you cannot stop, then keep it to yourself... Otherwise, I am going to have to resort to posting the blogs on my hard drive. It will be like War of the Worlds all over again.

once upon a time there was a comic premiere...

2009-06-02T12:38:00.004-06:00

We went out to celebrate the release of Bus Stop. It was a lot of fun. Here are a few pictures from the event. Thanks to you guys for hanging out and sharing this with us. It meant a lot.

(Oh, and here is my obligatory plug to the comic: Click here and read the first one. Next one out on Thursday.)

Heidi and I

Oddly enough I think Rhett was more freaked out than I was.

Sam and Kevin

Gordon and Beth
(Thanks for letting us go to your house after we ate Beth!)

Zac and Sheen

hello June...

2009-06-01T09:25:00.003-06:00

New months always make me a little mad. It stinks to have something end and to have something new start by sitting down and paying bills. Bills, are not fun.

This month I actually have something to look forward to. Sure, I still have to take time to give my money out to all of the people demanding it, but I also have a comic to premiere! In 14 hours and 24 minutes it will be online. It's a little hard to believe that something that I have been working towards for several months is happening. To be truthful, I wasn't sure it would. I figured that Rhett and I would talk about it a few times and that we wouldn't be able to come up with anything. However, we did. In my opinion it is good, but most importantly I like it and am proud of it. Rhett did a good job drawing my scripts and story boarded stick figures. Our ideas work well together...

I really hope you guys enjoy it.

Visit my newest baby tonight if you want; it will be up at midnight. Also, feel free to toss your feedback to the e-mail addresses on the "Creators" page or to our facebook page.

it's a happy kind of stress...

2009-05-26T11:56:00.004-06:00

The weekend was a good way to go into this next week. Josh and I got to spend a lot of time together and yesterday we had some friends over for a barbecue. It was relaxing and a very nice break before the stress of this week.

The kind of stress that I have right now is okay. I am happy about what is causing the stress. It is just a little strange to work on something for several months and then finally see it turn into what you wanted. Next Tuesday my web comic launches. I've been a little more than nervous about it, but I'm starting to think that it might actually be good. This week could be an interesting one for me. I'll be stressed, but at the same time, excited.

www.bus-stopcomic.com

the best descriptive words...

2009-05-20T00:02:00.004-06:00

Words that I would like to be associated with me: lovely, captivating, funny, charming, witty, trusting, trustworthy, exciting, true, pretty, smart, knowledgeable, open, friend, unique, respectable, confident, mysterious... I should stop now, before the world thinks I am completely conceited, but here is the thing, I was writing today and I realized that the character I was creating, was an image of part of me that I wish existed. She is these things, at least in my head; she is more too. Perfection is so easily reached on paper...

i'm such a professional...

2009-05-14T01:39:00.003-06:00

1:39 a.m. and I am officially procrastinating. In college, this was a normal state. "Paper due in 7 hours? Pshaw. Not a problem. I'll just write it later." Now, I do not have a good excuse. College is behind me. So what the heck am I doing procrastinating at 1:40 a.m.? Well, let me tell you. I am not working on the book that I want to be working on. Why? Well, it is simply because it is 1:41 a.m. and my poor, crazy brain needs something to rebel against. No professors, no parents, no schedule... Therefore, I am rebelling against my own desires. After all, it is only 1:42 a.m. and my kids won't be awake for another 7ish hours. I have plenty of time to do absolutely nothing (certainly nothing important) on the internet before I actually get started on the book that is calling to me from my hard drive. Crap.

Moral: I am PATHETIC!

also, bring on the guild season three...

2009-05-12T13:19:00.004-06:00

Why did I pick my DS up again? I had made such a clean break... drat. Technology currently in my pockets: DS, iPod, hard drive, phone... my mini is in my room currently, but it will soon be safely in my bag and ready to go to Boise. (When this event occurs, I will transfer aforementioned technology to said bag.) I'm currently waiting for the WoW servers to come back up. I was hoping to get in my dailies while the kids are napping. Not looking too promising. I am currently trying to stop myself from buying a Kindle... but it's just so shiny! I was hoping the new gen would have a color/back light option... maybe I can wait one more gen. Also on my wtb list: Diablo and the original Warcraft games.

Blast! I really want a Kindle!

mother's day...

2009-05-11T14:06:00.006-06:00

My parents woke me up with a phone call on Mother's Day. They brought over a wonderful picture frame with pictures of the kids they had taken while Josh and I were in Portland. The center picture is of the kids with my grandma. Such a special gift!

We spent the rest of the day with Josh's parents. We had lunch with them and the kids had a great time playing. I took a really long nap and while I was napping Josh left to go to work. While I thought he was working, he actually took a trip to Nampa to run an errand. He got back without me knowing and we took off to go home and put the kids to bed. When we got home, there was a Wii Fit, Gardening Mama (a DS game), and two wonderfully perfect pictures finger painted by my kids. It was so special! I could not have asked for a better day with my family.

a project or two...

2009-04-30T23:26:00.003-06:00

My blog has been sadly neglected recently. Every day I spend at least a little time thinking that I should be spending more time with it, but ever day I get side tracked. The book has been suffering from mild neglect as well. The comic strip has been pulling away a little too much of my time. I admit, I miss my book. I miss her. I miss the comfort and agony all wrapped up into one tumultuous bundle that comes from putting so much effort and love into one area. She takes so much from me, and yet she really does give as well. The comic has come to a point where I believe I may be able to concentrate less on it now. I suppose we shall see.

Today I shared a piece of my soul with a lot of people. I know it is probably crazy, but everything I write holds on to me and becomes part of me. All of the silly poems, all of the not so silly poems, letters, stories, essays, even my comic strip. They are all me. Turning in a paper in college used to be the closest that I came to allowing people to read what I write. I developed my blog to help ease some of that; to help myself get used to the idea of the world hearing my voice. It has helped I suppose, at least mildly. However, the minute I picture some stranger ogling my creative output, I feel a little cheap, a little dirty. It's mine! Don't look at it like a piece of meat.

The fear is slowly subsiding. The test strip has gone up. First reactions are coming in. So far, nothing terrible; nothing I cannot handle. So far, people seem to be enjoying this one little piece of me. That is what I want. I want people to enjoy it. I want people to laugh. At the same time, I want to keep it all to myself. I want to be selfish.

June is coming. I think I am ready... at least, I hope I am.

this picture is specifically for Brandi...

2009-04-25T23:15:00.004-06:00

Group guildie picture from Auj's wedding.

tomorrow is another day...

2009-04-22T12:33:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow is my 24th birthday. Here is a list of things that I would like to do:

1: Eat cake.
2: Spend time outside.
3: Have my meeting with Rhett.
4: Eat more cake.
5: Maybe eat some pie?
6: Play some games with Josh.
7: Go shopping.
8: Eat yummy food.
9: Eat more cake... and maybe some more pie?
10: Sleep.

Heehee... Really, the things that birthdays are good for are cake, good food, and maybe pie?

don't judge me...

2009-04-21T01:53:00.003-06:00

This past weekend I packed up in the car with several good friends and drove to Portland for a guildie's wedding. It was awesome. You can think what you want about my obsessive online game play or the fact that I actually know the people I play with well enough to drive six hours to one of their weddings: I really do not care (at least not much). It was fun! And, really, it was good for me. I have been spending a lot of time in a hole and that is not healthy. This stretched me. I was able to socialize with people that I knew at varying levels without having (much of) a panic attack. Go me! I even survived a hug or two. I'm proud of me... don't ruin it.

It was a beautiful weekend to go on a road trip. The weather was perfect for rolling down the windows and soaking in the fresh air and sunshine. I think I need to get out more often.

It was strange to leave the kids and not be able to visit them for an entire weekend. I had an iPod full of pictures to help sate my desire for contact with them, and it really did help. However, when we got home, I was extremely glad for the hugs and snuggles I got from both of them. I didn't even mind reading Jenna the stack of 10ish books she brought to me and insisted that I read. Leaving my kids was tough, but I think it was a good thing. The break reminded me how blessed I am to spend every day loving on them.

what has been going on in the life of me...

2009-04-10T09:21:00.003-06:00

Vagueness aside I am going to try and step outside of my self-doubt and give you a glimpse into what I have been up to in a professional and literary sense.

A while ago I mentioned my new job writing. Since I got my mini I have been faithfully writing on Tuesdays and Thursdays. My book is coming along, and I am excited about it. Although I am still shy about the content I am starting to share it with friends to get opinions and also just to get used to the idea of people reading what I write.

On another note, my friend Rhett and I are writing a web comic. Along with admitting that I am actually going to be publishing something to the internet, I also must admit that I am writing a comic. My inner nerd has been coming out of the closet recently and so this is easier to admit than it would have been at one time, but I still feel a little bit strange about telling this to the world (or at least to those of you that read this). Our website is live right now, but we will not be posting our first comic until June first. We have been working on the strip for a few weeks now, and it is really coming along. I am quite proud of it and am actually excited for all of you who wish to read it to have the opportunity. Hopefully June comes quickly! If you are curious and want to see our killer logo you can go to www.bus-stopcomic.com. The logo is all that is there at the moment, but we will slowly be building character bios and personal bios and making a layout and so on. If you want to keep up on such things, or just get a reminder when when publish our first strip, I am also going to be making our Facebook page and Twitter feed live in the near future; send me a message on here and I will invite/follow you on one or both! (It feels strange to want to publicize something that I am working on.)

On the note of publicizing I want to thank those of you that follow my blog for reading! I am coming to grips with the fact that I actually have a readership and I am going to try my hardest to continue blogging. I won't lie, this blog will probably continue to be mostly about my life and feelings, but I do have another blog where I write and let my silly self out. That blog might have a serious post at times but, for the most part, it is pretty light and hopefully at least a little entertaining. Here is the web address: http://semi-crazyblondegirlstrikesagain.blogspot.com. You may visit and follow if you wish.

Again, thank you all for reading what I write. My anxiety levels may be high right now, but I think, for the most part, it is worth it. Here I am stretching myself and taking a dive into the deep end of the pool. Thanks for the support that you all have shown me! It really does help.

what to say when there is nothing left to say...

2009-04-08T01:11:00.004-06:00

I am out of ideas. When it gets to the point that any random comment made about you can bring tears, you know you have a problem. Here is the deal: I know I am messed up. I just wish there was a way to solve the insecurities I have, to make them better. I want a magic bandaid for my brain. I have a plan, not a great one, but one that will have to work for now.

My first panic attack happened when I was in fifth grade. I can remember everything about it. Where I was sitting, what it was about, how I reacted. It was terrible; the most frightening thing I have ever had to deal with. Since then, I have learned to roll with them. Most of the time I do okay. Lately, I have been having more trouble.

More frustrating than my apparent inability to have normal human interactions is the fact that everyone has a solution. Most of those solutions involve prayer, fasting, and the fact that if I had enough faith I would be healed. Great. Prayer, does work; to an extent. It helps get me through, but it does not stop the attacks. Being told to have more faith, does not help. The last thing a person like me needs is an existential crisis.

For now, I wait. I am going to get used to less sleep again, and I am going to force myself to interact with my friends. That helps. Even though talking to strangers is still painful, it should get better. That is the pattern I have noticed. If I make myself uncomfortable, eventually it eases up.

All this to say, I want my friends to know that I am okay. If I freak out on you, don't take it personally. I really am working on being my normal self again (whatever that is). It is going to take practice and patience, but I'm hoping for the best. Remind me to breathe, give me a smile, it is going to get easier. It is; it always has...

i see trees of green... (kind of)...

2009-04-01T10:19:00.005-06:00

It is time for new contacts. In a few hours I have an eye appointment. It is interesting to me how much I look forward to and dread having my eyes checked all at the same time. Yes, new contacts mean I get to stop wearing the pair I have been wearing for three months, however, I also have to hear that my eyes have, once again, gotten worse. I am definitely excited to get some new glasses. It has been almost four years since my last pair and my prescription has changed 3 times since then. Needless to say, they do little to no good and I am nearly blind while wearing them.

Tomorrow is Thursday which means that I am meeting with Rhett about Bus Stop. There are several ideas camping in my brain that I need to get onto paper before then.

My book is feeling abandoned. Josh was worried about that... I suppose it was rightfully so. He is working late every night this week and so my book will probably stay abandoned until next week. Maybe I'll get to the coffee shop early tomorrow and work on it then. She wants some attention and, quite frankly, I miss her. We were getting along so well, and I suppose it would be good to keep our relationship functional. It would be sad to let her waste away in my head and heart and not to let her express herself fully.

the weekend was wonderful...

2009-03-30T11:36:00.003-06:00

Our kids spent this past weekend with the grandparents...

(insert crazy, excited, evil, plotting, ecstatic laughter here)

Friday Josh and I went to Barnes and Noble. Hot date, I know. It was awesome! We bought books and journals and it was the best thing ever! Then, we came home for poker. Snack food, friends, and gambling... generally a good night.

Saturday was spent relaxing. We played some WoW and went shopping. It is so nice to have clothes that fit! ALL of the maternity clothes will now be packed away. It is hard to get rid of them, so I suppose I will hold on to them for a while. I bought t-shirts, and dressy shirts, and size 4 jeans. That's right, SIZE 4! I am definitely feeling pretty good about that one. As soon as my tummy goes back to normal I will have my pre-mommy body back. WOOHOO! Hmmm. That was a bit of a digression. Anyhow, after shopping we went downtown to Bar de Nay and had a wonderful dinner and drinks (I really love the Basil Instinct). Saturday ended with movie watching and more WoW playing. All in all a top weekend.

In other news:
I have taken a leap of faith and decided to start doing things that would previously have caused me to panic and then promptly fall over dead. My security net is Rhett... (I bet that makes you feel REALLY nervous. heehee. Sorry, friend.) Look for more on this soon. For now I will just say that Thursday cannot come soon enough!

oh for the love of mike...

2009-03-19T18:20:00.004-06:00

There is something about being as insecure as I am that makes the world seem like an adventure from a video game. Everything requires strategy and the ability to dodge the super smash. It's an all out gauntlet marathon.

Here is the ridiculous conversation my brain is having with itself as I sit here and write.

You look good today... shut up, you look like a twelve year old... why do you care?... why do I care, hmm... I enjoy writing... you suck at writing... who cares? I like it?... You should care, stop wasting your life... damn, my life is meaningless... I didn't mean it like that! You have meaning... Oh it's too late, you already said it... Time to drown my sorrows, bring on the rum... Rum? Yeah right. You're in a coffee shop, enjoy the coffee... Coffee! My life isn't so bad, I have coffee... Your life isn't bad anyway... Well, I know, but you know what I mean... Just shut up and get to work... Roger, roger, roger, roger.

Crazy. Yes.
Insecure. Yes.
Unsure. Yes.
Growing increasingly more incapable of knowing how to deal with myself around other people face to face. Yes.

I think I might just need medicated. Did somebody mention rum? Oh, right. Never mind...

there once was a girl...

2009-03-17T12:58:00.003-06:00

Today I get to write. Yipee! Josh is watching the kids; I'm skipping out on hanging out with my friends; and I am going to write. I have been feeling a little discouraged because it has been so long. Tonight is the night!

Also, Rhett has asked if I would try to write a comic strip. I have been completely absorbed in a few different web comics lately, and think I might give it a try. Of course, first I need him to help me decide on a concept. It could be fun though. Scripting a comic might be a nice reprieve from writing prose.

One o'clock. Nap time for the babies. WOOHOO! Mommy is totally taking a shower. Heehee.

not as profound as it should be...

2009-03-11T08:28:00.003-06:00

Post 200 should be more than this is going to be.

There has been a serious gap in blogs for me. There is really no good reason for this. The idea of Twitter and micro-blogging, as one friend put it, has taken over my life.

Today the sky is blue, which is almost a good thing, but I had been enjoying the clouds as long as they brought rain and not snow. It is funny, I did not grow up on the coast but whenever it gets rainy and misty and beautiful, I almost feel like I am home. My brain goes straight to the Oregon coast and I feel comfort. Strange.

It seems that I should take a moment to curse allergies since they have been driving me crazy. Stupid allergies. Stupid plugged up nose and itchy eyes. Stupid flowers and trees producing pollen. Bah.

I have no plans for the day. Well, I am supposed to work later, but I might see if I can get a sub due to aforementioned allergies. Other than that, I have no plans. I should probably make some, but I don't want to. Some days going without structure is refreshing.

definition...

2009-03-04T10:22:00.006-07:00

I hate being defined. I hate being put in a box. However, the facts are that I have one. Everyone has one Miriam Webster was kind enough to give me mine. Or, at least to flesh it out.

Introvert: one whose personality is characterized by introversion; broadly : a reserved or shy person.
Introversion: the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one's own mental life.

Small: of a size that is less than average
Synonyms: bantam, diminutive, dinky, dwarf, dwarfish, fine, little, pint-size, pocket, pocket-size , puny, pygmy, slight, smallish, undersized
Related Words: petite, scrubby, stunted, bitty, inappreciable, infinitesimal, micro, microscopic, midget, miniature, miniaturized, minute, teeny, teeny-weeny, tiny, wee, underweight, meager, poor, scant, scanty, scarce, skimpy, slender, slim, spare, sparse, stingy, deficient, inadequate, insufficient, lacking, wanting

Mother: a female parent.
Wife: a female partner in a marriage.
Female: of, relating to, or being the sex that bears young or produces eggs.
Parent: one that begets or brings forth offspring.

Blogger: a Web site that contains an online personal journal with reflections, comments, and often hyperlinks provided by the writer.
Writer: one that writes; author.

Passive-aggressive: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness).
Procrastinator: to put off intentionally and habitually.
Stubborn: unreasonably or perversely unyielding; performed or carried on in an unyielding, obstinate, or persistent manner.

Skeptic: a person who is always ready to doubt or question the truth or existence of something.
Synonyms: disbeliever, doubter, questioner, unbeliever
Related Words: cynic, misanthrope, pessimist, derider, ridiculer, scoffer

Logical: capable of reasoning or of using reason in an orderly cogent fashion
Dreamer: one who lives in a world of fancy and imagination.
Oxymoron: a combination of contradictory or incongruous words; broadly : something (as a concept) that is made up of contradictory or incongruous elements

Friend: one attached to another by affection or esteem; one that is not hostile.
Sympathetic: existing or operating through an affinity, interdependence, or mutual association; given to, marked by, or arising from sympathy, compassion, friendliness, and sensitivity to others' emotions; showing empathy.
Empathetic: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.

I'm done. This is my box. For now. At least, the box I could think of. I'm sure you all could add. You should. Tell me more, I'll define myself further into my box. I do not think it is a bad thing, I think it healthy to realize who you are and who you want to be. To accept where appropriate and make changes where they should be made. This was fun. Cathartic. Highly recommended.

Edit: Linking this blog to Jenn's. Here she waxes beautifully about identity and definition.

give me the beat boys and free my soul...

2009-02-26T10:08:00.003-07:00

Three days with very little sleep and I am starting to understand why sleep deprivation causes psychosis. Again. I know that I've been here before. The only thing keeping me sane seems to be the music playing constantly from my computer speakers. If the music stops, I have a feeling that my ability to reason will as well and I will float off into the sky like an errant balloon drifting up into the atmosphere.

Is it wrong to hallucinate? To see things that are not really there, but to recognize that you see them and that they are fiction? Like thought bubbles. The kind on Pop up Video or in comic books. Maybe Pop up Video more. Maybe the action bubbles from comic books. Pow! Bam! Zoom! Yeah, those. Definitely the pop up bubbles though. The ones that come up on the screen and say things like, "She doesn't really feel that way," or, "When they go home, they drop the feçade and cry." It's almost like insight, but fake insight. If it does not exist and you recognize that, then is it not just believing lies?

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.
-The Beatles

pumping narcotics into my veins and waiting for hallucinations

2009-02-20T19:55:00.003-07:00

Today, I am high. I spent yesterday evening high, went to bed high, woke up high, and am still high. It has been too long, and it is beautiful. There is a haze in the air swirling with sensations and colors that I can only experience when I am outside my body and floating past chaos and into bliss.

This is the only way it can be explained. Arms scared with invisible track marks that are a thing of beauty. Soothing my soul with words that only my heart knows and singing sweet somethings and nothings into my head.

Chaos needs put in it's place. It needs to me placed in time out a minute for every year of it s life. Since Chaos was born in the beginning it should be in the corner until the end. Put a ban on Chaos. Marches should be arranged, banners painted, slogans blared over loud speakers.

For me, this is all I need. There is a missing puzzle piece that everyone finds to complete the picture of who they are supposed to be and what destiny they are supposed to fulfill. Success is not the correct measure of completeness, happiness is. Euphoria is. Looking around and realizing you are in the right place at the right time for once and that everything is as it should be.

My puzzle piece is in my pocket. My perfect drug is in my system. The world is not prepared for what that means...

my new job...

2009-02-17T08:22:00.003-07:00

Yesterday Josh bought me something that I have been wanting for a while: a mini computer. I had been looking at Dell minis because I have always had and liked Dells, but I got the HP instead. The only thing that I really liked better about the Dell was that it came in colors and that seemed like a silly reason to get it instead. Besides, I would have had to order it and then wait for it, and I could get the HP at Costco right away. Also, the HP was just slightly less money and so we could get an external hard drive to go with it and hold all of my files.

My new little toy came with a condition. I must use it to write. I must take it with me everywhere and use it to work on my various writing projects. Thus, I have a new job. Twice a week Josh is going to watch the kids for me when he gets off of work so that I can go to a coffee shop or somewhere else that I can get away from life and work away. I'm so excited! Right now it is looking like Tuesdays and Thursdays. Hopefully on Tuesdays we can find a sitter when Josh gets off of work so that he can come with me and we can have a work date. He can grade, while I write.

Wish me luck!

everybody else is doing it...

2009-02-04T13:07:00.004-07:00

This is going rampant on facebook right now. I feel that I already did it... twice. (See here and here.) However, I suppose I enjoy doing such things, and so I will do it again.

RULES: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs (+) on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. I constantly crave Mexican food, especially enchiladas.

2. Moths are terrifying. It doesn't matter what anyone else says, they are creepy and should be avoided at all costs.

3. I wish that I could spend at least an hour every day alone at a coffee shop writing.

4. My kids are the cutest kids on the planet. There are other very cute kids that exist, and I'm pretty sure I know most of them, but my kids are still number one.

5. I have a problem with folding laundry. It is my least favorite chore and I wish I could afford to pay someone to do it for me. In fact, I would rather clean the bathroom than fold laundry. Icky.

6. Sometimes I have dreams that are so real that when I open my eyes I have a hard time determining if they actually happened or not. Sometimes this is awesome (Picture getting the worlds best massage in your dream, waking up and thinking it was real, and not having to actually pay for it!). Sometimes this is terrifying (Picture watching your friends being systematically killed off by some psycho cult while you are forced to watch).

7. I love my job. The people I work with are amazing and the kids I get to watch are so sweet!

8. I have a secondary online persona that is totally opposite of me. She can completely kick butt and has absolutely no fears. She is confident and she has no problem making new friends. A few of my friends have had the pleasure and honor of getting to meet her. heehee.

9. Part of me wishes I could travel the world, but part of me loves sitting at home with my family and just doing nothing.

10. There are a lot of nights when I have trouble sleeping. When I'm not sleeping at night, my brain goes crazy... literally.

11. I want to have a giant bathtub.

12. I love having my face tickled.

13. One of my faults is not knowing when to let go of someone and just let God take them into his hands.

14. Another one of my faults is being so passive aggressive that I let people get away with hurting me in ways they shouldn't but never say anything about it. I just go home and hit a pillow instead.

15. I love to get on facebook and go through people's photos. It is so fun to see how people have changed and to remember fun times from the past.

16. I still call Adri, Joanna, and Heidi my roommates. I love those girls like sisters even though I don't see enough of them.

17. I hate following recipes, but I love to make up my own.

18. It would be so great to go back to school. I miss classes and writing papers and being forced to read. I wish I still had a professor giving me grades to do those things just so I will take the time to do them.

19. The smell of sweet peas takes me directly back to childhood and brings my grandpa's smile to the front of my mind.

20. When Josh is gone, I sleep with Elephant and Mouse.

21. Jenna's pouty face is absolutely hilarious to me. When she does it, I see myself. It makes me want to laugh, and then call my mom and apologize.

22. Cake is my friend. Chocolate cake. Especially the chocolate cake at Applebee's with the chocolate yumminess on the inside and the ice cream.

23. I wish I was a millionaire. Not so that I could have really nice things or live anywhere different, but so my husband could be home with me and our kids everyday instead of at work.

24. Individuality is vitally important to me. Maintaining my own. Seeing people I know maintain their own. It is so important to keep your own interests and self no matter what part of life one is in or who someone is dating or married to.

25. Blogging is therapy to me. I love getting comments on my blogs, because then I don't have to pay for a therapist. However, sometimes I wish that people could not take me so seriously and just enjoy my writing. I write to be heard, but also to entertain people and to give people an escape from life. I read to escape, I write to provide an escape to others. This one is such a contradiction. I know.

a letter to anonymous

2009-02-02T12:09:00.005-07:00

To whom it may concern,

I am not better than you. However, recently you would have a hard time convincing my brain of that. I see you. I see the way you live. I see the things you do. There is no possible way I can approve.

Logic tells me that anyone can fall down and scrape their knees. There is no one that is immune to the possibility of utter failure. Small occurrences in ones life can cause somebody to change the direction they were heading. It does not take much for a person to become wounded and turn away from God's plan for them. My life could be where yours is. I have had hurts and failures that could have caused me to run from the grace of God. I see you doing just that. I wish you knew you could not run. He will always catch up with you. God's grace is free and it will hunt you down until you are willing to accept it and let him heal your broken and weary soul.

Conviction has been chasing me. There has been so much judgment in my heart. That judgment has been like a disease filling my head and causing me to sin. It is vital for me to show you grace. However, at this time, I am not sure how to do that... or even if I am able.

Even with the judgment pouring from my head and down into my heart, I want you to know that I feel for you. I hurt for you. I long for you to find your way out of the pit you have fallen into. I want you to know that it is possible, just as it is possible for me to find my way out of the pit of pride I have found myself in. We can both be healed from our diseases. We can both be blessed with God's grace and find ourselves living lives so wonderful that they are completely beyond our imaginations.

I will pray for you. I will also pray for me. I will try my best to keep my prayers for you pure and to keep honest intentions in my heart and head as I lift you up to our Father. I do love you. Please, know that.

With love,
Me

death, or something like it...

2009-01-21T13:13:00.004-07:00

Dying as defined by Miriam Webster
1: to pass from physical life: expire
2: a: to pass out of existence: cease
b: to disappear or subside gradually —often used with away, down, or out

Dying as defined by Dictionary.com
1: ceasing to live; approaching death; expiring
2: of, pertaining to, or associated with death
3: given, uttered, or manifested just before death
4: drawing to a close; ending
5: the act or process of ceasing to live, ending, or drawing to a close

I didn't write this for any reason other than that I thought the definitions were interesting... especially when one thinks about all of the situations in which you use the word death. Examples? The literal death of someone. The death of a way of life. The death of ones childhood. The death of old, harmful memories. We put things to death every day in our lives.

Call me morbid, but as I was reading these a few actually struck me as funny...

------------

I'm only going to say this once on this blog. If I have actual problems that should be dealt with in ways other than blogging them, I promise, I will. Don't take this too seriously! If you all really know me, as most of you do, then you know that I am a thinker, a brooder, a deep soul lost in a shallow world. I say things to make people think. Rarely am I actually feeling the emotion portrayed within the words I use. Think about it for a while. Just because I sound happy, does not mean that I am. However, this also means that depressing posts do not mean that I'm depressed and that blogs talking about death do not mean that I'm dying. Chillax my friends. I write to write, and I enjoy it. I speak truth here, but I also explore and contemplate. You'll just have to take that for what it is. Love to my fans! Peace out...

fragility...

2009-01-17T15:52:00.004-07:00

Preface: My marriage is wonderful. There is no need to feel concerned or to write me comments about how you hope everything is okay with Josh and I. However, I do always accept prayer: I like my marriage, and I like my husband, and I would like that to last forever...

Marriage is fragile. My parents did a really good job making marriage seem invincible to me when I was a kid. I did not understand divorce or even think it was really all that possible. How things change. Life has jaded me. Now I know the truth.

When Josh and I were talking about getting married, I told him I was not sure how much I believed in the actual act of getting a marriage license and registering our love with the government. Uncle Sam says, "You are married! Happy tax deduction." That seems dumb. It was especially frustrating to me that I could decide to go back to the same office that we got our license and tell them, "Ummm, I'm not so much into this anymore. Mind just expunging this mistake from my life?" Pure craziness. In fact, utter madness!

There is a reason why God made marriage permanent. I'm not saying that I do not understand or empathize with people that have been through the agonizing and life changing experience of divorce. I understand that there are situations and extenuating circumstances that cannot be avoided. This is not what I am talking about, please understand. What I am saying is that I think it is too easy; it is too quick of a fix.

I look at my two and a half year marriage and notice that I have changed. I am now a mom of two, an almost college graduate, and far more grounded than I used to be. These are unavoidable changes; they are the changes that come from growing and aging. Everyone expects life to progress. The only way to avoid progression is death. However, what about the other changes? I have dark circles that rarely go away due to too many sleepless nights. I have larger hips and thighs as well as a strange looking post-baby stomach that I pray will someday go back to normal. I don't look the way I used to one hundred percent. I don't act the way I used to one hundred percent. I certainly don't believe the way I used to one hundred percent. All three of these things seem to be valid reasons to go fill out a form and leave ones family and current life in the dust.

Marriage is fragile, and it does not seem to get the respect that I think it deserves from our media and even from our churches (bold, I know).

I'm sorry for this post, but I've been needing to rant. I am tired. I am haggard. I am at a loss for what to do. How do you crusade for something that is not popular? I am so drained and sad. I wish I could stop time and save what seems to be, in a lot of situations at least, not savable.

the room can't catch up with my vision...

2009-01-16T08:41:00.003-07:00

I got maybe 2 hours of broken sleep last night. That is probably the normal thing for a mom of a 5 month old to say, but not me. My son sleeps all night. Therefore, I am not used to not sleeping. Cole was up sick all night (for details click here) and now my vision is all screwy and my brain can't keep up with the rest of me. How do moms do it? How do they never sleep and still manage to function and take care of their kids? I have absolutely no idea. Luckily for me, Jenna wanted to get up, sit in her high chair, and pulverize crackers while watching Playhouse Disney this morning. Woohoo for not having to supervise at least one child.

you like me, you really like me...

2009-01-14T21:26:00.003-07:00

My friend Katie asked me to rant. So, she is directly responsible for this blog. (heehee)

It has been a while since I have talked about my little friend that lives inside my head and comes to visit me when I have time. Mostly, this is because I haven't had time for her lately. I feel bad, and it probably will not be long before I visit with her again. I was having visions and hallucinations about her life tonight driving home in the fog (safe, I know) and so I have some things that I can add to her story now.

My crafting gene has come out and started to demand some attention. I am going to try to do some cleaning so that I can do something fun. I'm not sure yet if this will be a scrapbooking project, a crocheting project, one of many others. I need to express myself creatively soon though. Maybe I'll get really ambitious and start some sort of a project with Jenna.

A little part of my brain has been telling me lately that I need to learn how to stop being both passive aggressive and type A before I give myself a coronary. I guess I'll work on that in my spare time. Maybe after I manage to potty train Jenna. Maybe not. It might be better for everyone if I continue to bottle for a while before I start some sort of mass conflict and then perch myself in Canada to watch the anarchy that would most likely ensue.

And finally, a limerick.

There once was a lamp with some style,
Who wanted to go see the Nile.
As much as it tried,
To the wall it was tied,
So it cried and it cried for a while.

(not my best work... ah well.)

stop... hammer time...

2009-01-12T10:26:00.003-07:00

I hereby renounce all unnecessary drama. I ban said drama from my life and home, and demand full restitution for the sleep and peace it has stolen. My life is beautiful! I will not let it be maimed or mangled by naysayers that wish for everyone to be miserable simply to make their own lives look better.

Also, Stop! Hammer time!

i highly recommend it...

2009-01-07T10:24:00.004-07:00

You should visit Jenna's blog today. It is a VERY special day.

http://jenna-irene.blogspot.com

Jenna has an owie...

2009-01-03T22:44:00.003-07:00

If you are up late enough to be reading this, please pray for my kiddo. She has some sort of bite or blister on her leg and it is really bugging her. Her jeans rubbed against whatever it is for long enough before we noticed it that it is raw and sore and she is very sad. Hopefully she will be feeling better soon, but right now she is pretty miserable.

something needs to change...

2009-01-02T22:17:00.003-07:00

There are times when I wish that there was a small part of me that was tweaked just enough that I could enjoy being around groups of people. Times like tonight when I have a dining room full of friends playing poker and I am sitting alone in the corner of my living room writing this. I like all of the people that are here. In fact, a good chunk of them are my closest friends, but I am still writhing in agony within the confines of my head. What is happening to me? I've never liked huge groups, but it seems that this phobia is getting increasingly worse with every passing year. I have always been insecure, but lately I am finding that I would rather be involved in my own little world and wrapped up in my own fantasy than have to participate in real life. I am actually beginning to become a little concerned. I'm afraid of becoming one of those people that is too afraid to leave their own home to enjoy life. What happens when my kids get involved in sports and I can't handle taking them because I don't want to interact with the other parents? I don't understand why it is so hard for me to... exist? No. I like existence; that isn't it. Who knows. Not me. I'm going to go read a book, something factual.

we two have run about the slopes, and picked the daisies fine...

2009-01-01T17:29:00.005-07:00

Last night I attended a New Year's Eve party of epic proportions. The beautiful thing was that it was at home, and that I was comfy in my jammies. I refuse to elaborate too far, but I got to spend the evening with amazing people that have great senses of humor and to play games that did not force me to live in embarrassment praying for the time when I could go home and hide in my corner again. It was beautiful, relaxing, comforting, and just what I needed.

Life can be stressful. Again, I refuse to elaborate much farther than that. My kids, my husband, my dog-- these are all sources of stress. However, this is not what I am talking about. What I am talking about is the kind of thing that can cause gut wrenching agony and feelings of distrust and distaste.

Finally, I wish to say that I do not resolve to make resolutions or make resolutions to resolve what must find resolution. It is not my style to try to change the inevitably unchangeable or to live in the disappointment of failure that I have brought upon myself by giving myself impossible goals. I like me and I like my life. That being said, I want to have a good year this year. I had a wonderful year in 2008. Not everything went smoothly, but we all survived and are relatively healthy. I pray for my kids that they will continue to grow and explore the world around them, but also that they will stay safe and that they will learn how to explore and test their boundaries in a way that is pleasing to their parents as well as to God.

I hope you all had a wonderful 2008, and I pray that 2009 will be blessed for you.

all alone, there's nobody there beside me...

2008-12-28T22:10:00.003-07:00

I would like to take a minute and curse hunting season.

BOOOOOOO hunting season! A pox on you and your need to take away my husband. Bah humbug and whatnot.

Hopefully Josh gets a yummy elk so that I can be slightly less irritated at him being away.

i don't feel like titling this blog...

2008-12-27T09:18:00.005-07:00

It is snowing again. This would normally thrill me, but today it makes me a little bit nervous. Josh and a whole passel of other guys went up hunting this morning. They were headed north, and so if it is snowing here, it is most likely snowing there. I'm praying that they don't have trouble on the roads and that they aren't intercepted by any of the countless idiots that think they are capable of driving in the snow when they are not.

I have no plans for the next couple of days. I'm coordinating in the nursery tomorrow which could be interesting. My son has developed yet another rather suspicious cough and I'm not sure he is going to be in nursery condition by tomorrow. We'll just have to see how it goes. In the mean time, I'm going to spend some time playing with my kids and then maybe, if the roads don't get bad, doing some shopping and maybe getting some hot chocolate.

Christmas was amazing this year. We had such a good time watching Jenna open gifts and play with her toys. She got a little overwhelmed, but after a nap she was back in the game. She has been having a blast with her new kitchen, dishes, and food. She is also thoroughly enjoying her little My Friends Tigger and Pooh tree house play set thing.

I hope that the holidays were as good for all of you as they were for us. We had such a blessed time with our families opening gifts and then with our friends eating dinner and playing games. It is so great to be able to get together and celebrate the Christmas season with one another.

'twas the night before Christmas...

2008-12-25T01:10:00.005-07:00

Tonight we went out to Josh's parents for Christmas Eve. We opened our Christmas Eve gifts, and this year instead of pajamas we all got robes (except the kids, who got pj's)! We had a blast and took a ton of pictures and so I thought I would share a few. Also, there is a picture of our pretty tree all lit up with the gifts under it.

fyi...

2008-12-18T11:44:00.004-07:00

Jenna and Cole's blogs can now be read by anyone. This should make it easier for some of you that have been complaining about having to log in to check up on my kiddos. ;) Their blogs can now be followed too so that you won't have to check them all the time since I don't post on them as often as my own blog.

Jenna: http://jenna-irene.blogspot.com
Cole: http://nicholas-james.blogspot.com

why snow is the bestest...

2008-12-18T11:06:00.003-07:00

Why snow is the bestest: A five point list.
By: Me

1. It is pretty and white. It makes the ground pretty and white and the trees pretty and white and the houses pretty and white and so on.

2. When it snows, it helps the Idaho economy. The ski resorts need the snow to run and they contribute a good deal to the tourist draw and out of state money coming into our state. Also, a good snow year means good run off which means enough water for crops the next spring and summer. This, in turn, means more money for our great state.

3. Kids like snow. Jenna is a kid. Therefore, Jenna likes snow. Snow keeps Jenna occupied and that gives me more time to concentrate on keeping my sanity.

4. Snow makes me happy... inversions make me sad. When it is snowing, there isn't an inversion.

5. Snow is cold and wet. Rain is cold and wet. Snow is pretty. Rain is cold and wet. Snow is better than rain. At least in the winter. Spring rain is ok.

Fini

dark circles are sexy...

2008-12-16T12:55:00.003-07:00

Mothers around the world should all band together declaring that the dark circles under our eyes are sexy. Sometimes it is impossible to sleep, and this is not our fault. Why should we be punished by having to apply layers of concealer to hide the circles that soothing away nightmares and taking care of late night hungry tummies gave us? I say fie! That's right, fie! A pox on the makeup industry and the lies that say that dark circles and rumpled clothes are not sexy. We moms must band together and stand up against the falsehoods that the media puts forth. Motherhood and all of the stretchmarks, weight gains, dark circles, ponytails, and jelly hand prints are sexy. Deal with it America!

With that out of my system, I will continue on to something else.

Renting homes really bites. I love the house we live in now, but we need more space. After becoming quite attached to two different homes that we looked at and having the owners of the homes tack on more things here and there that made us not want to rent them we have decided to buy. I think we are going to look in Kuna first. Our current landlord happens to be a fantastic guy and a semi-retired real-estate agent. He already has a list of places he wants us to drive by, and from those we will pick some to go and look at on the inside. I'm nervous and excited and I can't wait to see where this adventure leads.

plot, pause, plot, pause...

2008-12-10T12:28:00.004-07:00

Plot: She seems to be stuck. I'm not sure what happened, but her story is currently at an impasse. No matter which way she turns, there is only one end. Unfortunately I am nowhere close to wanting to end her story and the end in sight is not what I had in mind for her. Not only that, but said end does not fit well with the rest of who or what she is. Drat. Blast!

Pause: Jenna went down for a nap today without a fuss. She said, "Jenna nap now please." Then she got up grabbed Lumpy and Braffe and walked herself into her bedroom where she said, "Mommy, Jenna bed now. Blankets please. Night. Bye!" Not only is this an impressively long progression of words from my not quite two year old daughter, but she went willingly into bed! No fit, no screaming, no mommy guilt. What a great day!

Plot: What happens when you get caught in a lie? Not a little lie, but a huge, terrible, awful lie. Do you suffer consequences? Or do you just get away with it? What happens to someone who comes from an intensely moral place and ends up somewhere entirely different? Do they feel guilt? Does life within the plot mimic life without? If that is the case, everyone gets away with everything without any sort of repercussions. Of course she lives outside of the normal realm, but what about those around her? Life gets complicated when you are trying to keep two separate realities from colliding. At least for me. Maybe for her? Maybe life imitates art more than art imitates life. Drat. Blast! A pox on fictional obsessions...

Pause: Cole makes me laugh. Today he spit up everywhere. He started to laugh, but then his hand landed in the mess. His eyes got wide and he started to scream. Yes, scream! You would have thought that someone had pinched him. I cleaned him up, and he went back to cooing and giggling. He must be my kid after all.

my very own christmas pickle...

2008-12-09T17:57:00.003-07:00

Today at M.O.M.S. we had our annual treat exchange and pickle drawing! I had decided that this year if I didn't win said pickle, I was going to go get myself one. Let me explain a little about the pickle. There is a German tradition where you hide a glass pickle on your tree. Every time someone finds the pickle, they re-hide it somewhere else on the tree. The person that finds it on Christmas morning gets an extra gift. Pastor Carol does a drawing every year for about five glass pickles. Last year it was a no go for me, but this year, I won! My little pickle is now on a branch of my tree looking very nice and pickley.

I'm in the Christmas spirit and so I think I will go work on presents with Jenna. I love my Jenna!

a thorn in the left side of someone that is, in fact, not me...

2008-12-01T12:07:00.003-07:00

Last week was crazy. I had no time for me but that was okay because my time was spent quite perfectly on my family. It was beautiful to spend days with Josh and the kids as well as the rest of my family. However, it is hard to convince her that I wasn't neglecting her. There is a little voice in my head that isn't very happy with me for not paying attention to her story. I guess I understand. She is stuck without me; frozen in time and space with no resolution or plot. How awful! I suppose I get her resentment of me spending an entire week ignoring her. I suppose I even get her worming her way into every part of my consciousness today demanding that I make up for it. It seems that at some point during the day I am going to have to find time to spend with her and answer some of her demands. I guess there are worse forms of torture.

In a small act of post scripting...

Josh and I are looking at a house today. It is a little out of our price range, but he works with the teacher that owns it and so we are going to go take a look and then see if she can come down on the monthly price at all. It is hard to want to move right now. Our place is pretty close to perfect and you absolutely cannot beat the price. However, we could use a little more space and so I suppose it doesn't hurt to take a look.

memories and good times...

2008-11-29T22:31:00.003-07:00

Last night Josh and I went to see Twilight with our friends Nathan and Lisa. We had so much fun! I think we all enjoyed it. I know I did. I was really expecting to hate it from the way everyone was talking, but I think for the budget they had they did a really good job. Although, the guy that played Edward was much more attractive in Harry Potter.

Today Josh and I decorated for Christmas. It was so great to put up decorations... Last year we didn't do any decorating because we went to Rhode Island to see Reid and Jessica for a couple of weeks. It was so much fun to get out of Idaho and spend the holiday with good friends. I was thinking today about last Christmas and getting to do so many new and exciting things. It was fun to experience the unfamiliar, but I am excited to spend this Christmas in my own home with my wonderful family.

I was also thinking further back to another Christmas. Junior year to be exact. My junior year my wonderful roommates and I got into a bit of a decorating war with Josh and his roommates. The boys ended up winning, but the truth is we were robbed. We girls really deserved it, but the boys were a novelty act and so they got the grand prize. Today I put up a wreath in my living room that we made for our room back then. We made these pretty sweet ornaments for it out of canning jar lids and pictures out of the Boise weekly. I put them up too. It was so much fun watching Jenna look at the pictures and help me put them on the wreath. It was so much fun to bring the memories of my roommates in college together with new memories of getting ready for Christmas with my daughter.

Tonight I had a Pampered Chef party. My friend Christine is a consultant, and she does a wonderful job! It was fun to get to see friends, old and newer, and get to relax and have a good time for an evening. My friend Annie that I've known since way back in the day when I was just a little booger and living in McCall was here with her husband and daughter. I had not ever met either Frank or Dawn and it was really cool to be able to get to know them a little bit. Frank is an amazingly nice guy, and Dawn is such a sweet little girl!

I'm really looking forward to the holidays this year. I love having all of the decorations up in the house and having all of the ambient lighting from the Christmas lights. It is homey and comforting. I've had a good weekend of old and new memories, and I'm really looking forward to making more as I'm sure I will in the next few weeks.

pigeonholes...

2008-11-20T13:18:00.008-07:00

This is an image of my brain. I like to think of the large box holding the smaller boxes as Krissy. Inside that box I compartmentalize into pigeonholes in order to keep myself sane. Each box has a label. Jenna. Cole. Josh. Family. Church. Home. Work. Fun. Writing. Friends. Inner child.

The box labeled inner child has cobwebs growing in it. I can see things inside of it, but what they are exactly are obscured by the dust collecting on them.

I want to run away for a little while and spend some time with myself. There is a part of me that I suppress. I want to rediscover it. I want to be the crazy imaginative me that used to exist. Somewhere between college beginning and now I lost my ability to have fun for the sake of fun. I started looking over my shoulder to make sure that no one was following me and that no one could ruin the life that I have so carefully constructed for me and my family. It is interesting how one little mistake can haunt you. If you don't believe in ghosts, you should. I see the shadows of a former self following me around wherever I look. I want to get rid of them, but at the same time I want to hold them close. I like seeing where I've come from. It reminds me that I need to stay humble. But still. I miss being carefree. I miss being able to sit down by myself in a coffee shop (with my computer and my music) to write without having to worry about who is coming through the door and what they might know. What if they know too much? Is that pity on their faces? Pity, or piety. It really has to be one of the two. I'm just me. But me needs to be carefully sorted back into little boxes for now. Maybe someday I'll be able to sort me out, however, today I think I'll just go back to ignoring the cluttered boxes and focus on the ones that are neat and tidy. If things stay in their cubbyholes I can focus on the rest of me, and the rest of the people who need me.

the plot thickens...

2008-11-07T12:20:00.003-07:00

Is this reality? Or is this the story? It's hard to tell. The more I create, the more I feel like the created is becoming the creator. It seems that, at least for now, I am more interested in living a life that may or may not actually exist.

You know what I find interesting? People in books rarely have to clean their houses. This seems relatively unfair. It also seems unfair that fish don't have to clean their tanks and that dogs don't have to put their toys away.

If I could only live in a fantasy forever, I would not have to do housework. Alas, my life is real, and I do exist... I think (although, there does seem to be an astonishing lack of proof). Therefore, I must go make a bottle for my son, and then clean my living room, dining room, kitchen, and bathroom. I should also probably do some laundry. Sigh, reality bites.

this guy is a fawkes...

2008-11-05T13:28:00.010-07:00

Today is November 5th! Happy Guy Fawkes Day! Let's all celebrate the king and parliament not blowing up by lighting bonfires and having a beer. Cheers!

"Remember, remember the Fifth of November,
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,
I know of no reason
Why Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.
Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes, t’was his intent
To blow up King and Parliament.
Three-score barrels of powder below
To prove old England’s overthrow;
By God’s providence he was catch’d
With a dark lantern and burning match.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, let the bells ring.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, God save the King!"

intp...

2008-11-03T20:32:00.003-07:00

This is my Myers-Briggs result. The funny thing is that it was right on.

http://www.personalitypage.com/INTP.html

I think it would be fun if you all took it too and then told me what your results were and if you think they fit you.

Here is where you take the test:

http://similarminds.com/jung.html

Enjoy! It was a lot of fun.

God is bigger than the boogeyman...

2008-11-03T14:37:00.003-07:00

...or in this case a failure to thrive diagnosis. Cole gained an entire pound this week! He is now 10 pounds 9 1/2 ounces and in the 4.4 percentile. Last appointment we got the same song and dance as in the hospital that we should expect 1-2 ounces of weight gain a week and also to be making weekly weight check visits for the next couple of months. However, today the doctor took away the FTT diagnosis and said that she didn't want to see us again until his four month check up. How great is that?!?! Anyhow, I just wanted to share my little miracle of the day.

In other news, Jenna has a sinus infection and bronchitis. She's on antibiotics so hopefully she'll start feeling better soon. Poor kid.

for all the squirrels I've loved before...

2008-11-02T18:29:00.004-07:00

I actually hate squirrels. Squirrels are creepy little creatures that I am quite suspicious of. I think they are plotting something big. Just look in their beady little eyes! It is obvious that they don't like us and that someday they are going to do something about that.

On another note, I am irrevocably and undeniably turning into a NOT so closet nerd. Evidence? Yes. And that is all I'm going to say about that.

I've noticed recently that I am scared of rejection even more so than I thought. Boo... I thought I was getting more confident, but apparently not.

Finally: Preschool shows are going to DRIVE ME CRAZY! Well, at least most of them. Some of them are kind of cute. Jenna is really into Handy Manny right now. In fact, she flips out when she sees him. I think she kind of has a crush on him.

laundry list...

2008-10-28T21:25:00.003-06:00

I am:

Jealous
Tired
Drained
Wrecked

Today has been a hard day.

cole...

2008-10-22T13:49:00.003-06:00

Cole is home from the hospital. At his doctor's appointment on Monday he weighed 8lbs. and 7oz. which is entirely too small for an almost three month old. She diagnosed him failure to thrive and sent us over to Mercy. I was a little skeptical about having my baby boy admitted there, but I wanted his doctor to be able to monitor him so I allowed it. Our nurse (Connie) was fantastic! It turned out that she goes to Bethel Nazarene and knows Heidi's family and the Pridgen family. Anyhow, she took really good care of us. They got Cole hooked up to an IV and started pumping fluids into him. They also hooked him up to a machine that monitored his pulse and O2 sats. It was sad seeing him all hooked up to machines. He kept trying to grab his IV tube and hold onto it, and every time he bent his leg up it set off the alarm that he had lost his pulse. We deduced that for some reason that he wasn't gaining weight by breast feeding, so we put him on formula. After talking to the doctor, I decided that all breast feeding would really do for him right now would be to delay weight gain. He needs to be on formula only so that he is able to get the nutrition he needs with every meal. She told my I could continue nursing if I wanted, but I decided to go to bottles. (I really don't like nursing that much anyway... so I'd rather just go to bottles and formula and get him gaining weight!) By yesterday morning he weighed in at 9lbs. 6oz. This was really great because they really only expected him to gain a few ounces and not almost a whole pound! This morning he had gained a couple more ounces and was at 9lbs. 8oz. When the doctor saw him this morning she was super impressed and told us we could go home a day early. We have a follow up appointment on Monday, and she wants him to get up to 11lbs within the next few weeks. Everything is looking pretty good! Thanks to everyone for all of the prayers.

how she says i love you...

2008-10-17T10:49:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I was sick. I woke up with a headache and quickly realized that it was much worse than that. After being very thankful that I had just cleaned the bathroom, I got Jenna up, changed her, and carried her back to my bed with a bag of toys. I looked into her still sleepy eyes and told her very seriously that mommy was not feeling well and that she needed to rest. I asked her to play quietly on my bed and I turned on cartoons for her. I expected a fight. I expected my energetic daughter to bounce around and make a bunch of noise. She didn't. She grabbed a stuffed animal and a book out of the bag and sat next to me. She cuddled into me and watched cartoons, and every now and then she would look at me and pat me gently. She even got me tissues to wipe my nose (even though I didn't need them) because that is what you need when you are sick. My daughter is perceptive and sweet. I am so thankful for such a wonderful kid!

to plot...

2008-10-10T23:41:00.005-06:00

I've been plotting. Usually my plotting involves taking over everything. Not recently. Recently my plotting has been about plots. It has been about people that I have never met and places that I have never been. I've been seeing visions. It's like I have people right by me and inside of me living out lives that only I can see. I know I sound crazy. Maybe I am crazy.

There is method acting. Could it be possible that there is method writing? To become people? To have characters that don't exist creep into your head? I find that I can't write without it taking over. It's the ultimate form of escapism. Far better than reading books. Reading books can only get you so far. It is an okay high, but not the best. Writing is so much better.

Dilemma #1: So, what does a girl do when she wants so badly to write but she can't afford to lose herself? Does she do it anyway? I vote yes. (Well, maybe just when the kids are napping.)

Dilemma #2: What does a girl do when she wants so badly to write, but she can't handle having what she writes be read? Does she do it anyway? Is there a point to writing a novel that won't ever be seen? Maybe not.

I have this fear of writing something and having people not like it. I've been told that I am good at this thing that so utterly and completely captivates me, but what if I've been lied to? What if I'm only as good as I see myself? Unfortunately for me, my self-evaluations tend to end badly.

I suppose it comes down to not wanting people to see me as imperfect. I know I am. However, if I hide well enough, maybe I can keep that from the public eye. More than being imperfect, I really don't know if I can handle people seeing me as crazy as I truly am. It is odd to me that I think I seem fairly average from the outside, but that when I open up my heart and my head either through words spoken out loud or on paper, I can seem far less than sane. Maybe my problem is not in my evaluation of myself, but instead of my evaluation of the people around me. I suppose it is possible that we are all a little insane.

It is late and I should be sleeping, but I think that instead I will go back to plotting a little (or maybe a lot). Later I will decide if I should continue to allow myself to be part of the psychosis that comes from "method writing" if it will never be read, but for now I will just give in and enjoy it.

the truth? you can't handle the truth...

2008-10-04T01:04:00.004-06:00

Gotta love A Few Good Men... Anyhow...

The truth is: I'm not static. I change. I adapt. I make do. I live up to what people think about me more than I should. However, I believe what I believe. I find that my views have started changing a lot more as I age though. I often try to let life teach me, but I've found that it is better to let God teach me instead.

The truth is:

My greatest desire is still to publish a book. However, I can't get away from the fear of other people reading what I write.

I love the water. I still watch our fish swim and wish I could too.

I'm not sure I want to live in Europe anymore, but I'm starting to think about Alaska.

I definitely want to learn Latin.

Being in a tent in the woods is good for my soul. I want to go camping more.

My house is comforting to me.

Sometimes I feel like I am losing myself and the dreams I used to have.

I suck at adapting to new situations.

Poetry makes my heart sing. Robert Frost makes me all warm inside.

Music has abandoned me. A lot of times it makes me edgy.

Food is gross. I don't understand people who take pleasure in it.

Morning always comes too soon.

I feel uneasy about the fact that I don't feel like I need to diet or exercise. I like my body. However, I sometimes feel like I should act like I don't in order to fit in.

I'm utterly and completely insecure.

My confidence seems to be disappearing day by day.

I'm scared of thunderstorms.

I'm also scared of crowds.

I play World of Warcraft. And I'm not ashamed of it.

Sometimes I feel like I can't feel enough.

I still like tequila and beer.

I have trust issues.

My kids are wonderful, but I fear losing my identity because I'm a mom.

I need my friends.

My husband and I don't fight.

Being passive aggressive makes me angry, but I can't do anything about it because I'm passive aggressive.

I think that might be enough for tonight, but this feels good. I had forgotten how great it feels to define myself out loud. I might do this again soon. Maybe next time I'll post all new truths, but I felt like a comparison would be fun for tonight. If you feel so inclined, I would encourage you to write your own list of truths and post it to your blog... and then let me know. I'd love to get to know my friends and even people I don't know very well a little better.

april 11, 2006

2008-10-04T00:56:00.004-06:00

I wrote this a couple of years ago...

I'm going to post another blog tonight as well...

Stick with me on this one... it's kind of interesting.

The truth is: I'm not static. I change. I adapt. I make do. I live up to what people think about me more than I should. However, I believe what I believe and I have had the same basic views for most of my life. I let life teach me what it wants to, and I adjust to those lessons.
The truth is:

My greatest desire is to publish a book

I get jealous of fish and people who know how to swim

I want to live in Europe

I want to learn Latin

I want to own my own tent

I feel most secure when I'm not at home

Robert Frost's poetry makes my heart skip a beat

My dreams are all I have

Music is more soothing to me than almost anything else

I like to light candles and do yoga to calm down

If I could get away with it I wouldn't eat... I don't like food

Dusk is better than dawn

I could sit outside and look at the stars from the time the first one shows up until the last one disappears night after night after night

I like my body, but I hate the fact that I cant say that without sounding conceited

I think I have a great ass

My eyes are the bluest after I cry

I can cook

I can sing

I lack the confidence to do many things that I desire to do

My greatest weakness is fear

I'm still scared of the dark

I like to jump in puddles

I love to frolic in the rain

Dessert is my vice

I play video games

There is nothing that says I like you like a massage

There is only one time that I haven't acted on an urge to make the first move

Winning my heart is the easiest thing anyone could ever do, however, I make it seem hard to protect myself

I feel too much

My friends are more important to me than anything else

I crumble under pressure

I cry myself to sleep more than I should because I take everything so personally

I'm the black sheep

I have more caffeine in my system than any other substance

I like tequila and beer (and soon I can like them legally)

sweet cole...

2008-09-19T13:36:00.003-06:00

I feel like I need to write this to remind myself that my beautiful crying baby is a blessing. I don't know what has him so upset tonight, but he has me at the end of my rope. He didn't sleep very well last night either, and so I am feeling a little sleep deprived and more than slightly emotional. And so here we sit. Sweet Cole crying on my lap while I cry and try to distract myself with the internet. Poor sweet Cole. I wish I could fix whatever is making him so sad...

perspective and a pajama party...

2008-09-16T11:34:00.003-06:00

Today is a better day. Today I woke up with perspective and a smile. Remembering that God is with me always and so it doesn't matter what naysayers may say... someday we will be okay.

My kids and I are currently having a pajama party in my bed. I asked Jenna what she wanted to do. She said, "Pooh". Pooh is code for cartoons. I asked her if she wanted to watch them in the chair and she said, "No, bed!" So, that is what we are doing. We are watching cartoons in bed. Still. We've had breakfast in bed. We've played games in bed. We've watched cartoons in bed. And now I need to go and so I can wipe "Braffe's" nose. Jenna has a cold, and therefore so does Giraffe.

addendum...

2008-09-15T19:06:00.002-06:00

So, although I hold to most of my previous blog, I would like to say that doubt is foolish.

kaplooey...

2008-09-15T18:29:00.006-06:00

Apparently I was feeling a little too proud of myself for feeling blessed and not having too much stress. Why you may ask? Why? Because today the proverbial shit hit the fan. Why is it that creditors can't give you one extra week? In two years we've never been late on any of our payments... NEVER! So, why would people want to screw over and piss off such good customers? Ugh. I don't know. But unless we wanted everything to be shut off and late feed we had to cough up a wad of cash and we are once again tapped. I'm trying to remember that we get payed in a week and a half, but that doesn't feel very comforting right now. In a week and a half we will not only get paid for teaching, but also for working at the church. I feel defeated at the moment. Defeated, run down, lost, confused... A day ago I felt like no matter what we would make it. Today I feel doubt. All around me I have people telling me that even after we start getting paid it will never be enough. We are, so they say, destined to always feel the way we do now. Why try? Why look forward to the future? At the moment, I seem to be being told that we will always be left wanting. We will never have enough to make us feel like we are on top of things. We will always be destitute. Why would people say such horrible things? Who knows?!?! Maybe things will look better tomorrow. Maybe I just need some food, sleep and perspective. Maybe and hopefully this will all be over soon and people will turn out to be utterly and horribly wrong about everything. Maybe Josh's salary will be enough. Maybe we won't always feel unable to survive. Maybe someday I'll wake up and realize that in the grand scheme of things none of this matters. However, for right now, I feel broken.

i am a vampire...

2008-09-13T21:50:00.003-06:00

I'm not really a vampire. I didn't want to scare you, so I thought I should clarify that point. It's just that I watched Juno tonight, and the song on the credits makes me happy, therefore, I titled my blog after it.

Although I may not be a vampire, I am reading a book about them. After wanting to read it for a couple of years, I am finally taking time to read Twilight. I have to admit that I really hate when something that I liked becomes suddenly popular, or in this case, something that I really wanted to read. It makes me feel a little like a sell out.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about being content. It is strange to me that even though Josh and I really have nothing, I don't feel that way. I feel blessed. I may have the occasional moments of stress, but after calming down I remember that I have never been abandoned before. There are so many wonderful people in my life that have allowed God to bless me through them. Somehow, there is never even a moment that I doubt God's ability to take care of me and my family.

Back to vampires... I've been REALLY wanting to watch Buffy. I watched the movie the other night, and now I want to watch the TV show too.

I think that's about it.

The End.